holy ground

On that day in 2002, the birds were singing and the skies were a bright blue.  There wasn't a cloud in the sky...just the one that hung over our hearts as we buried our beloved one.

Today was much the same. Except we came in shorts and tee shirts. Holding flowers. For our sweet boy. 

That day was perfect. I know that sounds strange. The weather was stunningly beautiful. The perfect 'no temperature' temperature for a spring day.

Today as we walked up the small incline to his place, I watched my flip flopped feet. My only thought was we are standing on holy ground.

Not because there are lots of headstones and much grief there..and not because my baby's empty shell is buried there. But because of how I met God that day.

He was in the birds singing. And the breezes that caused the wind chimes to play their melodies.

And He was in me. I sat and felt those breezes and knew at that moment, it was Him breathing His Spirit around me and into me when I needed it like never before.

Today, it felt very much like years gone by, but the knowing was even more real. My hand pressed against the cold stone touching a name that is only a spirit now.  My girl and I exchanged knowing glances and she left me just to be for a moment, breathing it all in, touching, listening. It's all the same...yet He is more real. 

Thank you Father for breathing Your Spirit into me every day...but with an extra measure today. 

Happy anniversary, my beloved one.

12 years

Twelve years ago tonight, we kissed our little guy goodnight for the last time. He woke up in the arms of Jesus early in the morning.

It still hurts. A part of my heart still swells with ache when I recall those last days and the days following. And yet now as the years have gone by, it seems more settled. Less of a piercing and more of just an ache.

But still an ache.

The hurt is less extreme. There was less dread this year. I know part of the reason for that is that I now live in the shadow of not just what this awful disease has done to another person, but what it can do to me. And I to live every day with the realization that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow.

And yet if we are His, we are guaranteed more than a tomorrow…we know He’s made a way for our eternity. So thankful for that.

Hugs and love to you, sweet one. We do still miss you and wonder all the what if’s. But we are thankful there is one thing we don’t have to wonder about. Your forever.

Love, Mommy

a week of days

This is ‘the’ week. The anniversary of the week we lost our Landon. But there is something unique this year. For the first time since we lost our little Bub 11 years ago, the days fall on the same days of the week as the year we lost him.

So Friday was remembered because we talked to his oncologist because he had been waking up at night in pain and he HAND DELIVERED TO OUR DOOR STEP a scrip for narcotics so we could go get in filled. And then we went to get in filled at a different pharmacy ( not just any pharmacy carries narcotics in liquids for kids) and both kids were running around acting crazy. We laughed and didn’t care. We knew his time of being with us was coming to an end, but even then we had no idea just how quickly it would actually come.

Then over the weekend he had more struggles. He felt decent so we did some ‘normal’ stuff. He wanted a pair of sunglasses, so we bought those for him. I cry every time I look at the pics of him lying on the couch smiling with those glasses on. On death’s door. But still trying to play and be a kid. (crying now just thinking about that)

Monday we went in to clinic to get him started on hospice. We had to wait forever in the waiting room and I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. Couldn’t the nurses and doctors just believe us that he wasn’t doing well and get the ball rolling without us coming in. (no)

Tuesday hospice came to get us started.  Fancy talk for coming to meet us. We continued to give liquid meds from his onc throughout the week because they didn’t know what to do with Landon and for some strange reason consulted ‘other sources’ instead of talking to his TWO oncs. (I was livid. I was also livid that hospice never contacted his oncs to let them know after he passed. Our sweet onc read it IN THE NEWSPAPER AND CALLED US.)

Thursday we finally got some relief in the form of a patch and some different oral meds…just in time for bed Thursday night. We put him to bed and he woke up in Jesus’ arms Friday morning. (I wrote more about this night here)

Friday we were numb. By 7 am the funeral home had come and gone and we began making phone calls. We went to Luby’s for lunch, but nobody was hungry so really we just pushed around some food on our plates. We had all lost our appetites from the events of the night and morning. By Friday afternoon, a friend came into town to do Landon’s service.

Saturday we planned everything at the funeral home and picked out a plot. In the pouring rain. Sunday was the viewing. Hubs and I went ahead to see him before we had to have it all together for the family viewing time. It was still raining. The power went out as we twisted the knob to enter his ‘room’. We waited on the power to come back on to proceed. Very strange. I remember not having any idea what to expect. In my mind he was tiny, but he was longer than I thought he was. I remember thinking he looked so big and yet so tiny at the same time. Something else nobody in their wildest imaginations can see in their mind’s eye…their little beloved one being laid to rest. Wanting to cherish the last time I would see his little face and his little hands holding on to one of his stuffed kitties and yet so strongly not wanting to remember him like this. But I do. *tears*

Monday was the burial and memorial service. It was beautiful and perfect and sweet.

All of these things were eleven years ago this week.

A week full of days that hold tremendous meaning and are special and break our hearts all at the same time. Little snippets that are forever etched on our memories…

So I will see you, my friends, on the other side. Please pray for us as we walk through this week in a strangely even more sobering way this year.

We miss you still, sweet boy. You would be so big. I can’t wrap my head around how much time has passed! Mommy and Daddy and Sister love you very much!

birthdays…his and mine

There were two birthdays last week. One to celebrate a 15th year that he never saw.

And another to celebrate my birthday, two days later. And I ain’t tellin’ how many 47 birthdays I’ve seen. ; )

I thought about letting Landon’s birthday pass without a word on the blog. When the day rolled around, I was busy thinking other thoughts intermingled with many thoughts of him. We went to Chili’s. We colored a pepper. I wrote on it about watching kids his age going to high school. And yet he is still four. It’s a strange life.

I am thankful for all his birthdays and thankful I could be his mommy here on earth, even if it was only for four years. And many more in heaven…I still wouldn’t trade it.

And then two days later, my birthday rolled around. Not much fanfare which is the usual for us. And that’s ok. But the mixture of his birthday and then mine and all that’s happened in the past year along with thoughts of my one year cancer-versary (coming up in about a month) left me in a very pensive mood.

So even though I was posting vacation pics last week, very often my thoughts and heart were far away…and not in Colorado.

I have felt the usual cloak of sadness creep in during this time of year, but there is this added layer this year. I will be honest here and say that there are fearful moments for me. What if’s hang heavy over me sometimes.

But I was reading in Hebrews today and I love it when I read a verse I’ve read over and over and He brings it to life again and gives it fresh beauty.

Hebrews 4:16 “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” NASB

Chapter 4 is talking about finding rest, and I think often we tend to think about ‘rest’ meaning when we die…RIP sort of thing. But the writer is talking about finding rest now. So thankful that even in the midst of living here, we can draw near to the throne of grace…aren’t those beautiful words???..and receive mercy and find grace…aren’t those things we look for all the time, even in things that won’t satisfy??? So thankful that when we do, He will help us in our time of need, which hello, is all the time.

Always so thankful when I read something I’ve read before…underlined even…and hear a word for today…right now…in them.

Hugs and love, my friends. : )

my framed pepper

Yesterday we decided to go to Chili’s for lunch. They’re still doing peppers this month. Check them out!

We wanted to see if my chili pepper was framed and hung.

It was!

I still can’t get over it that they cared enough about our story to go to the trouble to frame my pepper! So touched and humbled by their kindness.

I didn’t even remember exactly what I wrote last year. Every year I tell a form of the story and hubs draws pics of Landon’s favorite things. And together they tell a sweet little story of his short little life.

Thanks St. Jude’s for all you do! (I took that pic as we drove through Memphis.)

And thanks Chili’s for your kindness toward us and our boy. : )

pepper time

Today we decided to eat lunch at Chili’s.

After all it is September…which is Create a Pepper time for St. Jude’s!

We go every year. We never know what, if anything will be said to us. But we don’t do it for us. We do it for our little guy. It’s a sweet way to memorialize him.

And make a donation at the same time.

We feel like our peppers also raise awareness. Because kids from every community across America are touched by this, even though most people don’t realize it.

So we asked to color peppers. Our waiter brought out three for us and we got to work. After we completed our peppers, I took pictures of them with hubs’ iPhone. I had intended to take my camera, but forgot. I’ve never taken pictures of our creations, but thought it would be fun. So that’s what I did.

And then our waiter came and took them and walked away. This is the part where we never know what’s going to happen next. I couldn’t see anything because he walked away behind me. We continued on with our conversations etc, but hubs was watching. The waiter carried them under his arm..and then back to the back..and then back again..and then they changed hands. The next thing we knew, the manager came to our table. He had been wanting to meet us, as he’s been reading our peppers for a few years.

I was blown away.

He said our peppers were the only ones they kept last year and they are having one of them framed and hung by the entrance.

I was so humbled. I told him I appreciated his kindness and thanked him for his kind words.

We held it together but our girl was in tears after he walked away. We were just beyond words that our little story has touched so many in our Chili’s.

last day

We’ve been discussing the (possible/probable/whatever) move a lot around our house. But this week we’re kind of distracted.  

Today is the last day.

The last day Bub…ok…Landon..was with us. I thought you all might like to know Bub’s real name. Although more often than not, we speak of him as Bub ourselves.

Anyway, today is the 9th anniversary of Landon’s last day with us.

He was bedridden this last week. He wanted to play computer games at one point, so I carried him to the chair in big sister’s room and he played his little Tonka truck game for a while. And he napped and woke up on this day, as if normal.

But he was hurting.

Later in the evening, the girl and I curled up near the couch where Landon was resting and watching tv. Each of us drinking him up in our own way…talking and saying silly things and just speaking gently to him of our love.

Later in the evening, Daddy gave him a bath. His last. He wanted a mint that night so we gave him a mint and put on a medicine patch. And sent him to bed. You can read more of this night here.

So just for now..for this week..unless I am feeling particularly “in the mood”, the house hunt is off. I just can’t handle the stress of this week coupled with looking at houses and trying to decide another place to live.

And leaving the house we all lived in.

Just can’t handle doing all of that at once.

Today is a special day. It’s a day we lived life together. We hugged. We kissed. We laughed.

We loved.

And we still do.

letting go

We went to Home Depot over the weekend to buy some stuff to start making a few repairs to the house before it goes on the market. I’m excited. And I’m not.

I’m excited about the thought of a new neighborhood. (you have no idea) I’m excited about figuring out where all our stuff goes and the colors on the walls, rugs etc.

We found a house I love (hubs doesn’t even bother to go see them until I give the go ahead..he still hasn’t seen any), but it had a pool. *Not gonna happen. But this house was just perfect. Not too big, not too small.  And pretty much a blank canvas. I think there were only two things hanging on the walls in the whole house. Great layout etc. I’ve been mentally decorating that house even though it’s a firm no-go.

And because of this, the reality of not living in this house is setting in.

After Bub slipped away, we had to decide whether we were going to live in ‘this’ house or buy another. We looked but couldn’t settle on anything. And the bottom line was that we just weren’t ready to part with it. It held lots of memories…some happy and some very very sad..but all fresh. And we just weren’t ready to let go.

So we remodeled and stayed. And I could tuck those memories safely away and not really think about the idea of not being able to ‘see’ them while walking around my house. And now I’m faced with this (hopefully) fact that we will leave here sometime (hopefully) soon and never come back. Never walk down the hallway. Never scrub the kids’ tub. Never put clothes in these closets. And it’s hitting me a little bit.

But I told hubs this morning that I’m kind of looking forward to being in our home office and it not being the room in which Bub breathed his last. I don’t think about that every time I’m in there…if I did, it would be bad. But I do think it. Sometimes. We do carry on normal lives in all the rooms of our house. But those thoughts are there…mostly untouched.

Until now.

I’m learning that I’ll need to work through some more grief to let go and move on.

*I told my realtor the other day that if the perfect house can come along with a pool, then another perfect one can come along without one. : )

the mourning booth

Yesterday the girl and I did her last ‘go to the gym’ PE session. It felt good to realize we did what we set out to do. 18 weeks of PE (as of this Friday).

woot.

But a weird thing happened yesterday. We walked in the gym on the walking track. Which means we were walking one floor above the wooden gym floor along the outer rim looking down at what ever was going on.

And at that particular time, 3 year old Mother’s Day Out kids were running around playing. At first I was annoyed. Noisy kids. Turn up the iPod. And then I started watching them. I guess being a mom for all these years makes me a bit of a student of behavior because I could pick out the shy kid. The dominant one. And so it went. But then I picked out the girl that reminded me the most of my girl when she was that age. I even told her she was ‘those kids’ once…playing on that same gym floor during her MDO days.

It was a sweet time just thinking about how much my girl has grown up. She’s not that young anymore..she’s taller than I am now. My how she’s changed!

And then I noticed one or two little boys that reminded me of my little boy. Always little to me. One little boy had that same bouncy little run. And another had the same little haircut and face shape. And then my mind wandered a little bit and I started to tear up. I continued to walk with Christmas music ringing in my ears, feeling anything but merry and bright.

It reminded me of several IRL friends…and the blogging community. When one hurts, another will come along side and just ‘be’…listen and say they’ve been there or they understand..or they don’t understand and don’t know what to say but they still care. Those are the best kinds of friends…the ones who are content (and comfortable enough) to just be in those moments.

But there is an even greater Comforter as well. And I know He is with me always. 

John 16:7 (Amplified Bible)

⁷However, I am telling you nothing but the truth when I say it is profitable (good, expedient, advantageous) for you that I go away. Because if I do not go away, the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Advocate, Intercessor, Strengthener, Standby) will not come to you [into close fellowship with you]; but if I go away, I will send Him to you [to be in close fellowship with you].

color a pepper

It’s that time again! Time to color chili peppers at Chili’s to benefit St. Judes.

Every year I stare at my pepper and can’t figure out what I want to do with it. This year I decided to take out a pen and write a short version of Bub’s story. (I think I did that last year too.)

I handed our stack of peppers to our waitress and she walked away with them. Sometimes that’s the end of ‘it’ and other times our wait person will make some kind of comment. Usually to the tune of “I’m so sorry for your loss” and then not really knowing what else to say. Bless their hearts. I usually try to keep the conversation upbeat because I don’t want them to be over-emotional about it or feel awkward or whatever.

But this year’s waitress said something new. She told us that her little brother is a SURVIVOR of neuroblastoma AND he was treated at the same hospital by the SAME doctor as Bub! I just about fell out of my chair. I was so happy for her and her family!

It was sweet and bittersweet all at the same time. Very precious.

13 candles

Today is another birthday.

Another one where we look at each other silently and knowingly.

And know there won’t be cake.

Or presents.

Or thirteen candles.

Another year has gone by.

I wonder if there will come a year that we don’t count how old would he’d be.

Or how long he’s been gone.

Probably not.

Happy birthday in heaven today, sweet boy. 

Love and kisses.

Mommy

working on the pics

I told myself.. and y’all that I was going to start working on photos from when my kids were little.

Both kids.

Including before Bub’s illness, during and beyond.

I have started the process.

Since there are pix of both kids, I had to decide how I was going to do ‘this’. Here is what I decided. I did not want to constantly bombard the girl with pix of her brother and yet I didn’t want to erase him from everything either. So I separated the pix quite a bit. I have a book of her and a book of him (so we can look at them from time to time). But if both kids are together, I put just a few of those in her book. It still gives her a sense of when he was with us, but it is mostly about her. I think that will work out well for us without being ‘in your face’ about everything.

I have many pix that were taken of Bub when he was sick. I wanted to document everything, so that if he made it, he could see how far he came. So now they just remind me of everything we all went through..including him of course. What a strong, brave little man. It still astounds me that he rarely complained or even said he was in pain. Very remarkable for a three year old.

In the last few weeks, I have done from January when he was diagnosed, through July when he was having radiation.  I opened those pics today and just broke down. I have gone as far as I can go today (after doing several rolls from earlier, including when we shaved his head at diagnosis).

It’s very hard to look at picture after picture of my baby all sick like that. It just conjures up all sorts of images that I don’t dwell on very often.

It just hurts.

it’s dainty

I wear the same necklace every day.  I guess you could say I’m not much for accessorizing. Just throw on the same ole thing and be done with it.  I put it on and silently know why I own it.  Because Bub died.  But I don’t dwell on it heavily throughout the day. It’s just there. 

Until someone mentions it. I went to visit someone today that has commented on my necklace in the past, so it brought those thoughts to the forefront again, even though it wasn’t mentioned today.

I love my little necklace.  It’s dainty.  That’s what my jeweler calls everything I have. Dainty. I’m built small. When I was picking out my wedding ring with him, he called it dainty too.  My finger is a children’s size. (I can still wear a ring I was given by my grandmother when I was probably 9 or 10 and I haven’t had to resize it. I wear it on my right ring finger every day.)

So anyway… the necklace. It reminded me of something today. 

Over the Christmas holiday, we did a lot of house cleaning. We were all home and none of us were overly tired from working and school, so we got a lot done. And that was good.  But one of the things we did was re-arrange ‘the closet’.. Bub’s closet/office closet.  Every few years we go through and straighten up and throw out etc.

And I found one of Bub’s favorite books! The butterfly book. It wasn’t called that, but that’s what HE called it.

Yes, his favorite book came to us already well loved. But that’s ok.  Every time we read the book, we had to stop so he could look at the butterflies.   

His favorite was the green one in the center left area. We always had to stop so he could admire all of them.. but especially the green one.

It was easy to decide what to have made in memory of him.

There is another post that tells more of the story of my necklace here.

Goldie’s

So I left you hanging yesterday with us eating lunch at an icon.  Well, there is a restaurant that holds a special place on the hub’s side of the family. 

It’s called Goldie’s.  There are several locations in Tulsa, but this is the favorite one of the family.  Hub’s parents ate there in their early marriage days until they moved away.  And we used to eat there when we would visit family in Tulsa.  Now that those family members are no longer with us, trips to Goldie’s are few and far between. But we made it into town at the right time to have us a great diner burger….

…. and eat pickles from the pickle bar! 

Our waitress was an older lady that called everybody honey or shoog and seemed to know every face that came in the door.  There are counter service stools that run the length of the place, and then a row of booths that run the length of the windows on the other side. And then a bigger ‘dining room’ at the end.  And nothing has changed in all the years we’ve eaten there.  The walls have ‘vintage’ gold colored ceramic tiles on them and everything is very just a little worn.

It was like being in our own episode of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives!

Hubs has great memories of making pickle sandwiches out of crackers and silly things like that with his siblings when they were young and he passed that knowledge on to Miss Boo while we were there.  Fun.

We actually got a Goldie’s in one of the suburbs near us, a few months before we lost Bub. We used to eat there with him, and of course, he loved it just like we do.  The day of Bub’s memorial, we were asked where we would like to eat for dinner that night, and hubs and I both called out Goldie’s. 

We had eaten there so often we became known as regulars.  They had gotten to know our little man and missed him with us when we ate there in the months to come.  Unfortunately the place folded, which is not uncommon for things in the well-to-do area they tried to make a go of it in.  We drive past where Goldie’s used to be sometimes.  It’s a very elegant fine dining establishment now.  But we’ve never been in.  It just wouldn’t be the same.

some of you have asked

I made a small scrapbook a few years ago. I had the empty book on hand and stumbled upon some pics of the little mister in happy, healthier days. I think I had gotten these pics ready for something for church… Toddler of the Week maybe. But anyway, they already had borders on them and were screaming to be placed somewhere, so I made a little book. And since some of you have asked to see pics of him, here are a few of them. And yes, I’m lame so I just took the pages out of the protective sleeves and took pics of them, since I have no idea how to do the scan thing start to finish without help. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes.. the pics!

Here he is a just a few days old. (this pic has always done weird things to his coloring, but it’s so peaceful and sweet. one of my all time faves)

Showing he can sleep just about anywhere… but of course, that phase is short lived. Look at those chubby cheeks… well those chubby everything!

At the park as a toddler. We had a great park that had plenty of room for moms and dads to climb and walk along with their little ones. Both kids loved it there when they were small!

Smiling on the couch in sister’s hot pink sunglasses. What a mouth full of teeth he seemed to have overnight!

Cute as… a button of course! We got him this little chewy thing one weekend on a trip and he clearly loved it! Kinda reminded us of a dog toy, but that’s neither here nor there at this point. LOL

Chowing on some birthday cake. YUM! I’m thinking that was his first birthday.

Another birthday… dad holding his hands so he didn’t touch the candles! When we’d tell him to ‘blow’, he would put his lower lip out and end up blowing right up his nose! Not so great for blowing out candles!

I love this picture! I can see his pretty face and his chubby little legs and feet. He didn’t like to go barefooted, so I don’t have many pics of his feet. So cute!

Playing outside with big sister, Boo the summer before he got sick.

Oh how I wish we had of been ‘digital’ during those years!

Buzz Lifeyear

We’ve been seeing the ads for Toy Story One AND Two in 3D. We loved TS 1. So much so that we bought it when it came out on video… not dvd….yes girls, that was back in the olden days. And when TS 2 came out, we took one or both of the kids to see it. I can’t even remember at this point. I want to say it was both, but he would have been pretty young at that point.

But whether he saw it at the theater or not, he would become very very familiar with it! It was one of the movies they played constantly on hospital tv. Over and over. Did I mention it played a lot?!

We have many stories about watching this movie. My hubby reminded me of one of them last night. One weekend we were inpatient for chemo and I had gone home for something and they brought him some lunch. It was spaghetti. And he ate it all. That is the only meal he EVER ate at the hospital. And he did it while he watched TS 2.

Another time we were in clinic and it was playing. I was watching this sweet, beautiful, vibrant, teenaged young lady and her mother watching the movie together. It came to the line that says something like “we know who you are, Wooooood-EEEEE” and the mother and daughter were lip syncing that line to each other and giggling. I giggled at/with them and we chatted a bit about watching the movie all. the. time. at the hospital. (This amazing girl lost her battle too. I found out about it on the news and it broke my heart into a million little pieces. I hardly knew them.. just their faces… but that’s just it.. I couldn’t forget her mom’s face.)

And strangely enough, we also chose to watch the movie at home…even when no one was twisting our arm. We just liked it! And Bub especially loved watching it at home because he liked to act out the Buzz Lightyear intro thing near the start of the movie. We tried to get it on video, but were never able to capture it. He would do these little runs up and down the hall and these little body rolls and it was just hilarious! And what made it even funnier was that he called him Buzz LIFEYEAR instead of Lightyear. Cracked us up… in that cute little toddler/preschooler way. I so wish we had that on video now.

To infinity eternity and beyond, sweet boy.

getting it out of the way

I knew this morning that there were things I needed to get done. Things I've been putting off. I had a Chickfila coupon so I went 'out' to breakfast. It was free. : ) And then I came to stare at the calendar and noticed that sticky note I've already moved from 'August' to 'September'.

Take pages of Daddy's book to be redone after school starts.

Well school has started. But I haven't gone to the funeral home. So today I took the pages that were misprinted and got new ones on order. (they give a guest book thing that has his name and dates and funeral service info etc printed in it) And then I asked for a map to find my parents grave sites. I've been there before but knew I didn't have a clue exactly how to find them. So a nice lady came and brought me a map and offered to drive me out there. I told her no thanks and headed out. I found the general area, parked the car and started walking. She showed me how to look for a marker with the name of Sprinkle near the street and then start heading toward a tree and it should be 'right there'. Well, I did everything, but I still couldn't find it. A kind gardener noticed the lost look to my body language and the map I held in my hand and got me pointed in the right direction. Finally found it. Them. The year marker has been screwed into place. So I can check that off my mental list.

I decided since I was already doing fun stuff, I really should change Bub's flowers. They've been there a year and are starting to look kinda sad. So I went to a big chain store and the flowers were too expensive and I couldn't find exactly what I wanted. So I went to another chain store and found something more wonderful for half the price of the other store. AAAAAND.... they had these little butterfly pick things to go in the arrangements... in green no less. So I bought that and some pretty yellow roses. I carefully twisted the wire of the butterfly around the stem of the flowers so it doesn't blow away.

It turned out really pretty. I like the butterfly. He would have too. : )

queso and peppers

Yesterday was a good day. But you won't believe what happened.

My friend wanted to eat at Chili's. I laughed when she told me that, because that was Bub's favorite place to eat. I told her about when we had five day a week chemo all day long, the nurses would come around and take orders from the kids for what they wanted to eat and they'd order it from the hospital. They didn't order anything for the starving parents by the way... I can't count how many days I didn't eat 'lunch' until 3pm! Anyway... they came to Bub and asked him what he wanted to eat and guess what he said!!!

Chips and queso! LOL

I found it sort of ironic that we ended up there on his birthday. But it gets more ironic as we're seated. The waiter explained the Create a Pepper campaign for St. Judes and asked us if we wanted to color a pepper. I thought that started in September. Freaky!

So I sat there sort of stunned for a second and then told him I'd draw a pepper. He brought one for my friend too. So we both colored peppers. I felt weird doing this with my friend... when this is usually something I do with my hubby every year. In a strange way, it felt very personal doing it with someone else. It wasn't my best work, shall we say.

I almost told him no, but then I knew he would try to sell me on it and since I didn't want to go into it with him, I went on ahead and said yes. He scanned my paper... that included a note in memory of him and said that it was his birthday and I drew balloons and stuff like that... and I think the color drained out of his face a little bit. Sometimes they say something when they see it, but this guy didn't say a word. (don't think he was very socially minded anyway just from the small amount of relating we did with him over our order)

Ya know.. in the end, I was just thinking whatever... let me draw it and move on. My friend moved them aside when we finished and we went on with our lunch. Of course, we had a huge list of things we'd been meaning to talk about... I know that's a shocker... two girls... and we gabbed away and had a nice lunch and a nice day.

another birthday

Today is another birthday. He would be another year older.

twelve.

But as I've said before, he is always four to me.

I will spend the day hanging out with a good friend and going out to eat and just being.

The anticipation of these days is sometimes worse than the reality.

We didn't know when we had our little man twelve years ago just how much our lives and our hearts would be changed... and stretched... and broken... and healed in the coming years.

Thank you Jesus for my little sweet one in heaven. I'm so blessed to be his momma.

just the one?

We went to a new Sunday school class yesterday.

My 'from the wall' status was in all its glory. And if I'm from the wall, my hubby is from behind it!

We don't exactly do well in strange social situations.

But I think it went ok.

It was a very small class. So there wasn't a back of the room for us to hide in. Because I asked. There was a huge table.

And we sat at the head of it. great.

But they were very friendly. And since we were the only visitors, they could ask us allll the questions from where we're from to how many children we have.

Just the one? That's the way it worked out. I didn't go into it. I hate to make people feel bad for saying something like just the one?

But sooner or later, I will tell them. I just hate to go into it right off the bat when I meet someone new. It will come up at some point in discussion in class. And that's ok.