perspective

There has been a lot going on lately at Chateau Notes. Life happens. And sometimes it is messy and hard. (we are fine...just normal stuff)

Recently we purchased new floors. Buy buy Bye-bye carpet and hello looks like wood vinyl planks. (Cali Bamboo LVP). I chose Cali because they are a pretty clean product with ultra low VOCs and that is important to me. But what an ordeal!

We spent about two weeks moving as much as we could to our dining room and kitchen..and even our extra bathtub..stack stack stack. It was crazy. But our installer called us dream clients because we did so much of the work for him. :) They ripped out all the old carpet..dust dust dust flying everywhere. GROSS. And they got busy installing our new floors. It took three days. We stayed two nights in a hotel.

And then we came home to a dusty dirty post reno MESS. But I couldn't get the floors looking clean. Major struggle bus. I think I figured out my problem today and used a different cleaner and they seem much prettier today..but its cloudy and dark out and I need a sunny day to know for sure.

But this whole thing along with a few other things going on, had me flaring with my breathing problems and just generally annoyed at life. Sometimes the everyday funk just gets me down, ya know?

I was scrolling and generally feeling sorry for myself when I stumbled upon a video from a local news personality. I knew she had breast cancer just three years ago. And then had a handful of 'state of the art' surgeries to rebuild her chest. Her latest video was announcing that she had metastatic breast cancer.  Her clock is ticking.

Y'all.

I had to stop and pray. And thank God that I feel great and can do things like left heavy furniture and boxes and that I'm dealing with everyday life..and not dealing with mortality.

It's hard to get flustered about smudges on floors when I could be fighting even harder for my life than I currently do.

So today I mopped my floors..again...with a new perspective. And Hope that goes beyond a better floor cleaner. 

Romans 15:13 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (italics mine)

I'm here

I guess that is a good way to start. I'm here. I am fine. Just sipping my green smoothie of this beautiful Lord's day and so aware of His grace and faithfulness to me.

There are so many things I could talk about. I could tell you about my Vitamix and how amazing it is. It really puts the smooth in smoothie. Or I could tell you how much I'm loving the early spring we are having. We worked out in the yard yesterday as a family and it was so nice. It's making me itch to plant some veggies. : )

But really more than anything, my heart his heavy. There is just so much going on in the world. And in my little world. People around me are hurting. People are finding out they are sick. Dealing with death. Dealing with life. And it's all just hard.

And it is drawing me ever more to the feet of the One who cares for me. The One who knows my heart and knows all that is weighing heavy on it.  The One who delights in my prayers. And delights in me when things are hard and I hardly feel like a delight to anyone. Except the One.

Thank you Father for being the One that satisfies my soul. Bring me to be ever more satisfied with You and less burdened by life and realize where Life truly comes from.

May you have a wonderful Sunday, my friends.

birthdays…his and mine

There were two birthdays last week. One to celebrate a 15th year that he never saw.

And another to celebrate my birthday, two days later. And I ain’t tellin’ how many 47 birthdays I’ve seen. ; )

I thought about letting Landon’s birthday pass without a word on the blog. When the day rolled around, I was busy thinking other thoughts intermingled with many thoughts of him. We went to Chili’s. We colored a pepper. I wrote on it about watching kids his age going to high school. And yet he is still four. It’s a strange life.

I am thankful for all his birthdays and thankful I could be his mommy here on earth, even if it was only for four years. And many more in heaven…I still wouldn’t trade it.

And then two days later, my birthday rolled around. Not much fanfare which is the usual for us. And that’s ok. But the mixture of his birthday and then mine and all that’s happened in the past year along with thoughts of my one year cancer-versary (coming up in about a month) left me in a very pensive mood.

So even though I was posting vacation pics last week, very often my thoughts and heart were far away…and not in Colorado.

I have felt the usual cloak of sadness creep in during this time of year, but there is this added layer this year. I will be honest here and say that there are fearful moments for me. What if’s hang heavy over me sometimes.

But I was reading in Hebrews today and I love it when I read a verse I’ve read over and over and He brings it to life again and gives it fresh beauty.

Hebrews 4:16 “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” NASB

Chapter 4 is talking about finding rest, and I think often we tend to think about ‘rest’ meaning when we die…RIP sort of thing. But the writer is talking about finding rest now. So thankful that even in the midst of living here, we can draw near to the throne of grace…aren’t those beautiful words???..and receive mercy and find grace…aren’t those things we look for all the time, even in things that won’t satisfy??? So thankful that when we do, He will help us in our time of need, which hello, is all the time.

Always so thankful when I read something I’ve read before…underlined even…and hear a word for today…right now…in them.

Hugs and love, my friends. : )

a little walk

I went for a little walk today. Hardest walk since my surgery. I did some pretty good cardio on the treadmill. I did almost 2 miles in about 28  minutes.

Woot.

Nevermind that I had to stop right in the middle of my cool down because my asthma was bothering me. At least it started bothering me at the end, instead of at the beginning. Moving on..

I usually walk on a track (indoors). But they were having a basketball camp down below in the gym. (I walk in a church wellness center.) So I chose to go to the work out room and use a machine rather than subject myself to dribbledribbledribbledribble. You get the picture.

And it was good. I didn’t do my normal cardio, which is a specific routine created for me by my personal trainer. So I plopped my ear buds in and enjoyed some Chris Tomlin. One line that stuck out to me today was “You take the pieces and turns them to praises…”. I love that! Because it’s so true. I don’t have anything of value to offer God or do for Him that makes me worthy of anything. I’m truly nothing. A speck on a speck, if you will. But He can take the pieces of my life…the things that are hard (including what happened to Landon and my current health issues)…the things that don’t even make sense to me or are too hard to even understand and recreate me into something that can see His work in the midst of it all. And turn them to praises. So true. If we will let it be so.

Love!

If the video doesn’t work, here is the link.

magnify

Growing up there were many ‘church words’ that I didn’t understand.

To be honest, a lot of church words are still sometimes a mystery.

O Magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together. Ps 34:3

I have heard the word magnify and read it and sung it and thought it but never really got what it means. Maybe I still don’t…but God is opening me up to see glimpses of what it means.

When I look at the moon, it is small. If I looked it with a telescope, it would be big. It hasn’t changed in size, but I see it differently because that’s what I am focusing on. My perspective has changed.

When I look at problems or my health or anything else, it can seem so BIG sometimes. A weight too big to carry. And then I look at God and He seems small compared to everything around me that I am focusing on.

Maybe I need to use my ‘telescope’ (prayer) and focus on God instead of the things around me. And then I can see Him better and the things that weigh on me would be smaller in comparison.

Perspective is a tricky thing and I am determined to keep my eyes focused on the One that matters most.

for the rest of my life

I know I’m making a lot of lifestyle changes. And I am enjoying them. Really, I am. But there are some days that the weight of all the changes, plus everything else just weighs heavy on me.

I was walking the other day, with all these things running through my head. I was overwhelmed with all the new things in my life that feel like “must-do’s” and I was starting to get really stressed out. And a little depressed.

All I could think about was…I am going to be trying to do ‘all these things’ and struggle to stay well for the rest of my life.

It was a lot to take in. And it sounded so much like the truth. Isn’t the enemy brilliant at making things sound so *right* inside our heads?

But thankfully there was another Voice not far behind that one. Saying “no daughter, all you need to do is love Me for the rest of your life and I will take care of you.”

*tears*

So that is where I am today. At times in both places. The place where I am stressed out. And the place where I am resting in the Love of my Father. Hopefully in the coming days the Truth will be more alive to me and the “other voice” will be drowned out by His Love.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

the highlights

I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I just finished Crazy Love by Francis Chan. And I just started Forgotten God, also by Chan. I am also reading The Breaking of the Outer Man and the Release of the Spirit by Watchman Nee.

Not exactly whatcha call light summer reading.

But good. Oh so good.

So good that I keep my highlighter handy at all times. So far in Forgotten God (I just started it), I have been in agreement with the things said…meaning the thoughts expressed aren’t new thoughts to me, but I do agree with them. And then I highlight them.

But especially in the Nee book, I highlight something because I agree with it. And other times I highlight because I know what he’s saying is true, but that truth isn’t alive in me yet. In the highlighting, I am in mental agreement with the idea or concept. And often those words stick with me or I find myself returning to them and reading them over and over until they become a part of me.

But something was still missing.

I am just beginning to understand that in the reading, I also need to give a more deliberate consent to the truths expressed and take them into my spirit and submit to them spiritually. Not just my mind. I have struggled with this for a very long time and yet for some reason, couldn’t “figure out” the answer. To which I say DUH to myself. The missing link to taking these truths further…whether expressed by an author in a book or in the Bible itself…is prayer.

I must pray though what I am reading. Pray the very truths/things being presented. My spirit would agree with them and yet I wondered why they weren’t coming alive in me any more than they were. I know of doing this, but I had never really figured out how to practice it. I am still just learning.

The Nee book is especially teaching me this. It is a very hard read. And taking me beyond what I know and what I am comfortable with. And yet there have been many “ah-ha moments” contained. Answers to some of the very basic and yet vital questions of walking with God. And yet those answers bring me to see that I need God all the more…and for more than just mental consent to the truth. But for it to be alive in me.

And for that, I am praying my way slooowly through. 

*I will give a short ‘sales pitch’ for the Nee book. Excellently written and hits the nail on the head as to our struggle to walk with God, be fruitful and experience His presence in our every day life.

first

*This post is just a hodge-podge of thought that I finally just hit “publish” on.

Put God first. I’ve heard this my whole life.

And thought for a long time that I knew what it meant.

Spend time with God ‘first’.

Do this or that for God ‘first’.

And then…???

I always hear “God first, then family”… or then whatever.

Well, if you ‘do’ God and then move on to something else, then where is God? He can’t be first if you’ve moved on to the next thing. He just lost His place in line.

You might think I’m splitting a silly hair here, but bear with me for a second. Then we can hold up the hairs and inspect them together.

What if…

…we just did God first. Period.

Or maybe what if we said God always. Not first, or second or anywhere else in line?

How do you think that would change things?

Now, I’m not saying to become a monk or anything. What I’m trying to say is what if everything we did were motivated by God and seeking Him? Praying and listening and doing as He pleases about everything? Whether it be spending time with Him as He guides…and pleasing Him in the process. Or spending time with your family or washing dishes as He guides…and pleasing Him in the process. All the needs are met by seeking the One and letting Him move you in the way He wants you to go.

Can you see how the motivation is different too? It’s not “doing this and then doing that”.  It’s pleasing The One…not everybody and everything. This is where we get bogged down sometimes. Doing things for our family because we want to please them..or we want them to please us in return. Or we serve on that committee because we want to make somebody happy, or we feel obligated.

Matthew 6:33
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you

What if keeping the house clean (or not..depending on how He leads)..or taking care of our kids or our family…or serving on that committee were part of the overflow..the “all these things will be added unto you” part?

Could it be that there is a wonderful way God wants to show Himself to you and me if we can seek Him? Only. And then watch what He does when we do?

I hope I didn’t ruffle any feathers here. This is just another one of the ways God has worked in my thinking about another one of the phrases I grew up with. And showed me another way to look at it.  

freedom to hear

I am doing BSF this year. I knew from the beginning of the study in the fall that I wasn’t sure if I was going to “make it”. And I was right. It’s HARD and a struggle every week to decipher an answer to the very intricately written book of Isaiah.

So I’ve been thinking about quitting.

Several girls have been wanting me to stay. Don’t go, it will get better. When? I know it’s hard, but it’s good. I think they say that just to sound better. It’s more like it’s hard but we’re supposed to like it so we’ll say it’s good too. I have been struggling with all the different opinions about what I should do.

Sunday the pastor was talking about the Spirit of God. It was like water to a thirsty, dry riverbed. I was so needing to hear what was being said. He was talking about making a decision and going to God’s word and listening to Him speak. And it was like finally I realized that I had been so caught up in what everybody else was saying, that I couldn’t hear anything any more.

You see, in this Bible study situation, there are many voices that are begging to be heard. There is the one in ME saying quit, this is too hard. There are the voices of friends saying stay, it will get better. Pulling me in every conceivable direction. I felt stuck and told a friend just that the other day.

Her response..you’re never stuck when you’re walking with God.

But in this situation, was I walking with God? Or just at war about what I should do. Sunday it hit me that I was simply at war between the girls wanting me to stay and the voice in me saying this is hard. Quit.

But I had neglected to hear the one Voice that is the only one that matters. And when I stopped giving in to what everybody was saying, I had the freedom to really hear.

This study is not where I want you to be.

Yeah I know…sounds exactly like I’m quitting, doesn’t it?

Sorta.

But you know what, it’s not. I’m not quitting. I am following God and what He wants me to do. So there isn’t any guilt. Do you see the difference there? If I just quit because I want to, then I would feel guilty that I am letting somebody down or this one will be upset or whatever. But if I am only out to please the One, and I do, then there is no condemnation.

So I did pull out last week when my leader called to check on me. She knew I had been thinking and praying about it so it wasn’t a big surprise to her. I felt so relieved to be where I was supposed to be!

I wrote two posts a long time ago that never made it up about this very thing…hearing God. But they never saw the light of day. It was never right for me to post them. And now I know why.

God wanted to live it out in me instead.

the blanket

I watched Marie Osmond the other day on Oprah as she talked about the sudden loss of her son to suicide. I wanted to see what she had to say. I am always interested in how people talk about loss. She talked about her son’s life and some of his struggles. And then she talked about when he died. And how he died. (he jumped from his apartment window)

One thing in particular she mentioned is that it will not “get better”. And she feels better since other people told her the same thing. That made me very sad. It makes life sound hopeless. I know she is Mormon, so she at least gives some sort of nod to some sort of god. But what a sad testament to her “religion”.

It just left me very sad for her and her family.

Because there is hope. The morning does come. I’m not here trying to say that I have everything figured out. Not in the least. But I know there is hope. And life to be had…even after a loss like that. (sudden or prolonged)

I remember the early days after Bub’s diagnosis and many other hard days. I say I remember them and yet I was in a fog and details are sketchy. I know the feeling and the thoughts and the sights and smells often more vividly than details..although I do remember many details I wish I could forget.

Yes, it was horrible…you could even call it a nightmare. But it was also like I was blanketed in something. That something was peace. I know that sounds crazy. And a part of me feels like a fake for saying that, because there were moments that peace was hard to find. Some moments left me struggling with every part of our reality. Those moments were hard, I won’t lie. I would be full of worry and anxiety. And looking around at everything going on filled me with fear.

But then God would draw me back to Himself and I would turn my focus to Him. Not the circumstances. When I focused only on Him and dwelt there, there was peace. And such a beautiful time of growth in Him.

It reminds me of a few sentences I read in Lysa TerKeurst’s book, Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl. It was like putting a huge ah-ha time of my life into words…

Then one day you take off the blanket of deep grief. You fold it neatly and tuck it away. You no longer hate it or resist it. For underneath it wondrous things have happened.

The why questions have been replaced with truths from God's Word. Verses that stung to read at first have now become the very lifeline you cling to. God's presence has fallen softly upon you and helped you see that good can come and will come to you and through you.

.

There are days I still take out that blanket. Some days it is to grieve. Again. But other days…most days… when I take it out, it’s to remember all the things God taught me under it. And be thankful.

crabby

I guess crabby is just about the best way to describe how I feel right now.

I have not been ‘going there’ very much with my thoughts or feelings and felt like I was doing ok this week.

But there have been these other little things that are bothering me. I can’t find some simple household objects that I need. Misplaced. Lost? I have no idea.  But I’d like to be able to put my hands on these things that just seem to have fallen off a cliff into the pit of nowhere.

And it’s just been gnawing at me.

Some of that hit the wall…and my family (sorry!) this morning. I wasn’t a pretty girl to be around. My husband finally decided I needed some ‘cinnamon roll therapy’ at our favorite brunch place. As an appetizer for our brunch/lunch. It was soo good. Things were looking up.

And then I noticed a little over halfway through my breakfast burrito that it had cheese in it. I can’t eat cheese and had asked for it not be there. Grrrrr. I stopped eating that and wondered if I was going to end up sick.

So I wasn’t in a great mood when we left after lunch. But we were laughing and I was trying to make the best of the day and let go of my awful emotions from earlier in the morning. We flipped on the a/c and headed out of the parking lot.

And then..poof. The a/c just quit on us. So I rolled down the window and we headed straight to the dealer to see if they could work us in or make us an appointment for next week. It turned out to be the later, so we headed on home with the windows rolled down.

Made me laugh and remember going on trips in the summer ‘back in the day’ before cars had air conditioning. My hair would feel like straw after blowing in the wind all day. Thankful we have a/c now.

But this whole thing has been weird. None of the things in and of themselves are a big deal. And just by themselves, I wouldn’t be having a melt down over any of it.

But there is the ‘other issue’ brewing under the surface. I feel like I am using everything I have to keep it in check and then add to that all these pesky details of life. I just can’t handle all of that.

Of course I can’t.

But Jesus can. And He came to take all these burdens that weigh me down and give me peace that is beyond my understanding. And even though I know that and have experienced it, I still forget and need to be reminded.

Thankful to be reminded today.

walking with God…literally

I know y’all are going to get tired of me posting about home school. I can’t help it. Especially because right now while we get rolling, I don’t have time for much else.

We are stepping up her ‘workout’ for PE this week. That means we’re trying to spend a little more time on the treadmill etc. and up the cardio a little bit. Well, I probably don’t have to tell you that she and I are both pretty un-athletic. So bumping up the cardio is a big deal.

And I hate it.

I am not not a big fan of exercise.

The workout center at the church makes it easy as they’ve got TV’s to watch and I always have my iPod in my pocket to listen to music while I walk.

I spend most of my time on the treadmill with earplugs in and my hands lightly resting on the side rail dealies so I can walk with my eyes closed. I know I get a little less of a workout that way because I’m not moving my arms, but it keeps me centered so I can sort of zone out.

I can block out the tv, other people working out (except my girl that I have to remind what to do from time to time) and any other distraction.

And walk with God. Literally.

I listen to music and just worship God. And pray. I love it.

further ‘from the wall’ evidence *updated with link

Yesterday was BSF. They have monthly luncheons for the small groups. I went the first week I was in a group. I was brand new and only listened. The second luncheon was when I had bronchitis, so I didn’t go. And then yesterday was our last one. So I decided I would go.

The point of this luncheon is to share what God is showing you in real life with what you’re learning through in the lesson. I love that. It’s not a ok, we’re not at church now, so let’s all gossip and talk about whatever we want to talk about. It’s on topic and it truly a sharing time. And the ladies are just precious.

So every girl at the table shared and then it was all eyes on me. I had shared with my BSF group leader that calls every week, as I worked my way through ‘the grief time’ this year. One week she called and I ended up crying all the way through the call. And then the next week, things were better and then the next week, even better.  And she wanted me to share.

For the life of me, I could not think of what to say or how to say it. I didn’t plan anything in particular to say. I’m not even sure I felt led to share. But share I did. I have a hard time when I’m nervous (don’t know these ladies very well) and semi-emotional at the same time. Not a very good combination. I came away thinking I had not conveyed anything of value to them. Just a bunch of scrambled thoughts. I know there were some things God was saying in the midst of my nerves and jumbled thoughts, so I hope they could pick those out. : ) 

But I certainly don’t see any future in public speaking. Blogging is more my medium. I can think without a bunch of eyes staring at me. That gives me time to think through what I’m going to say and I think it edits my words so I don’t ramble and it helps me say just the things God would have me say (hopefully).

So now I’m just praying that God takes my inability to communicate and speak to these ladies in a way that I can’t.

BSF and some sneaky grief

A friend of mine invited me to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship).  I’ve heard wonderful things about it. And I’ve even been to an intro meeting before, but I’ve never joined. 

I know several women IRL that go to BSF there.  I also know Donna, who goes there as well. Donna found me and sat with me through the lecture part.  *clang* (that sound you hear is my worlds colliding!)

After the lecture, I went to find my friend that invited me. She works in the children’s area, so to say hi to her meant going to the childrens’ wing of the building.  We used to belong to the church where the meeting is held when our kids were very small.  As a matter of fact, hubs and I met and married there as well.  So we have a leeetle bit of history with those walls.

So I chatted with Donna as we headed to the childrens area. I told her that Bub went to mother’s day out in that  childrens area.  As a matter of fact, when I picked him up from what would turn out to be his last day of MDO, I noticed something odd about him. That started the wheel rolling to get his diagnosis. His last classroom there was ‘the last room on the left’.

My friend was working in… the last room on the left.

The walls have been painted in some new funky colors so it doesn’t exactly look like it used to.  But it still felt very odd.  I talked to my friend outside her room for a minute and then she had to go.  It was hard for me to talk to her without choking up. I was standing in the exact spot where our lives began to cave in.  How do you just stand there thinking about that? 

But I did.  With tears in my eyes.  And a bit of a quivering voice.

And then I walked out and came on home.

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. 2 Cor 4:7.

Yes.. I *heart* this verse.  : )

don’t just sing it

Sometimes I think about verses that sound beautiful… I might even sing a song with that verse in it…and yet sometimes I don’t stop and think much about what the words mean.

I read a post about this verse today and it got me to thinking.

Ps 24:3-4.  Who may ascend into the hill of the LORD?
         And who may stand in His holy place?
⁴He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
         Who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood…”

One of the points about this post was the idea that we like the idea of confession and repentance more than the practice of confession and repentance.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks just how true that is.

I know He wants to forgive… and that He is forgiving… but very often I don’t do anything about it.  I’ll think about my sin and think that is enough.  Or be sorry for my sin and not confess it.  Or even pray around the sin and still not confess it.  Many times around this point I feel better because I feel like I’ve acknowledged the offense in my own heart and yet I haven’t truly confessed it.  And there are so many ways I am a repeat offender…and I still don’t stop and realize I didn’t “just make a mistake” or something.  I sinned. 

It’s hard to confess sin, even to someone close to me, even when I know they’re going to give me a hug and tell me they love me anyway.  But sometimes it’s also hard to confess things to God. Why?  After all, He’s going to do more than hug me and tell me it’s ok (which hello, sin isn’t ‘ok’ anyway). He is going to forgive my sin. I think that’s something I can get a little umm.. casual about.  The fact that I need actual forgiveness.  But the difficult thing is… the more I need forgiveness, the more my flesh tells me I’m ok.  And that darkens my heart to the life that God wants to be in me.  And hardens me to His calling out and wooing to bring me back to Himself.  

But in those times, I just can’t see it (sometimes).  Or I can’t see Him, would be more accurate. Why??? Because my heart is not pure! 

Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

I feel like I’ve been flipping and flopping around for a little while and neglecting a fundamental and yet all important aspect of my walk with Him… confession. 

It’s beautiful to sing it and let it’s words flow through my mind, but more difficult to pray it and let it break my heart and change me and be the death of me, so to speak.  But it’s so good when it does.

the past and the days to come

I’m doing a Beth Moore study. I’ve never done one before.  That might be a surprise to you… or you might say Beth who?  I’ve never really desired to do one, but I’m going to a new church and a good friend already goes there… and she usually does a Beth Moore study when school starts or a new semester for the ladies studies roll around.  So I decided to join her.

Anyway… I’m doing this study.  And to be honest I wasn’t sure if this was for me.  I’ve always studied my Bible since God really opened my eyes to Himself, but never in a ladies group, if that makes any sense.  And being sort of ‘from the wall’ and all, I wasn’t too thrilled about being in small groups and having to share and speak up.  Yes, sitting here typing is MUCH easier than pouring my heart out in front of six or seven sets of eyes staring back at me. 

Maybe this is just ‘my week’ like one of the other girls said last week when we gathered while I scratched my head in wonderment of such a statement.  Well, like I said, maybe this is just my week.  At the beginning of day three she makes a statement that sort of blew me over and yet I knew it was very true. 

“Christ is both Alpha and Omega.  When our lives are immersed in Him, every ending, everything we believe to be the death of us is instead a hand-engraved invitation to a new beginning.”

I read that and just said YES.  I knew what she was saying was for me. I knew it when Bub died. This is not the end of life.  We will go on.  Differently and with sorrow at times, but I knew that God would be moving forward in my life with Him and I knew He still had plans for me.  As a matter of fact, I heard a song called I Will Listen by Twila Paris during the time Bub was sick that I knew I would have played at his memorial service.  The first time I heard it, it pierced me to my very core because, as much as it hurt, I knew it was true.  I listened to it one time and the second time I heard it was at his memorial. Even now, I have to prepare myself to hear it because it is so moving to me. And a call to continue on.

The study this week was reminding me of one part of the song near the end where it talks about learning to dream the dreams He has dreamed for me. Those are hard words for a mother that has just buried her child, and yet so true.  He is still at work.  He still has dreams for what He wants to accomplish in me. 

Beth was having us make a timeline of God’s work in the past and the future work He will do in us. I so dramatically saw His hand at work in me during the time of Bub’s illness. And it just made me want to call out to Him for a fresh continuing of that work… to not get so lost in the everyday that I miss His work now and in the days to come.

ps.. no that’s not Twila singing and I have no idea who Kevin is. Carry on.

but not

Yesterday's sermon was very interesting. He is starting a series about having an unbreakable faith. I had never thought about it that way before. But God does want to equip us to be unbreakable even when the world and life and the griefs and tragedies of this life come crushing down on us.

One of the things he brought up was the loss of children. And he speaks from first hand knowledge as they've experienced this unique loss. God has worked to heal their hearts and now they can turn and minister to others faced with the same circumstances. He used 2 Corinthians 4 and the two words that stood out to me were but not. All these things are going on but we are not crushed, but not driven to despair, but never abandoned by God, but not destroyed. But not.

I loved those words because they say so much. Yes life is hard. God never promises otherwise. Life can feel like it's caving in or like it will never be the same or we will never be happy again or whatever.. but not. We are never abandoned... never destroyed.

I remember at Bub's memorial, people kept telling me how strong I was. (and I'm not saying this to brag because...) I didn't feel strong. I knew I wasn't strong. God was the only thing keeping me together, pushing me forward and giving me peace and strength. I was grieving and feeling like life as I knew it was over but not. But not destroyed. But not without hope for Bub... for us. But not.

"Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies." vs 10 So that even though our hearts and bodies are weak and unable... Jesus may be seen as He works in our lives. He is the only thing that keeps me going.... the only reason my heart is healing/healed. I know there have been times of thinking unhealthily in regards to Bub's death and it's at those times I realize this is not God's work in my life... but me letting go of Him and trying to run things myself. During those times I AM crushed, in despair, feeling abandoned etc. But He did not abandon. In those times, I am the one that abandoned. I'm so thankful He brings me to see myself and see my need and run back to Him.

At those times, I can realize that even though I still might have difficult moments in regards to Bub and mental images that pop up at the worst times... but not. I'm so thankful for but not.

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves." vs 7

living at 211*

There are some things in life right now that are stressful. They aren't easy. They aren't simple to figure out or work through. And sometimes those things have me so upset I'm barely worth a lick to anybody.

I love it how God can say what He wants to say to me, even when the words themselves don't exactly match up. Sunday's sermon was one of those times! He was talking about anger. Most of the time my feelings are just limited to frustration. But every now and then something happens though, and I do get angry.

It was interesting. The pastor talked about being angry a lot growing up and one particular conversation his dad had with him and all he said was son, if you don't get a handle on this anger, it's going to destroy your life. In my opinion, those are some of the wisest words anyone could say to someone who struggles with anger.

I must be in control of how I respond to the things going on around me, or it is going to make my life very difficult. I realize this and yet set it aside when the heat isn't turned up at that moment. He talked about how the boiling point of water is 212* F. And how many people live at 211*. I realized that in many ways, I had been internalizing the issues going on around me, keeping my heart and mind at a steady 211, so that if there was the tiniest blip of struggle or confrontation on the radar, it sent me into boiling mode and it just made life difficult.

So God used those words to smack me 'tween the eyes on Sunday. Again.

And yet I know *I* can't do this. At all. Obviously. But He can! I am so glad He wants to recreate us and is continually make us into new creatures... something that doesn't resemble the old at all!

lunch

I had lunch yesterday with a sweet friend of mine. We'll call her SF...short for sweet friend. The cleverness never ends, does it? Anyway... I am little surprised these days that she even wants to have anything to do with me. I haven't been much fun lately. But she agreed to meet me for lunch yesterday.

Because that's what SF's do.

Our conversation covered a wide range of topics. We talked about documenting our faith stories for our children. (little does she know about my blog, since none of my IRL friends know about it.. that I know of!) I told her about my recent shot record fiasco. And since she knows the details of the major things stressing me out these days, we talked about that some too. And I could hardly keep from bawling for most of our meal.

I started on some new hormone medication the other day and laughingly told her that I checked to see if mood swings were a side affect and alas they were not. So my crazy emotional state is all me. I don't know whether to say LOL or boo hoo, ya know?

We also talked about how we've both experienced different kinds of losses. And that those losses are teaching us not to hold on to things like our children quite as hard. I nodded in agreement...tears already filling my eyes. Life is fragile.

She is not the first person in the past week I've had that discussion with.

But talking about not holding tightly to our children reminded me of something. Something I have never told her. Something I've never told anybody. I remember very early on in my walk with God, that He was calling me to tell Him that my children were His. I think I knew that mentally and in our denomination, we do what is called a dedication where the parents promise to raise their kids and bring them up to want to know Christ and 'dedicate' our children to God, but for many it is mostly a ceremony and a photo op. And deep down in my heart, I knew I was holding on to my children and so this is why He was calling me to tell Him they were His. I did.

And I grieved. Like a death.

Probably a year or so after that is when neuroblastoma came into our lives. And you know the rest of the story. But I think a part of me grieved that loss long before it was to become a reality. Sometimes people say that my story makes them hold on to their own children tighter.

Don't.

Hold on to HIM tighter. Because He is the one that holds their lives in His hands.

why? *edited*

So many things have been going on lately. Stressful things. Things I can't really blog about, but anyhoo.... a very big issue that's been going on, undid itself yesterday, letting me take a huge exhale and hopefully put this one little problem 'to bed' as they say. Not to say that everything is peachy and everything is 'over'... far from it. But this one detail that was up in the air for weeks, isn't any longer. And I'm so glad.

But... right when this thing happened (and again I hate to be vague, but sometimes it's just best, ya know) ...anyway, when this thing happened that put some things up in the air, I struggled and was angry and confused and didn't know where to turn next and was just generally exhausted from the stress and anxiety of everything. And then fiiiinally I prayed. I know. My bad. Why do we think we've got to handle everything? When God wants us to cast all our cares on Him, because He cares for us? I will never know why. But still, I do it.

And something happened when I prayed. I got a response. Getting the response itself wasn't really the interesting part... but the response was. And yet from where I was sitting, I could not see how in the world we were gonna get from Point A to Point B... especially from where I was sitting at Point A. It seemed impossible. And that led to more distress. Again, trying to handle everything and caving in under the stress of it all. And why???

I have struggled a lot this past few weeks. I would remember Point B as it had been laid out before me by God... and look at where we seemed to be....still hovering around in A Land and it just tore me apart. And the clock kept ticking and nothing was happening.

Yesterday the phone rang. Point B! It just landed in my lap. Big exhale. And yet, as I hung up the phone I realized I could have exhaled several weeks ago. But why??? Because of me. My flesh nature that reasons and thinks about things and tries to figure things out and worries and and and...!

We were never meant for that. I know that. And God knows that. And sometimes He gives me a refresher on it. Again. : )

*Edited* Some days the light at the end of the tunnel is a train. *sigh*