drained

Today was the funeral for the little girl with cancer I mentioned Wednesday. This was the only other (child) viewing I've been to other than the one for my own son. It doesn't get any easier. (I've been to one other memorial though, for a friend we met at the hospital. Their son lost his battle too.)

Everything was beautiful and perfect and sweet and loving and just wonderful.

My husband and daughter stayed home because I really didn't think she would of been able to handle it...and she let me know she did NOT want to go.. and I wasn't going to force something like this on her! Now that I've been to this, I *know* she couldn't of handled it. I bumped into a lady I used to work with a zillion years ago and she and I talked and sat together. She is such a sweetie. We talked about this family and about my loss as well. She asked me things most people probably wouldn't even want to discuss. What did my child wear in his casket... stuffed animals etc? So I tearfully, yet with joy at the remembrance of my own child/loss described some detail of our own experience while looking at this little girl, this sleeping beauty. It brought everything back like it was yesterday. The flowers, a song, her protocol described (similar, not exact), pictures of her with a little bald head and what I call 'the chemo look' these kids get sometimes, when their counts are low and their eyes look sad.. on and on.

I am beginning to think I might try to document more details. We never wrote anything down and I didn't blog at that time. We just lived it and that was enough at the time. I don't know who if anybody I'd be writing for, other than myself. But I am thinking I might start doing that soon.

To answer my friend's questions. He wore his favorite pajamas. What do you put a four year old in... a three piece suit??? not! He loved jammies and he and his sister had some of their most fun times running around in their pj's. He held one of his lesser favorite stuffed Beanie Baby kitties. The two favorites are in my china cabinet in the living room. And he also held a blankie. I could part with one.. he had six. lol He looked beautiful. As did she today.

When it was over, I stopped at a park, pulled in under a tree, left the A/C blaring and cried and cried til my whole body hurt. Then dried my face and hands with an already wet Kleenex. For some dumb reason I looked at myself in the mirror. Shouldn't of done that. Any trace of makeup was washed away at that point. Whatever.

I am drained.