drained

Today was the funeral for the little girl with cancer I mentioned Wednesday. This was the only other (child) viewing I've been to other than the one for my own son. It doesn't get any easier. (I've been to one other memorial though, for a friend we met at the hospital. Their son lost his battle too.)

Everything was beautiful and perfect and sweet and loving and just wonderful.

My husband and daughter stayed home because I really didn't think she would of been able to handle it...and she let me know she did NOT want to go.. and I wasn't going to force something like this on her! Now that I've been to this, I *know* she couldn't of handled it. I bumped into a lady I used to work with a zillion years ago and she and I talked and sat together. She is such a sweetie. We talked about this family and about my loss as well. She asked me things most people probably wouldn't even want to discuss. What did my child wear in his casket... stuffed animals etc? So I tearfully, yet with joy at the remembrance of my own child/loss described some detail of our own experience while looking at this little girl, this sleeping beauty. It brought everything back like it was yesterday. The flowers, a song, her protocol described (similar, not exact), pictures of her with a little bald head and what I call 'the chemo look' these kids get sometimes, when their counts are low and their eyes look sad.. on and on.

I am beginning to think I might try to document more details. We never wrote anything down and I didn't blog at that time. We just lived it and that was enough at the time. I don't know who if anybody I'd be writing for, other than myself. But I am thinking I might start doing that soon.

To answer my friend's questions. He wore his favorite pajamas. What do you put a four year old in... a three piece suit??? not! He loved jammies and he and his sister had some of their most fun times running around in their pj's. He held one of his lesser favorite stuffed Beanie Baby kitties. The two favorites are in my china cabinet in the living room. And he also held a blankie. I could part with one.. he had six. lol He looked beautiful. As did she today.

When it was over, I stopped at a park, pulled in under a tree, left the A/C blaring and cried and cried til my whole body hurt. Then dried my face and hands with an already wet Kleenex. For some dumb reason I looked at myself in the mirror. Shouldn't of done that. Any trace of makeup was washed away at that point. Whatever.

I am drained.

probably the day

I knew even driving home from swimming that today was probably going to be the day. The day a little girl we know would lose her battle with neuroblastoma... the same nasty thing that took our son. It felt weird going through the motions of a 'normal' day. Whatever that is. Knowing this day is anything but normal to someone somewhere in a hospital room. Crying over a baby girl that will not grow up. I just want to cry.

This isn't the first time someone we've known about has lost a child since we've lost ours. And it sure doesn't get any easier. It takes me back. To a place I don't really want to be. It makes me remember things a mother doesn't want to remember. Death. Lifelessness. "Making plans". The physical things that 'must' be attended to, while all the while being numb and exhausted.

And now it's another family's pain. A memory for another mother (and father).

I'm thankful we do not grieve without hope. In the midst of death and loss, there is life and hope. I know that can sound shallow, but it isn't. When you muddle through everything else, He is really all we have. He *is* our only Hope.

We must hold on to it, to Him with all we have and all we are!

my purrrty kitty

I went to Petsmart last night on a mission to find some allergy reducer stuff to bathe my kitty with. I couldn't find what I'd seen online so I had to ask the lady to help me. It was sitting right in front of my eyes.

duh.

She asked me if I had ever given my cat a bath before. I paused and sheepishly said "...um, no." The lady got a funny grin on her face. (I guess this is the part where she thinks I'm done for!) She proceeded to tell me what to do and basically wish me luck.

So we bathed her. The hubby was the "hold-er down-er" and I was the "scrubber and dry off-er". I think it went well. No hissing and no biting. But it would be a huge stretch to say she liked it. She spent a good while rearranging her fur after we got finished with the washing, towelling off and brushing.

But she sure is purrrrty!

We want to try this weekly and see if it helps me not feel so sneezey if I've snuggled her too much. But of course, its not like she's begging me to snuggle her anyway. So I guess she's just trying to help me out, isn't she?!

alone

I went out of town Friday morning ALONE to visit my cousin. She lives in a small town and it's just simply fun to be there. I came back late last night.... and by late I mean a little before dark. I am not into being on the road at night... 'ya know... ALONE.

It was wonderful!

We talked constantly. We laughed with each other, at each other and at the dog til we'd laughed waaaay too much. We stayed up late. We remembered stuff long forgotten. We ate homemade food since she likes to play hostess every now and then. We even went to Walmart. (We ran out of Baked Tostitos for the homemade guacamole I brought along for us to munch on!)

It felt like we were both teenagers again in so many ways. It was just an off-the-chart wonderful couple of days and we didn't do anything special. We just enjoyed each other's company.

Smile!

Ta-da!

This is my new IT thing! I've seen them on Food Network....evvvverybody uses one it seems. I finally took the plunge and got a grill pan for myself. At first, I wasn't too sure, but now I love it! We don't even own an outdoor grill. I know.. gasp! We bought one while we were dating and kept it for years, but then when Bub was sick, we weren't very outdoorsy and we were always concerned about GERMS etc.. so our old one got to be in pretty bad shape. We finally let a guy pay us $10 at a garage sale to take it away. A friend of mine bought one that way, and if you know what to do, you can make it new again. That was my hope for our sad old grill. We talk about getting a new one, but until then... I have this to help me out.

I usually mix some olive oil, red wine vinegar or lemon juice and then the herbs of choice and then the chicken. Sooo yummy! The possibilities are ENDLESS! And you get those fancy little lines on the chicken.

Boo wants me to turn the chicken so we get those cross-hatch marks. Sorry, kiddo. Mom's gotta take this one step at at time!

tree limbs and meatloaf

We had a wind storm yesterday. I guess that's what they call it. It went from sunny and hot to dark and a little cooler, but very windy quickly. I turned from the computer in the kitchen.. imagine that... and looked out the dining room window to notice the severe shift in the weather. I immediately turned on tv to see if there were weather bulletins or anything and then continued to watch out the window. One time I heard a snap and a thud and a limb fell across my neighbor's little shed and over the fence into my yard. I wondered if the new renter there has called the owner about what to do about the tree.

I made turkey meatloaf for dinner last night. We usually eat about half of it and I freeze the other half for lunches. Yummy lunches. It freezes well. But last night I had a strong 'urge' to call a friend and see if she and her husband would like it for dinner... since there was about 'that much' left. Anyhoo... I called her and she said to bring it right over. So I put it in freezable, disposable containers and ran out the door.

I didn't stay long. When I got home, my neighbor was in his front yard, so I decided I'd ask him about the limb. He talked to me about the limb and some other things and in the course of the conversation, I learned they just went through something terrible. They are pretty much in shock mode right now and struggling to understand this. There is so much need there.

I came back in the house pleased (??) with myself for listening to His prompting to give away my meatloaf and wanting to pray about this family's problems. But then it hit me.... would I have heard Him had He just said "go outside and talk to your neighbor"? I don't know. It made me sad that I wasn't sure.

I have come a ways with God, but I have a ways to go!

my view

This is my view from the kitchen sink. I like the jar topper with the two mice on it.. it just plain 'ole makes me smile! And don't we all need that when we do the dishes!

I zoomed in so you couldn't see the tomato and apple stickers all piled up. No so cutesy.

I used to have mice evvvverywhere in my house. But I guess I've grown up. I still think they are sooo cute but I refrain. I have one or two more in another place, but like this little display... its small enough to miss. After all, it's just there for me anyway!

anonymity

I've read tons of blog entries... commented on a few... but learned a lot from all of them! One of the things I had to decide when I was thinking about blogging, was names. Would I use our 'real' names or not? I struggled a lot with this issue.

When our son was sick with neuroblastoma, I think someone came in the room at the hospital and offered to help us start a Caringbridge site. At the time, I'd never even heard of one, and the idea of putting all our daily lives 'out there' especially during *this* was beyond me. (kinda funny when I think about that now!) But, I also knew I didn't want our story to become bigger than life and strangers saying and doing things... that just seemed odd to me. We still had issues with this, though. I set up an email list and sent updates that way. And of course, those got forwarded all over creation. There were several incidents that I would have preferred not happened. Nothing bad. Just not what I would of wanted and yet it was out of my control.

So back to the present and my blog... I had to decide if I wanted to put our real names out there. I finally decided after seeing more than one that did NOT put their stuff 'out there' that it could be done without it! So that's what I've opted to do.

Obviously I'm still telling our story and there is personal info here, and if someone who knows me read this, it wouldn't take long to connect the dots, but I still feel.. umm... safer ??? for lack of a better word, for keeping it this way. The names I've chosen are still somehow connected to us. I call our daughter "Boo"... we've called her that periodically all her life, starting when she was a baby and learning to play Peek-A-Boo. So that is a natural outpouring of who she is. Not just something made up. And the same with Bubba. I know that name has a redneck quality to it and sometimes I kinda laugh about that. It evolved to Bubba because when he was born, Boo couldn't say his real name. So we called him Brother and that evolved to Brudder and then on and on to Bubba or Bub.

I guess there really isn't much of a point to this other than the need to explain some things.

her hands

Today we were standing in church singing songs and Boo put her hands on me because she was cold. So I decided to just hold her hands and hug her while we sang. She's getting older but her petite hands feel much the same way they did when she was two or three.

I'm so glad I can hold her hands today. I'm so glad she still wants me to.

The tops of her hands are so soft and fluffy feeling even though my little bean-pole doesn't have an ounce of fat on her. (I would be GLAD to donate!) I was reminded of little Bubba and how I would hold his hands walking down hallways or isles in stores etc and the fluffy feeling on the tops of his hands. (you'd think they were related or something!) I remember knowing I wouldn't get to hold his hands much longer and rubbing them while I held his hands and trying to memorize how that felt. Mmmmm.... I can still remember! : )

I enjoyed rubbing Boo's hands today. She is so special. But she's growing up.... I wonder how much longer she'll let me hold her hands?

more than I want to see

So I'm going to the grocery store this morning. Not my favorite thing to do on a Saturday. Everybody and their brother is there and I just want to get in and out and get it over with. I'm just getting started when I see 'it'. Let's just say this girl in front of me was showing considerably more than any plumber I have EVER seen no matter how heavy the tool belt or the contorted position. And she was just standing there.

Nobody wants to see that.

Honestly, what goes through a girl's head when she's checking herself over in the morning before she heads out the door. "Wow.. I can show about half my rump in this...even more if they're tall... sa-weet!"

probably.

scrambled

Last night I was trying to pray. I couldn't even find the words. My mind was going in a million directions. It felt like everything was scrambled. I couldn't come up with a better word than that. But I am so thankful the Father sees past our scrambling thoughts to the heart and drew me in to His presence to worship and know Him.

He wants me to be still and know Him when I feel like I've got it all together (honestly, is that *ever* the case? lol) and when I'm a mess... especially when I'm a mess!

I'm so thankful He could help me unscramble the issues and thoughts enough so I could actually, really pray this morning. Like 3 somethin' this morning. The cat woke me up. I could of been pretty miffed about the whole thing, but I decided instead to be with Him. He drew me to pray. He drew me to read some blogs, too. So thanks ladies! Some of you said the very thing that was on my heart.

How long 'til nap time?

what's in a name?

Without further ado... here is our crazy, lazy cat, Annabelle. Excuse the unmade bed. She was curled up on the Boo's bed and I just had to snap a shot of her. Just too cute with the stuffed kitty next to her like that.

We named her Annabelle because she was the most beautiful kitten we had ever seen and we thought she deserved a beautiful name. So Annabelle it was! She's acquired several nicknames over the years... Stinkerbell (my personal favorite), Annasmell (She doesn't smell. It's just funny), Smellybelly, AB, Dumb Cat and the ever popular... Cat. Witty, huh?!

We got her for our daughter, Boo and she was supposed to be HER cat. But she decided she liked my husband the best. She attacks me for walking across the room and merely tolerates the Boo. Poor Boo. But we still love her to death. She's so cute we just want to smoosh her to pieces sometimes.

She's so not into that! Sometimes a (nick) name can be very telling!

how exciting

I'm so excited today I just about died! I had a comment on my blog! I blogged a little while before I commented anywhere and it's exciting when comments come in! I couldn't wait to read it and had to figure out how 'this part' works since I haven't had to fiddle with that yet. But its all fun! And thanks for the compliment on my header. It was pretty easy... well it was easy since I have a techy hubby to help me when I got stuck. I used Scrapbook Factory Deluxe. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted and didn't want to pay for something and then decide I didn't like it when I can mess with it for free. I've had this program several years and not done a thing with it, so older versions might even be on clearance somewhere.

The Boo and I went shopping for fabric for 'our' first sewing project together. It's kitty fabric of course. Too cute. It's in the wash. I think we may work on it tomorrow. It's been kinda fun spending time with her on little outings etc without all the pressure of fussing over homework and school stuff. I'm enjoying just being us for a little while.

the only one left

The Boo and I got out a little bit today. It was mostly window shopping. But we noticed a new store that seems to be catered to little girls younger than mine. Boo wanted to go check it out and since I didn't know what it was, I obliged. Some of it looked cute and fun.. but then there was this definite 'diva atmosphere' with makeovers and customized lotions and lip glosses the girls can create themselves. By the time we left, I was kinda sick to my stomach. What happened to little girls being little girls and wanting to be little and wear cute little girl clothes and just BE???

It's gone.

We were walking through Walmart the other day and a little bitty girl of maybe 4 was walking around with one of those cards that plays music... it was opened right next to her ear and some Hannah Montana song was blaring out of it! I just about died! She is four, people!

Anyway.... back to the window shopping.... Boo found a dress she wanted at a girl's shop at the mall. We had to decide if we wanted it to be a little tight... or a little low cut. If you get the smaller size, its close fitting.. but the bigger one swoops down in the front. The lady that works there kind of chuckled when I told her Boo is modest. I went on to tell her I was teaching her to be modest and not 'put her business out there' for everybody. I also told her I get tired of bringing her into stores like this.. or any store that carries clothes in girls sizes... and having to tell my daughter she can't get the shirt because you can't wear a bra with it! More smiles and strange looks. We took the smaller size. At least she was covered up and it passed the leaning-over-to-pick-up-your-Bible-on-the-floor test!

Some days I feel like the only one left!

a celebration

I went to a celebration for my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary today. They live in Small Town, Texas and its always fun to visit. I was born there but we moved away shortly after, so my only memories of this town are visits to this aunt and uncle and two cousins and my grandparents, Mamaw and Papaw.

We arrived and I immediately started hunting for my cousin. She and I have always been pretty close. I think we love each other like sisters. We love being together.... whether we're doing something or nothing. Its still fun, because we're doing it together. I found her in the kitchen making punch and I asked her where I could hide my purse so I wouldn't have to hold it for two hours. She told me I could put it 'anywhere.. how about over there with mine. This isn't Big City, Texas, where YOU live'. I laughed. And put my purse 'over there'.

I enjoyed seeing people I hadn't seen in years. And then there were the faces I missed. The ones that aren't with us any longer. Time has gone on. People can't believe I'm grown. They can't believe I have a teenaged daughter. I look into their eyes and faces and try to recall exactly who this is.. retracing my memory of family reunions hoping to remember who this person looks like.. only an older version. Sometimes I was successful. Other times I was not. Thankfully, Cousin saved the day. I asked her several times who this one or that one was and finally put the pieces together of 'my' family tree.

I don't have to be there very long for my pronunciations to change. It happens every time. I can hear it. I like it. Why don't people in Big City, Texas talk like that? So many are trying to be 'big city' and it shows. I guess I am 'big city' since its where I live. But I liked visiting Small Town where nobody laughs or makes a joke when I say something 'that way' because that's the way they say it too! I like that. It's comforting and unpretentious.

We had a nice visit and all too soon it was time to go home. Back to Big City, Texas. I found my purse right where I left it and I headed for home. I miss Small Town, Texas.