the aftermath

I walked in the door with the empty carrier and wasn't quite sure what to do with myself.

I knew I needed to clean the litter box area and throw all of that stuff away. I mean..I was sad, but that wasn't my idea of something special to keep.

I cleaned things up and threw some things away. I washed the towel from her carrier and her special blanket. My girl put the blanket on her bed and I put the towel away with all the old 'extra' towels we rarely use.

If I walked past the bathroom, my head turned involuntarily to check to see if the litter box needed scooping. If I walked past the bedroom, I looked for her form in the crumpled up covers on the bed. In the mornings, I shed tears because I didn't have that cute little furry mouth to feed and doctor. My daughter checked the hallway every time she left the bathroom. She also missed being needed for drinks at the bathtub water fountain.

So many routines just shattered by loss.

But mainly I just rattled around the house, numb with grief.

I know she was just a kitty. But the grief is very palpable.

And in some ways, it set me back in grieving our little boy. So many similarities. I was the main caregiver for both. So many routines just gone. I was buried for a number of days. It was so hard. And for the first time, I experienced an anniversary of Bub's without Annabelle to sit and watch me to make sure I was ok, if I got upset. I felt a little lost. I would sometimes just hold her and cry..and now I needed her to cry into and she was gone too.

We are some better now. My sweet friend bought cute little necklaces for us within minutes of AB's passing and had those in the mail to us very quickly. We think of her and smile more than crying now. And somewhere along the way, I ordered necklaces with Annabelle's name on them. We wear one or both of those every day. It helps us. We can see them and smile and think of her.

We miss our sweet kitty. But thankful for all the love we could share with her..even if she didn't always 'love' in return. Cats!

Our sweet Annabelle's last day

On Monday March 20, I was a mess. I knew. I called the vet early but she was busy. She was supposed to call me back around 11 but by God's great grace, she didn't call then but called right after I got home from dropping of my girl for a college class. Dr G said the way she was acting meant her kidneys were failing pretty quickly. She said we could do fluids (and make her miserable because of repeated vet visits) in hopes of buying a little bit more time with her. But I knew from the last time we went to the vet, that she was 'finished'. She had let me know that she was done with interventions. I had been praying that I could keep my mental promise to her. So I declined the interventions and the vet and I both agreed, that this was a very reasonable and merciful time to stop. Tears fell. The vet couldn't get me in until 2pm..or wait until the next day and then she could come to our house. I had wanted to do this at home, but I didn't want to watch her suffer for yet another day. So I told her I would be there at 2pm. And then I cried. I busied myself crying on the phone to a friend but before I knew it, the dreaded time to leave was upon me. So I did my little hunt to find her buried in the folded bedspread on the floor. I folded back the layers to find where she had crawled in..much like many times before. But knowing this time was the last time. This time it broke my heart into a million little pieces. I snuggled her and talked soothingly to her, all the while falling apart on the inside. I could not lose it. I had to drive. So I put her into her kennel easily. Usually she could or would put up quite a stink. On that day, I just set her inside without a fuss. She didn't even cry on the way to the vet. She was so unwell. Bless her heart.

We were quickly ushered to a room and I took the lid off the carrier. I wanted to hold her. But she wasn't having it, so I set the lid back in lace so she wold feel safer. The vet came in ad told me she would be right back. Some techs came in and I signed some papers and answered some questions. Soon the vet came in with the first sedative. She told me she had to give it in the muscle and it was sting a little. It must have because she hissed. Her last parting gift to Dr G. Everyone left the room and I waited and watched. Soon, her head lowered a little bit and her breathing calmed significantly. I started petting her somewhere along the way, trying to soothe her and tell her what I good job she was doing. She purred for me which was a sweet parting gift to me. Soon after, her little head lowered against the carrier. I continued to pet her and tell her I loved her. I took the lid off the carrier at some point to kiss her and be as close to her as I could. (I was a little upset about the idea of holding her at this point, because I knew she was limp.) I pressed my face into her body, taking her in. I kissed her little head and back and rearranged her face so it wasn't pressed against the carrier. I knew it didn't matter but I needed and wanted to care for her and fuss over her, soI did. And then the moment arrived for the vet to come in with the last injection, to be given in the vein. She very gently lifted Annabelle's sedated body out of the carrier and spread her out on her side on a towel. I could see her face and pet her while Dr G administered the drugs in her hind leg. The room was completely still as we watched her, petted her and talked about how beautiful and soft she IS. I enjoyed using the present tense with her in those last moments. I cried and kissed her. After just a couple of minutes, the vet listened under her little tiny chest, and told me she was gone. The vet offered to make a paw impression so we did that and also did some paw prints. I asked for some of her fur, so she went for the clippers and a bag an did that for me. And then she quietly told me I could stay as long as I needed to and slipped out of the room. At this point, I was sobbing. Kissing her all over. Admiring her sweet tiny body. I tried to close her eyes, but they didn't really close. I snuggled and nuzzled around her neck and under her eye (my favorite softest place to kiss her) I wanted to breathe her in and for my skin to memorize the feel of her fur. I got fur all over my chapsticked lips, but didn't care. I kissed her some more. And sobbed.

I knew I had to be aware of the time. And yet I dreaded the thought of walking out the door. I took some pics of her precious little feet as I held them in my hand. Finally I knew it had to be 'time' whether I felt like it was time or not. I went down the hall to tell them I was ready to leave. A tech came in and wrapped up our sweet girl in the towel she was laying on, holding her much like a baby, face side up, just like my hubby did when we gave her steroid pills. I hugged the tech so I could be close to Annabelle one more time before she carried her away..giving her more kisses and looking at her one last time..one last touch. I turned my back and they carried her away. They told me I could pay later and I was so thankful because I was a wreck! After a bit, I went down the hall and gave them all the techs and Dr G a huge hug and thanked them. I didn't want to leave but I knew I had to. I gathered myself and put the carrier back together, placing everything inside the empty carrier for the terrible ride home. A tech walked me to the car so I could give them unopened food for a credit and gave me another huge hug and I was on my way. Heartbroken and somber. I had survived one of the most difficult things I had ever done. We are crushed and so so sad. Many tears. But we are so thankful for her little life and all she meant to us.

Forever loved, sweet kitty girl. Gone but never forgotten.

Annabelle Late 2002 - March 20, 2017

For the next little while, I am going to blog about my kitty. We had to make the difficult decision to put her to sleep a week ago today. It was devastating for our little family.  I know she's "just a kitty" but she was our kitty. And she came into our lives a little less than a year after we lost Bub. I have cried many tears with this sweet little fur ball standing watch to make sure I was ok. Bless her little heart. She's a special girl to us. And dealing with grief in another form has been a struggle that has brought back thoughts from the past.

Today I'm going to begin telling the story of her final months and her final day. My sweet friend Amy suggested doing it as a form of therapy. I have struggled with wanting to forget because it was so hard, but never wanting to forget because I loved her so much. So here goes...

We knew she was going down hill. we had lived through a few bouts of kidney failure. and those brought us some added years. Last year at Christmas, my girl and I enjoyed buying her some fun presents. We got her a catnip paper bag and some pop up cubes to rest and play in. We got a book from Amazon and it came in one of those fold out cardboard contraptions, so we laid that in front of her little two room pop up condo and it looked like a sidewalk. Very cute. It provided hours of entertainment for her and for us as we watched her having a good time.  But we knew she wasn't well and that it would probably be her last Christmas, so we wanted to enjoy her in it and we did.

A few months ago (I honestly can't remember if we learned this before or after Christmas) we found out she had probable lymphoma. The vet asked if we wanted to pursue treatment. My answer was absolutely not. I did not want to potentially harm us by exposure to harmful drugs. And besides, she already had a long list of health problems. I could not see putting her through any more misery. Just doing the blood draw was so traumatic that she wasn't herself afterwards for days. (I secretly hoped at this point I would never have to do more interventions for her because I felt like she was telling me she was 'done'.) So we did a round of oral steroids. It was cheap and safe. And it bought us a little bit of time.

Early on during the steroids, she acted like a kitten again. She was super playful, was eating and drinking well and gained back a bit of weight. She was so happy and enjoying life. but as it goes with steroids, the dose tapers off. And with the tapering off of the dose, we could see the life and liveliness in her tapering off as well. It was sad. We knew. And I spent a lot of time trying to get our daughter ready for the inevitable. And to get myself ready for what I knew would be the task at hand. One of the most difficult tasks of my life. But that's getting ahead of the story.

We were doing the steroids and trying to make the best of things. Giving our kitty girl extra cuddles and love when she would allow it. Giving extra broth pouches an wet food that I made into a slurry, in hopes of getting more fluids down her and making it into a treat for her. but most of her days were spent hiding, since it was winter. But we had some warm days and she enjoyed playing and we enjoyed watching her.

As we tapered off of the steroids, things started to change drastically for her. she was losing weight. and begging for water. It got to a really bad point on her last weekend. She just wasn't herself. I knew then that she was miserable and not enjoying herself in the least. I was preparing our daughter for the end. And trying to prepare myself for what I knew would be up there on the 'worst days ever' list.

To be continued...

going to the place to do the thing

***This is a rant...you've been warned. lol***

I have been getting phone calls from the funeral home that did Landon's 'stuff'.  It had always gone to the machine because I wasn't home. And I never called them back.

Well, a few days ago they caught me. Drats! Seems they have new owners now and they wanted me to come by and check on my paperwork and make sure their info is correct bla bla bla. I asked how long it was going to take and they assured me that if I didn't have any questions, it would not take very long. So I made the appointment at a time that I could squeeze it in 'just to run by there and get it done'. Whatever 'IT' was.

Well...I arrived for my appointment a few minutes late. I had to run by the vet to get some stuff for the cat (we think she has cancer..she's 14..it sucks but it is what it is..she's an old cat. Anyhoo..) I walked in the door and my eyes immediately went down the long corridor to the door we walked through to see our baby's little empty shell for the last times.

And lost it. Nice. : /

So I am quietly trying to pull it together, Gertrude and this older lady asked me why I was there and offered to escort me to a small room to wait. She was nice and is very good at handing out condolences so she pretty much insisted on giving me a hug while I am doing all the sucking it up I can get ahold of.

Well...I know..lots of well..a lady and a man came in. Double teamed. Fun. And they chatted a little bit about the plots we own bla bla bla. They also chatted me up about Landon and commented on his stone etc (honestly I was surprised they knew what was on it!)  and I think that helped them have an idea of what all we went through before they ever talked to me. It was sweet but hard talking to them. But really their intent for about 99 percent of the visit was pre-need. Y'all. I was so not prepared for any of that. I wish they had been more honest about their entire intent for the visit. But I guess if they did that, they would have very few people go through the door. But UGH. It took an hour!

So much info and so much to think about. On top of the emotions and the every day stress of being in remission. I didn't say a word about that..they would have been all over it and had me dead and in the ground before I could sign my name. LOL

I finally made it home around 2pm and dumped some veggies and fruit in the Vitamix and dumped a smoothie in an old Nutribullet cup with a lid and ran out the door to pick up someone.

Some days adulting is just hard. 

***end of rant..thank you for listening, my friends!***

holy ground

On that day in 2002, the birds were singing and the skies were a bright blue.  There wasn't a cloud in the sky...just the one that hung over our hearts as we buried our beloved one.

Today was much the same. Except we came in shorts and tee shirts. Holding flowers. For our sweet boy. 

That day was perfect. I know that sounds strange. The weather was stunningly beautiful. The perfect 'no temperature' temperature for a spring day.

Today as we walked up the small incline to his place, I watched my flip flopped feet. My only thought was we are standing on holy ground.

Not because there are lots of headstones and much grief there..and not because my baby's empty shell is buried there. But because of how I met God that day.

He was in the birds singing. And the breezes that caused the wind chimes to play their melodies.

And He was in me. I sat and felt those breezes and knew at that moment, it was Him breathing His Spirit around me and into me when I needed it like never before.

Today, it felt very much like years gone by, but the knowing was even more real. My hand pressed against the cold stone touching a name that is only a spirit now.  My girl and I exchanged knowing glances and she left me just to be for a moment, breathing it all in, touching, listening. It's all the same...yet He is more real. 

Thank you Father for breathing Your Spirit into me every day...but with an extra measure today. 

Happy anniversary, my beloved one.

12 years

Twelve years ago tonight, we kissed our little guy goodnight for the last time. He woke up in the arms of Jesus early in the morning.

It still hurts. A part of my heart still swells with ache when I recall those last days and the days following. And yet now as the years have gone by, it seems more settled. Less of a piercing and more of just an ache.

But still an ache.

The hurt is less extreme. There was less dread this year. I know part of the reason for that is that I now live in the shadow of not just what this awful disease has done to another person, but what it can do to me. And I to live every day with the realization that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow.

And yet if we are His, we are guaranteed more than a tomorrow…we know He’s made a way for our eternity. So thankful for that.

Hugs and love to you, sweet one. We do still miss you and wonder all the what if’s. But we are thankful there is one thing we don’t have to wonder about. Your forever.

Love, Mommy

in my rear view mirror

So thankful to be on the back side of the holidays. I am always glad when the tree and all the decorations are put away and with it, all the sadness and unfulfilled expectations of ‘the perfect holiday’ can go too.

I lost my mom a few months before Christmas, a few weeks after we found out Bub wasn’t going to make it. That was a somber holiday. We tried to be festive. We tried to keep things exactly the same. We picked out ornaments with each kid just like always. But we had Bub pose with his, because we knew it would go into the attic and the next time we pulled it out, he would be gone. It was hard to muddle through and not behave like all these things were going on. But we tried our best and I think we did ok.

We lost him in April, as most of you know.

So along with the thankfulness that Christmas with all it’s mixed emotions is behind, comes the little ache in my heart, knowing that spring is just around the corner. I love spring. And yet it’s when we lost our little fella. Everything is a mix these days. Joy to the world along with knowing my mom (and now dad too) and my little Bub are with Him for the holiday and every day.

A while back I had an epiphany. When I was growing up, Christmas was perfect and wonderful and my favorite time of the year. Because my parents made it so, while they missed long since gone family they remember from long ago. I don’t know why that realization was comforting (but sad) to me, but it was. It sort of clicked with me that they experienced the same things…love and loss and feeling like it’s not quite right. It’s not new. It’s been going on for generations.

And so it goes…

sixteen

It’s another birthday.

Another day that I know he’s not here.

But there.

Heaven.

I don’t know how to fathom Landon’s experience.

But I know it was precious* to God to bring Landon to Himself.

And I’m thankful for that.

Happy “sweet” birthday in heaven, sweet boy.

Another one.

Hug and kisses,

Mommy

*Psalm 116:15

a week of days

This is ‘the’ week. The anniversary of the week we lost our Landon. But there is something unique this year. For the first time since we lost our little Bub 11 years ago, the days fall on the same days of the week as the year we lost him.

So Friday was remembered because we talked to his oncologist because he had been waking up at night in pain and he HAND DELIVERED TO OUR DOOR STEP a scrip for narcotics so we could go get in filled. And then we went to get in filled at a different pharmacy ( not just any pharmacy carries narcotics in liquids for kids) and both kids were running around acting crazy. We laughed and didn’t care. We knew his time of being with us was coming to an end, but even then we had no idea just how quickly it would actually come.

Then over the weekend he had more struggles. He felt decent so we did some ‘normal’ stuff. He wanted a pair of sunglasses, so we bought those for him. I cry every time I look at the pics of him lying on the couch smiling with those glasses on. On death’s door. But still trying to play and be a kid. (crying now just thinking about that)

Monday we went in to clinic to get him started on hospice. We had to wait forever in the waiting room and I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. Couldn’t the nurses and doctors just believe us that he wasn’t doing well and get the ball rolling without us coming in. (no)

Tuesday hospice came to get us started.  Fancy talk for coming to meet us. We continued to give liquid meds from his onc throughout the week because they didn’t know what to do with Landon and for some strange reason consulted ‘other sources’ instead of talking to his TWO oncs. (I was livid. I was also livid that hospice never contacted his oncs to let them know after he passed. Our sweet onc read it IN THE NEWSPAPER AND CALLED US.)

Thursday we finally got some relief in the form of a patch and some different oral meds…just in time for bed Thursday night. We put him to bed and he woke up in Jesus’ arms Friday morning. (I wrote more about this night here)

Friday we were numb. By 7 am the funeral home had come and gone and we began making phone calls. We went to Luby’s for lunch, but nobody was hungry so really we just pushed around some food on our plates. We had all lost our appetites from the events of the night and morning. By Friday afternoon, a friend came into town to do Landon’s service.

Saturday we planned everything at the funeral home and picked out a plot. In the pouring rain. Sunday was the viewing. Hubs and I went ahead to see him before we had to have it all together for the family viewing time. It was still raining. The power went out as we twisted the knob to enter his ‘room’. We waited on the power to come back on to proceed. Very strange. I remember not having any idea what to expect. In my mind he was tiny, but he was longer than I thought he was. I remember thinking he looked so big and yet so tiny at the same time. Something else nobody in their wildest imaginations can see in their mind’s eye…their little beloved one being laid to rest. Wanting to cherish the last time I would see his little face and his little hands holding on to one of his stuffed kitties and yet so strongly not wanting to remember him like this. But I do. *tears*

Monday was the burial and memorial service. It was beautiful and perfect and sweet.

All of these things were eleven years ago this week.

A week full of days that hold tremendous meaning and are special and break our hearts all at the same time. Little snippets that are forever etched on our memories…

So I will see you, my friends, on the other side. Please pray for us as we walk through this week in a strangely even more sobering way this year.

We miss you still, sweet boy. You would be so big. I can’t wrap my head around how much time has passed! Mommy and Daddy and Sister love you very much!

birthdays…his and mine

There were two birthdays last week. One to celebrate a 15th year that he never saw.

And another to celebrate my birthday, two days later. And I ain’t tellin’ how many 47 birthdays I’ve seen. ; )

I thought about letting Landon’s birthday pass without a word on the blog. When the day rolled around, I was busy thinking other thoughts intermingled with many thoughts of him. We went to Chili’s. We colored a pepper. I wrote on it about watching kids his age going to high school. And yet he is still four. It’s a strange life.

I am thankful for all his birthdays and thankful I could be his mommy here on earth, even if it was only for four years. And many more in heaven…I still wouldn’t trade it.

And then two days later, my birthday rolled around. Not much fanfare which is the usual for us. And that’s ok. But the mixture of his birthday and then mine and all that’s happened in the past year along with thoughts of my one year cancer-versary (coming up in about a month) left me in a very pensive mood.

So even though I was posting vacation pics last week, very often my thoughts and heart were far away…and not in Colorado.

I have felt the usual cloak of sadness creep in during this time of year, but there is this added layer this year. I will be honest here and say that there are fearful moments for me. What if’s hang heavy over me sometimes.

But I was reading in Hebrews today and I love it when I read a verse I’ve read over and over and He brings it to life again and gives it fresh beauty.

Hebrews 4:16 “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” NASB

Chapter 4 is talking about finding rest, and I think often we tend to think about ‘rest’ meaning when we die…RIP sort of thing. But the writer is talking about finding rest now. So thankful that even in the midst of living here, we can draw near to the throne of grace…aren’t those beautiful words???..and receive mercy and find grace…aren’t those things we look for all the time, even in things that won’t satisfy??? So thankful that when we do, He will help us in our time of need, which hello, is all the time.

Always so thankful when I read something I’ve read before…underlined even…and hear a word for today…right now…in them.

Hugs and love, my friends. : )

my radar is a little messed up these days

A friend of mine called me earlier this week to see if I would need distractions today. For a split second, I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about.

And then it hit me. She's talking about April. 5th.

THE day.

The day we lost our sweet boy.

And then I had a pang of guilt. Because even though I always know the date and time, my (radar) attention is focused elsewhere right now. Yes, I had thought of it and then quickly shoved it aside. I struggle with how to handle grief so it doesn't just take over my day...and my body (and mind and spirit). Because even though remembering him is a normal thing, going "down the tube" for a day...or several days...is not good. Or physically healthy for me right now.

Because I'm focused on winning my own battle and everything it takes to do so.

But my sweet one is still with me. Every blood draw, every stitch I nursed, every pill I pop, every shot I give myself (and I did that last night) reminds me of how he fought....and lost...and gained his heavenly home.

So happy anniversary in heaven, sweet boy. You are NOT forgotten. Ever.

my framed pepper

Yesterday we decided to go to Chili’s for lunch. They’re still doing peppers this month. Check them out!

We wanted to see if my chili pepper was framed and hung.

It was!

I still can’t get over it that they cared enough about our story to go to the trouble to frame my pepper! So touched and humbled by their kindness.

I didn’t even remember exactly what I wrote last year. Every year I tell a form of the story and hubs draws pics of Landon’s favorite things. And together they tell a sweet little story of his short little life.

Thanks St. Jude’s for all you do! (I took that pic as we drove through Memphis.)

And thanks Chili’s for your kindness toward us and our boy. : )

pepper time

Today we decided to eat lunch at Chili’s.

After all it is September…which is Create a Pepper time for St. Jude’s!

We go every year. We never know what, if anything will be said to us. But we don’t do it for us. We do it for our little guy. It’s a sweet way to memorialize him.

And make a donation at the same time.

We feel like our peppers also raise awareness. Because kids from every community across America are touched by this, even though most people don’t realize it.

So we asked to color peppers. Our waiter brought out three for us and we got to work. After we completed our peppers, I took pictures of them with hubs’ iPhone. I had intended to take my camera, but forgot. I’ve never taken pictures of our creations, but thought it would be fun. So that’s what I did.

And then our waiter came and took them and walked away. This is the part where we never know what’s going to happen next. I couldn’t see anything because he walked away behind me. We continued on with our conversations etc, but hubs was watching. The waiter carried them under his arm..and then back to the back..and then back again..and then they changed hands. The next thing we knew, the manager came to our table. He had been wanting to meet us, as he’s been reading our peppers for a few years.

I was blown away.

He said our peppers were the only ones they kept last year and they are having one of them framed and hung by the entrance.

I was so humbled. I told him I appreciated his kindness and thanked him for his kind words.

We held it together but our girl was in tears after he walked away. We were just beyond words that our little story has touched so many in our Chili’s.

14

Last night I asked hubs if he knew what tomorrow was. He said “yeah, it’s Saturday”. I gave him a snarky look and he just quietly said “yeah, I know…”.

Nothing else was said.

Today at lunch, You’ve Got a Friend in Me played over the radio. We talked a little bit about how Bub loved Toy Story 2 and watched it over and over again.

At home, in clinic, in the hospital. It didn’t matter.

If we were watching it at home, he would act out the opening. He ran up and down the hall and rolled around on the floor..super animated. Hilarious!

So it was very sweet to hear that song today, as this would have been his 14th birthday.

Happy birthday to you, sweet one. We love you to infinity and beyond.

it’s the nurse!

Today I was just getting started buying groceries when I noticed a familiar face. It took a second or two for it to register just exactly where I knew her from. And then it hit me.

She was our pediatrician’s nurse from when both kids were babies up until just a couple of years ago when she had her first child. I loved her. And have often wondered what happened to her after her baby came.

I found out today that she’s now working at the children’s hospital where Bub was treated, but in a different department.

We chatted and caught up a little bit and then she asked me how long ago, how old was he, how long..all the usual questions regarding Bub and his illness.

And then she told me…Dr. XYZ cried and cried and cried when we found out about what was wrong with Bub.

We continued to talk some more and then she needed to get going, so we said our glad to see you’s and our goodbyes.

I turned to pick up some tomatoes and suddenly heard the weirdest sound. It was me. Choking back tears.  I couldn’t get the thought of our sweet pedi, Dr. XYZ sobbing her heart out for our sweet little boy out of my mind. 

I composed myself and moved on….willing myself not to fall apart into a puddle right in the middle of Walmart.

*on a side note, Dr. XYZ “retired” after she had kids. She has an amazing family and is taking time off to raise them. I’ve seen her a few times through the years. We saw her while we were out with Bub not too long after she left the practice…we were out and about over the Christmas break. We knew by then that it was Bub’s last holiday with us, but she did not know that, as she had stopped working before that bit of info trickled down to her. So I told her myself standing in the middle of the mall about his prognosis. And a few years later, I heard her yelling out Mrs. You Know Who…and I turned to see her waving frantically at me. We stood outside Target and chatted for a good half hour. And there have been a couple of other times I’ve seen her ‘out’ and we’ve gotten to talk a bit. I miss her. She is a special lady.

So was our nurse. I miss them both. : )

the other side

Happy Monday to you. : )

Thank you all for your sweet comments last week. Thankful to say that the week went by pretty well.

This year the dates fell in such a way that all of our ‘days’ hit in one week. Monday was his last day. Tuesday was ‘the’ day. And Friday was the memorial.

So it had the potential to be one very long week.

Thankfully for the most part, it went well.

Monday night was hard. In tears by the end of the day “for no reason”.

The rest of the week went fine.

But as always, I’m glad to be on the other side.

last day

We’ve been discussing the (possible/probable/whatever) move a lot around our house. But this week we’re kind of distracted.  

Today is the last day.

The last day Bub…ok…Landon..was with us. I thought you all might like to know Bub’s real name. Although more often than not, we speak of him as Bub ourselves.

Anyway, today is the 9th anniversary of Landon’s last day with us.

He was bedridden this last week. He wanted to play computer games at one point, so I carried him to the chair in big sister’s room and he played his little Tonka truck game for a while. And he napped and woke up on this day, as if normal.

But he was hurting.

Later in the evening, the girl and I curled up near the couch where Landon was resting and watching tv. Each of us drinking him up in our own way…talking and saying silly things and just speaking gently to him of our love.

Later in the evening, Daddy gave him a bath. His last. He wanted a mint that night so we gave him a mint and put on a medicine patch. And sent him to bed. You can read more of this night here.

So just for now..for this week..unless I am feeling particularly “in the mood”, the house hunt is off. I just can’t handle the stress of this week coupled with looking at houses and trying to decide another place to live.

And leaving the house we all lived in.

Just can’t handle doing all of that at once.

Today is a special day. It’s a day we lived life together. We hugged. We kissed. We laughed.

We loved.

And we still do.

house thoughts

Been thinking a lot about ‘the new house’…where ever it will be. And whatever it will look like. Unloading the dishwasher and cleaning off counters. I picked out the counter tops myself,  thinking we would be living here “forever”. And now forever might be ending. Everything is in easy reach. I can quickly get the job done in that room. Plenty of storage and counter space and the perfect work triangle. Not fancy by any stretch of the imagination, but it works. And it’s mine.

The workers finished doing some little repairs yesterday. And today I went to Home Depot to buy some paint etc to finish the job myself. A part of me is excited to “move on”. And then another part of me is holding on. Holding on to the comfort of this house. Our house. The house we all lived in. And I know I will carry all of that with me if/when we move, but it’s still hard to think about turning my back on this house. I still see wiggly little bodies when I look in the bathtub. Or a sweet boy curled up for sleep when I look in the office (that was his room). Or the high chair in the corner of the dining room. Even though all of it is long gone.

This is just hard. And the thing that makes it harder is the fact that we can’t find anything we like. I’m just sad. And it doesn’t help that we’re moving ever closer to Bub’s anniversary day. All these moving thoughts combined with remembering and not wanting to forget and yet realizing that every year takes me another year away from all of it.  I realize that some of my memories are fading.

And then I shop for houses.

And I’m in a weird tug of war with my own thoughts.

And yet that life is over. We have moved on. And that is ok.

I know these thoughts are not even from God. He is not the one that wants to hold me captive to emotions and thoughts from the past. I don’t know where I am in everything house related today and I don’t know how to tie this little posty up in a cute little bow either.

This is just where I am today.

I just need to pray and have more of Him in me…especially at this time.

letting go

We went to Home Depot over the weekend to buy some stuff to start making a few repairs to the house before it goes on the market. I’m excited. And I’m not.

I’m excited about the thought of a new neighborhood. (you have no idea) I’m excited about figuring out where all our stuff goes and the colors on the walls, rugs etc.

We found a house I love (hubs doesn’t even bother to go see them until I give the go ahead..he still hasn’t seen any), but it had a pool. *Not gonna happen. But this house was just perfect. Not too big, not too small.  And pretty much a blank canvas. I think there were only two things hanging on the walls in the whole house. Great layout etc. I’ve been mentally decorating that house even though it’s a firm no-go.

And because of this, the reality of not living in this house is setting in.

After Bub slipped away, we had to decide whether we were going to live in ‘this’ house or buy another. We looked but couldn’t settle on anything. And the bottom line was that we just weren’t ready to part with it. It held lots of memories…some happy and some very very sad..but all fresh. And we just weren’t ready to let go.

So we remodeled and stayed. And I could tuck those memories safely away and not really think about the idea of not being able to ‘see’ them while walking around my house. And now I’m faced with this (hopefully) fact that we will leave here sometime (hopefully) soon and never come back. Never walk down the hallway. Never scrub the kids’ tub. Never put clothes in these closets. And it’s hitting me a little bit.

But I told hubs this morning that I’m kind of looking forward to being in our home office and it not being the room in which Bub breathed his last. I don’t think about that every time I’m in there…if I did, it would be bad. But I do think it. Sometimes. We do carry on normal lives in all the rooms of our house. But those thoughts are there…mostly untouched.

Until now.

I’m learning that I’ll need to work through some more grief to let go and move on.

*I told my realtor the other day that if the perfect house can come along with a pool, then another perfect one can come along without one. : )

the mourning booth

Yesterday the girl and I did her last ‘go to the gym’ PE session. It felt good to realize we did what we set out to do. 18 weeks of PE (as of this Friday).

woot.

But a weird thing happened yesterday. We walked in the gym on the walking track. Which means we were walking one floor above the wooden gym floor along the outer rim looking down at what ever was going on.

And at that particular time, 3 year old Mother’s Day Out kids were running around playing. At first I was annoyed. Noisy kids. Turn up the iPod. And then I started watching them. I guess being a mom for all these years makes me a bit of a student of behavior because I could pick out the shy kid. The dominant one. And so it went. But then I picked out the girl that reminded me the most of my girl when she was that age. I even told her she was ‘those kids’ once…playing on that same gym floor during her MDO days.

It was a sweet time just thinking about how much my girl has grown up. She’s not that young anymore..she’s taller than I am now. My how she’s changed!

And then I noticed one or two little boys that reminded me of my little boy. Always little to me. One little boy had that same bouncy little run. And another had the same little haircut and face shape. And then my mind wandered a little bit and I started to tear up. I continued to walk with Christmas music ringing in my ears, feeling anything but merry and bright.

It reminded me of several IRL friends…and the blogging community. When one hurts, another will come along side and just ‘be’…listen and say they’ve been there or they understand..or they don’t understand and don’t know what to say but they still care. Those are the best kinds of friends…the ones who are content (and comfortable enough) to just be in those moments.

But there is an even greater Comforter as well. And I know He is with me always. 

John 16:7 (Amplified Bible)

⁷However, I am telling you nothing but the truth when I say it is profitable (good, expedient, advantageous) for you that I go away. Because if I do not go away, the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Advocate, Intercessor, Strengthener, Standby) will not come to you [into close fellowship with you]; but if I go away, I will send Him to you [to be in close fellowship with you].