perspective

There has been a lot going on lately at Chateau Notes. Life happens. And sometimes it is messy and hard. (we are fine...just normal stuff)

Recently we purchased new floors. Buy buy Bye-bye carpet and hello looks like wood vinyl planks. (Cali Bamboo LVP). I chose Cali because they are a pretty clean product with ultra low VOCs and that is important to me. But what an ordeal!

We spent about two weeks moving as much as we could to our dining room and kitchen..and even our extra bathtub..stack stack stack. It was crazy. But our installer called us dream clients because we did so much of the work for him. :) They ripped out all the old carpet..dust dust dust flying everywhere. GROSS. And they got busy installing our new floors. It took three days. We stayed two nights in a hotel.

And then we came home to a dusty dirty post reno MESS. But I couldn't get the floors looking clean. Major struggle bus. I think I figured out my problem today and used a different cleaner and they seem much prettier today..but its cloudy and dark out and I need a sunny day to know for sure.

But this whole thing along with a few other things going on, had me flaring with my breathing problems and just generally annoyed at life. Sometimes the everyday funk just gets me down, ya know?

I was scrolling and generally feeling sorry for myself when I stumbled upon a video from a local news personality. I knew she had breast cancer just three years ago. And then had a handful of 'state of the art' surgeries to rebuild her chest. Her latest video was announcing that she had metastatic breast cancer.  Her clock is ticking.

Y'all.

I had to stop and pray. And thank God that I feel great and can do things like left heavy furniture and boxes and that I'm dealing with everyday life..and not dealing with mortality.

It's hard to get flustered about smudges on floors when I could be fighting even harder for my life than I currently do.

So today I mopped my floors..again...with a new perspective. And Hope that goes beyond a better floor cleaner. 

Romans 15:13 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (italics mine)

going to the place to do the thing

***This is a rant...you've been warned. lol***

I have been getting phone calls from the funeral home that did Landon's 'stuff'.  It had always gone to the machine because I wasn't home. And I never called them back.

Well, a few days ago they caught me. Drats! Seems they have new owners now and they wanted me to come by and check on my paperwork and make sure their info is correct bla bla bla. I asked how long it was going to take and they assured me that if I didn't have any questions, it would not take very long. So I made the appointment at a time that I could squeeze it in 'just to run by there and get it done'. Whatever 'IT' was.

Well...I arrived for my appointment a few minutes late. I had to run by the vet to get some stuff for the cat (we think she has cancer..she's 14..it sucks but it is what it is..she's an old cat. Anyhoo..) I walked in the door and my eyes immediately went down the long corridor to the door we walked through to see our baby's little empty shell for the last times.

And lost it. Nice. : /

So I am quietly trying to pull it together, Gertrude and this older lady asked me why I was there and offered to escort me to a small room to wait. She was nice and is very good at handing out condolences so she pretty much insisted on giving me a hug while I am doing all the sucking it up I can get ahold of.

Well...I know..lots of well..a lady and a man came in. Double teamed. Fun. And they chatted a little bit about the plots we own bla bla bla. They also chatted me up about Landon and commented on his stone etc (honestly I was surprised they knew what was on it!)  and I think that helped them have an idea of what all we went through before they ever talked to me. It was sweet but hard talking to them. But really their intent for about 99 percent of the visit was pre-need. Y'all. I was so not prepared for any of that. I wish they had been more honest about their entire intent for the visit. But I guess if they did that, they would have very few people go through the door. But UGH. It took an hour!

So much info and so much to think about. On top of the emotions and the every day stress of being in remission. I didn't say a word about that..they would have been all over it and had me dead and in the ground before I could sign my name. LOL

I finally made it home around 2pm and dumped some veggies and fruit in the Vitamix and dumped a smoothie in an old Nutribullet cup with a lid and ran out the door to pick up someone.

Some days adulting is just hard. 

***end of rant..thank you for listening, my friends!***

Hello, amazon prime? I need boobs.

So..my fake boobs wore out. Yep. I didn't even know that was a thing.  But now I know.

It's a thing. A real thing.

I noticed a bit of cloudiness in the same corner of each one just the other day, and thought to myself that their days were numbered. And then I quickly dressed one day and washed the girls to put them on later in the morning. Which meant I was wearing my glasses.

Well. They weren't just having a little trouble. They were in full on failure. As in I could touch silicone. Y'all..I just wasn't ready for that.

I looked at my flat self in the mirror and started making calls.

I needed a scrip to get them paid for by my insurance. (they aren't cheap and we finally met our deductible..so I know for doggone sure I would like somebody else to pay for it) And there aren't very many days left for that this year. And I called the boob store and they had to order them. Where is an off the rack 'rack' when I need it? Sigh.

Oh well. It will be ok. They will be in before the end of the year and hopefully they are compatible with the brand I was currently using. Nothing is simple, folks. I told my hubby tonight that if it weren't for insurance and all that jazz, I wish we had just overnighted them from amazon or something.

Because I hate to say it, but it's been hard. As in depressing. Very depressing. I hate the way I look flat. I was busty before my surgery and my new girls were cute and perky and just right for my small frame. And now..nothing.

I dread going out the door and people looking at me. Never mind I went around for about seven months like this after surgery. But I guess I was psyched up for that. This came out of the blue and it has taken me by surprise.

Cancer steals so much. And now it's getting another laugh at my expense. I know I am more than the sum of my parts. I get that. But I also get it that I just want to fit in and not be self conscious.

My girl and I even tried to make a temporary set yesterday. That didn't work. I have been looking up crochet patterns to see if we can find something simple enough for her to make (since that is a new hobby of hers).

So yeah..Flat Stanley's very flat sister is on the loose this holiday season. Merry Christmas y'all. : )

the root of all sorts of evil

I got a root canal when the girl was in middle school. It never gave me any problems after that (or so I thought) and I never thought another thing of it.

Until I started reading about health. And guess what kept coming up again and again? Root canals! And just how awful they are for your health. Many in the natural cancer treatment community believe root canals are a major contributor.

Well..not good news for me to hear. So I started researching holistic and naturopathic dentists.  And finally I found one that didn't act like I was crazy for wanting to get a root canal OUT rather than putting one in.

So yesterday I got it out. I love this dentist. I think I will be using him for everything (for me) now. But back to 'the story'...he was very kind and listened to my concerns about my tooth and how that I wanted to get it removed. He agreed that we could go ahead and get that thing out. In the back of my mind I kept thinking that I was going to feel real silly if he pulled that thing out and it was 'perfectly fine'. I knew he would be rolling his eyes and I would feel like I had caused myself a lot of pain 'for nothing'.

Long story longer..he pulled my tooth. Oh my word. It was a bit dramatic. He had a hard time getting the crown off and I found myself wishing for knock out drugs about three minutes into the fierce tugging and stretching of the corners of my mouth to get his horrible instrument 'all the way back there' to get it out. But finally he got the crown cover and then the tooth out. Then came the scraping. By this time my brain had calmed down and the mouth stretching wasn't as severe so I 'relaxed' and he finished up the job.

And then he sat back and took of his face gear and told me the story. He said it was a super good thing that I had it removed because it was full of infection! None of it showed up on xrays etc. Remember, I wasn't having any 'problems' with it. He said it certainly wasn't a wasted effort on my part to get this thing out.

So here I sit today. Recovering. I actually feel pretty good. Last night, not so much. I took three Advils twice yesterday but haven't needed anything today. I have a chipmunk cheek on one side, my cheek is sore to the touch and the corner of my lip was stretched enough to crack. That is actually the most sore part right now.  He gave me aloe vera gel to put on the tooth area, arnica cream for the TMJ area of my jawline externally and a scrip for heavy duty pain meds that I haven't needed. I feel half way decent, given the circumstances.

Now for the interesting part..the tooth that I had removed was #2. There is a thing called a meridian chart that shows how each tooth corresponds to a part of the body. Guess which part of the body #2 corresponds to...my right breast. I will only give you one chance to guess where my BC was. Yep! When I figured all of that out, it sent chills down my spine.  And I am so thankful to get it out.

Mainstream doctors annoy me so much! Nothing they do is in unison with the rest of the body in their world but it is. And I think my root canal is proof of that.

So...my .02...think twice about that root canal. It could do more harm than good.

Further reading about the dangers of root canals here, here and here.  And those are just quick links I grabbed. There is a ton of info out there. Just don't ask a regular dentist. ; )

the nip story

I read a local news story today about tattooing new nipples on women that have undergone reconstruction surgery. And it just got me to thinking.

Most of the time I don't miss them. And other times I do. It's not a lot of fun to lose a lot of weight but then wait to put on clothes to see how ya look. I try hard not to look in the mirror while dressing etc. It's amazing how much I can avoid seeing even though I'm standing right in front of my reflection.

It's easier that way.

I read the story but the video wouldn't work. Someone in the comments mentioned a 'famous' tattoo artist that only does these types of tats now. And it's called....getting a vinny. So I googled it. And I was amazed. Not that I try to stare at nipples all the time. I spent my whole life trying not to look cold, if ya know what I mean. I read stories about him and watched several news pieces about him.

And I cried.

I miss me. The old me. The whole me. The girl that didn't have to get her girls out of a box. And order bras off Amazon. I still don't think I would reconstruct. It just doesn't seem to fit with other goals I have for myself. It's a very personal decision. One that any woman facing this has to make for herself. There are times I wonder if I will change my mind on the issue. Just. Don't. Know.

But I do know that wholeness isn't measured by whether I have breasts or nipples. It's measured by who I am inside.

Maybe I should get *that* tattooed on me.  : )

Edited to add...no tats for me. It's the thought that counts.  : )

follow up or p.s. or something

As a follow up to my last post, I thought I would let y'all in on what's happened since....in the bra department. So..I got 'fitted' for a new ("leisure") bra at the bra store. I also asked them to tell me the name of the SECOND bra I ever ordered from them, which is beige. It is also the third bra I ordered from them because I ordered another one when I saw how well it fit. This is the same bra that I could never get a clear answer from in the past about whether it was discontinued or they just wouldn't or couldn't get it anymore. Well, the girl gave me the name and code etc of the bra. I come home and pull my first white bra out of the closet to check the tag. THIS is the bra she gave me the info on. I have to say I was pretty furious. It just made. me.  mad. I felt like I was back at square one. I didn't call the store because frankly I just didn't want to talk to them.

I had been lamenting all of this to my friend Amy (at Wade's World...I would add a link but I got a new computer..an Apple..and I don't know how to do that yet..duh) and she suggested looking on Amazon. So I had been browsing and found a few that I had tried on in the store and a few that looked like they might be possibilities etc. But my eye kept coming back to this one certain one. So much so that I jumped out of bed..yes I shop for bras with my ipod in bed...and grabbed one of my favorite old beige bras so I could compare. The more I compared the more excited I got. And then I went and grabbed a magnifying glass. Cuz I'm an old lady. ; ) And could barely make out the faded style number on the tag...and it matched the one on Amazon. I was elated!

I ordered three the very next morning. They are exactly the same as the ones I loved from the bra store and they fit perfectly. And under any shirt, thankyouverymuch.

This whole thing has left an even worse taste in my mouth for the bra store. Because I have asked specifically about this bra at several fittings and have felt like I was getting the run around about it. I've been in sales, so I understand that if you can't get something, you try to steer your client toward something you CAN get. But at the same time, when we've tried on bra after bra and I've left the store empty handed and upset...or wearing something they know is ill fitting...you'd think they would care more about making somebody happy and creating a positive experience for the client, rather than just the bottom line.

 But I did order a leisure bra, as they call it, and it arrived. I got them the day before the good bras came in the mail from Amazon.  But frankly it's not all that comfortable. It creeps up which drives me out of my mind. Short trip. Those will do for back up and just to give my chest a rest but they are by far, not the most comfortable just because it moves around a bit and there is more fabric, which is frankly HOT in the summer. And since it's cotton, it kind of sticks to my clothes and makes me have to adjust my clothes a lot. bleh.

So where does this leave me? Well, I have three new bras that fit and look great...no thanks to the bra store. I thought about complaining to them, but opted not to say anything. I will continue to use the bra store from time to time and I really need a working relationship with them.

So as the popular song says, I just...let it go. : )

a crabby patty kinda day

I don't even know where to start. I guess I could first say 'hi'. And I've missed you all. I miss blogging but at the same time, I draw a blank often times when I sit down to write. Or I think of plenty to write while on the walking track at the gym but have little time to devote to my topic of the day. 

Anyway, here I am. And I think it's good to say "I'm fine". Really I am. 

But some days just kick me in the teeth and make me wonder why I didn't cry 'uncle' long before now. 

There's a lot going on...my hormones are all out of whack, which is to be expected. But they got a little more whacked out. And I really (really!) need some estrogen but I'm afraid to take some. Two doctors have proposed what they say is a safe way for me to get a little boost, but they don't agree on what is best. So I am stranded somewhere in the middle. 

I've about decided to take door number three. Which is do nothing, (which was a viable option when I talked to the nurse practitioner at my gyn's office) and wait for my body to sort of repair itself and bounce back. All the while feeling like I have a yeast infection. 

You're welcome for the fun times imagery there. : ) 

So there is that. It's been an ongoing thing for about three months now, healing what *was* a yeast infection and now just being really messed up. Down there. Wink wink. So it's come down to this...and which door to walk through. And all of them except do nothing carry some risk. But offer the most immediate healing. Ugh. Not an enviable position to be in. 

And then I went bra shopping today. Not fun. They stopped carrying the brand that kinda fits me. I tried on a hand full of bras...all the ones the shop carried...and none of them fit. I ended up buying (well my insurance did) what they call a leisure bra. Nice for Sunday afternoons or stay at home days. Looks way better under my clothes than some of the regular support bras she tried to sell me on.

I always wear a really simple top when I go try on, so I can slip my top back on and get an idea of what the bra looks like with clothes. I was shocked at how horrible they all looked. Very lumpy and bizarre. When I commented on how bad it looked under my clothes, she said "well if you're going to wear a shirt like THAT'. ??? My wardrobe is already drastically reduced because of all of this...I just couldn't stand to be told that I couldn't even wear a basic top. 

Adulthood? None of this was in the brochure. 

We are having salmon croquettes for dinner. Or as we like to call them, crabby patties. Today it's appropriate. ; )  Thanks for listening to me fuss and complain chronicle my 'journey'...some days it feels like smooth sailing and other days I feel like I've been pushed off a cliff. But I guess it's all a part of the trip.

Hugs and love, my friends. : ) 

12 years

Twelve years ago tonight, we kissed our little guy goodnight for the last time. He woke up in the arms of Jesus early in the morning.

It still hurts. A part of my heart still swells with ache when I recall those last days and the days following. And yet now as the years have gone by, it seems more settled. Less of a piercing and more of just an ache.

But still an ache.

The hurt is less extreme. There was less dread this year. I know part of the reason for that is that I now live in the shadow of not just what this awful disease has done to another person, but what it can do to me. And I to live every day with the realization that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow.

And yet if we are His, we are guaranteed more than a tomorrow…we know He’s made a way for our eternity. So thankful for that.

Hugs and love to you, sweet one. We do still miss you and wonder all the what if’s. But we are thankful there is one thing we don’t have to wonder about. Your forever.

Love, Mommy

some stress

Last week was a super stressful week. Last weekend, I had been noticing that the cat wasn’t eating very well. Monday I took her to the vet. She did blood work on her and I got the results Tuesday.

She’s in kidney failure. Y’all, I cried and cried. I know she’s a pistol, but I love her, as crazy as that sounds.

So we were in and out of the clinic last week giving her fluids and some new meds and foods and we’re hoping she turns a corner. It’s possible she can sort of snap out of this and have some good months and be maintained for a time. We even learned how to give her fluids here at home after getting a couple of lessons from the vet’s office. Yesterday I’m thankful to say, we were able to do it here at home instead of having to load her up and take her somewhere. Hoping we are successful again today.

Been private messaging my cousin (who is an emergency vet, but not AB’s vet) to get advice over the weekend as we keep watching her. She got a push of antibiotics in her fluids on Friday and she’s hardly eaten since. Ugh. Not sure if it’s the antibiotics or something else, but her not eating is worrisome.

We will recheck her levels in another week or so after (hopefully) doing fluids every day and see where things are. We are hoping she’s bounced back a bit and her kidneys start doing better, which is possible. If they aren’t, then we will be having to explore…ya know. And that makes all of us very sad to think about.

And Wednesday I had an onc appointment right in the smack middle of everything else. I had to have a bone density test before my appointment. And I found out Wednesday that I am in the beginning stages of osteoporosis…fancy word for it is something like osteopenia or something like that. So I will be having to order something called Grow Bone from Amazon which is cheapest, because it’s pretty expensive stuff. And take it for a year. Sigh….

I just gave the kitty some wet food, which she usually doesn’t really care for…and she’s been in there licking at it, so I hope she’s making a bit of a dent in it. Unfortunately it doesn’t have any of her “sprinkles” (meds we now have to add to her food because of her kidneys) because she won’t eat the wet food WITH sprinkles. Bleh…it’s never easy.

Hoping things turn around for our kitty. We are all pretty sad right now.

Both these girls have aged a bit since this was taken, but it’s still one of my favorite pics of them together. : )

hot….not in a good way ; )

I wish I had one of those little gun things that you point at a surface and it tells you it’s temp.

I’d like to point it at my scar area under my bra after I do cardio.

Cuz it’s hotter than the blazes in there.

I keep thinking about inventing a small ice pack that can go behind the foobs to cool things to heck down in there.

It’s gonna be a long summer. *fanning hopelessly…*

of bras and boobs

I had been putting off buying more bras. I knew after six months, I was eligible for two new ones. But what a hassle. And since I hadn’t been wearing them full time that long when six months rolled around, I just punted on the whole thing.

And then I decided it was time.

So I called the survivor chick place I go to and asked (praying inside for a miracle) if they still carried my favorite bra. It was a no. : ( So I had to make an appointment, come in and be refitted.

The place is super nice and very private and the girls there are great. And the experience itself is a positive one. The girl that helps me usually is a survivor herself and super patient.

We tried on and tried on. I finally asked her if I won the prize for the most try-ons.  But of course, I had not. It just felt like it. And her comment was that some girls find something that works right away. And it takes a little more work for others to find the perfect fit. And I guess I fit in the later category since my perfect bra is no longer made. (insert loud cries and pouts here)

We finally found a bra that sort of fit but it wasn’t in my size. So they ordered me one up and yesterday I went to try it on. It was a sports bra and seemed to support the foobs pretty well. And it didn’t have seams going across the bust. I HATE bras that have weird seams that seem to shine like a beacon in the night under my tops. Nothing like having my clothes shout out…lookie at the foobs. Notice anything weird? That’s exactly how some bras made me feel. Like extra attention was being drawn to the ladies than is normal or necessary. The foobs and I, we just wanna blend in, I tell ya.

So back to the sports bra. I bought it. And then tried it on again when I got home. And noticed something that bothered me ever so slightly. My foobs seemed not quite so cutely shaped, a little smashed and didn’t seem to stick out quite as far as with my other regular bras. And frankly, it ticked me off a little bit. When trying on bras, I am not wearing a top and after trying on so many, it seemed like a victory to find anything that came close to fitting. Without having weird seams. And it was super comfortable which was a major coup.  I tried it on for the girl and put my top back on and asked her if she noticed anything different in the foobial area. And she said they seemed a little smaller. BUMMER. I guess it’s not enough that I went from a D in real life to a B (which was my choice, I know), but now to be told they seem even smaller. It was almost too much to take. I did show and tell with the hubs last night and he couldn’t tell. But then again, the house could be sitting in smoldering ashes and he still wouldn’t be sure if he smelled smoke. He’s not always very perceptive, if ya know what I mean. But it’s bought and it’s mine, so that’s that. I know I will wear it and probably be ok with it. But I am just a little bummed about the fit.

And with the bra, I also bought a cami that is pretty cool. My foobs fit inside it so all I have are the two spaghetti straps on my shoulders. It’s very freeing to wear it. The scoop of the neck is bordering on being in the danger zone, but I finally decided to heck with it, I am just going to wear it. If some weird perv is so concerned with my anatomy, then he needs a lesson in eyes up here, eyes up here. So I went with it. I hope I am happy with it when I actually wear it, ya know…out.

So I am a bit pouty about this whole bra thing. This whole fiasco has just gotten under my skin a little bit.

No real point or fancy bow tie of an end to this post. I just needed to fuss. Thanks for listening. : )

shorts thoughts on random stuff

We are finally getting a little cold snap. I think it was supposed to be around 32 this morning. A couple of days ago I was wearing shorts. Such is the way of fall and winter in Texas. I uncovered my arms this morning and noticed the chill in the house, but it wasn’t until I got up that the funny thought hit me. If I had nipples boobs, they would be pointy this morning. I was cold.

The other day I was shopping around for bras for my girl and I had a random thought. I hoped nobody asked if they could help me because I feared I would give them a minutes long diatribe about how *I* get my bras at the hospital because I’ve had a double mastectomy, thankyouverymuch. But of course, nobody actually helps in department stores these days, so I think I’m pretty safe.

The girl and I are both PMS’ing at the same time. I wonder if we should wear special tee shirts or post a flag out doors…or at least text the hubs to warn him.

Fun times…hope you have a great day! : )

such a long day

Yesterday was such a long day. It doesn’t help that it started at 5am when I woke up and couldn’t fall back to sleep. UGH.

I got up and got it together because I was expecting a crew to work in my back yard. After all the drama we’ve had and all the “we were going to move but we never found a house and now we’re sort of thankful because our needs are different now than they were a year and half ago” stuff, we are getting a new fence. We have had issues with unwanted (bad) dogs getting into our yard for a couple of years. And little more than small patch jobs after the fact. We realized we are going to have to shoulder the responsibility of redoing an entire wall of fence…and pay for it. Not cheap! 

We haven’t used our yard in two years. Let that one sink in. Two years that we have felt like prisoners in our own home.

So after all the waiting and the bids and what not, we finally found somebody to come and do the fence. A metal SOLID fence that is 7 feet above the ground and one foot below. The dogs are diggers (bored most of the time). That should fix their little red wagons, as my parents used to say.

They arrived and started working and then I headed to ‘the big city’ for my onc appointment. 40 miles one way. They were busier than usual and I had to wait a while but that was ok. He was a sweetie as usual and finally I was on the road for home…so tired and sleepy at this point. It was after 1pm when I got home, and I still needed to eat. So I threw my lunch together. And then went to the gym. Did I mention that I was wiped out? But I still managed to do my usual cardio. It felt good and then I crashed in the car and felt so tired I couldn’t move. And then I came home and made dinner. Last night was one of those nights that ‘in the olden days’ I would have called and told the hubs he needed to bring home take out. But I can cook healthier than that, so I persevered.

The only thing keeping me going was knowing I could go to bed soon. And then I went to bed and finally fell asleep. Only to wake up at 3am this morning and not be able to fall back asleep. I finally did get in another nap before time to wake up ‘for good’. Now I’m waiting for the fence guys to come again to bury the posts and dig the trench. And tomorrow, they install the actual fence and we will be able to use the yard again.

I am already asking for a yard swing for our swing set. And some twinkle lights for the patio. We might even be able to take our new-ish camera outside and get a little practice with it.

Vitamin D not from a bottle, here I come. : )

Is it nap time yet? 

birthdays…his and mine

There were two birthdays last week. One to celebrate a 15th year that he never saw.

And another to celebrate my birthday, two days later. And I ain’t tellin’ how many 47 birthdays I’ve seen. ; )

I thought about letting Landon’s birthday pass without a word on the blog. When the day rolled around, I was busy thinking other thoughts intermingled with many thoughts of him. We went to Chili’s. We colored a pepper. I wrote on it about watching kids his age going to high school. And yet he is still four. It’s a strange life.

I am thankful for all his birthdays and thankful I could be his mommy here on earth, even if it was only for four years. And many more in heaven…I still wouldn’t trade it.

And then two days later, my birthday rolled around. Not much fanfare which is the usual for us. And that’s ok. But the mixture of his birthday and then mine and all that’s happened in the past year along with thoughts of my one year cancer-versary (coming up in about a month) left me in a very pensive mood.

So even though I was posting vacation pics last week, very often my thoughts and heart were far away…and not in Colorado.

I have felt the usual cloak of sadness creep in during this time of year, but there is this added layer this year. I will be honest here and say that there are fearful moments for me. What if’s hang heavy over me sometimes.

But I was reading in Hebrews today and I love it when I read a verse I’ve read over and over and He brings it to life again and gives it fresh beauty.

Hebrews 4:16 “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” NASB

Chapter 4 is talking about finding rest, and I think often we tend to think about ‘rest’ meaning when we die…RIP sort of thing. But the writer is talking about finding rest now. So thankful that even in the midst of living here, we can draw near to the throne of grace…aren’t those beautiful words???..and receive mercy and find grace…aren’t those things we look for all the time, even in things that won’t satisfy??? So thankful that when we do, He will help us in our time of need, which hello, is all the time.

Always so thankful when I read something I’ve read before…underlined even…and hear a word for today…right now…in them.

Hugs and love, my friends. : )

reading the book

It’s no secret that I’ve been down in the dumps lately. Not at all.

I know I have so much to be thankful for, and yet my heart aches for reasons unknown to me.

So I did what I have done in years past. I went searching for something to sooth my soul. I found a book that sounds very good. I searched online to see if I could pick it up at my local Christian book store. I wasn’t sure from the website. So I thought perhaps I could call and see if they had it in stock.

I’m all about instant gratification, so things like this, even though petty, really bug me.

But before I could pick up the phone or whip out my credit card, something stopped me.

I didn’t need another book to read.

I already have a Book to read.

And the one who wrote it thinks I am precious and had me on His heart when He penned it.

What better Book for me to read when my heart is crying out for something.

Something that only He can fill.

Disclaimer…I don’t have a problem with books. I love books and know they can be very helpful in our walk with God. But for me, for this moment, another book isn’t what I need. I need Him.

in a funk

So last night, I cried myself to sleep. And I don’t even know why.

As I mentioned in my last post, we would really like to just get in the van and GO. Get out of here and be somewhere else and enjoy some down time. But as I said, we have no idea where we would like to go. It’s a bummer.

But I think the real crux of it is some sort of strange let down reflex after going through dealing with those little bumps. And not really knowing what was going on there for a little bit. Both my doctors were confident that I was dealing with scar tissue. But in the end, both of them felt it best to get them removed. But it was a lot of here there and everywhere and then surgery…very minor, but still surgery…and then sitting in the recovery room and hearing my nurse tell somebody that she’s the girl that ‘just’ had some scar tissue removed. THAT is how I found out that all was well. Weird. Yes, I had asked for my husband, but I was feeling a little weird so they waited for me to feel a little better to let him come in. I hate that.

So maybe that is why I cried myself to sleep. Just a release from everything that has happened. But I know there is a frustrated-ness too. We have had a pretty bummer few months and now things are good. And yet our routine is just so monotonous at times. And unlike my sweet friend Karen who commented that summer has not arrived in the pacific northwest, there is no doubt that summer has arrived here. It’s been over a hundred for the last several days. Just going outside takes my breath away and makes my skin burn. So the thought of a ‘stay-cation’ kind of makes me laugh. Or melt.

I know that our trip to Tennessee last year was a gift. It was beautiful there and we thoroughly enjoyed the low key trip (but we don’t want to go back). It was a great trip to have fresh on my memory as we dove into dealing with my health for a bit. And now I guess I’m just searching for the next gift after the past few months of rough stuff we’ve dealt with. A fitting bookend to all that has happened, if you will.

a week ago today…

…I got my stitches out. I left to buy groceries earlier that day and when I got home, there was a car in the driveway. We expected company, I just didn’t know what time.

So I had to cross the awkward bridge before I was even in the door. 

The awkward you’re flat. And later you won’t be awkward.

But it went ok. I think it was me more than anybody else, so I guess it was good I had to dive in feet first so to speak. And sort of get it out of the way.

I have been able to jump right in to wearing my foobs again, pretty much full time. I am so thankful for that! : )

We are in discussions right now as to where we would like to go on vacation. We’ve toyed with different parts of Colorado. Thoughts? Anyone…anyone. Bueller. (sorry, couldn’t resist!)

It’s nice to be able to think about something like a vacation after getting all that other stuff over with. I just wish we could come up with something.

Ideas are welcome. : )

a little walk

I went for a little walk today. Hardest walk since my surgery. I did some pretty good cardio on the treadmill. I did almost 2 miles in about 28  minutes.

Woot.

Nevermind that I had to stop right in the middle of my cool down because my asthma was bothering me. At least it started bothering me at the end, instead of at the beginning. Moving on..

I usually walk on a track (indoors). But they were having a basketball camp down below in the gym. (I walk in a church wellness center.) So I chose to go to the work out room and use a machine rather than subject myself to dribbledribbledribbledribble. You get the picture.

And it was good. I didn’t do my normal cardio, which is a specific routine created for me by my personal trainer. So I plopped my ear buds in and enjoyed some Chris Tomlin. One line that stuck out to me today was “You take the pieces and turns them to praises…”. I love that! Because it’s so true. I don’t have anything of value to offer God or do for Him that makes me worthy of anything. I’m truly nothing. A speck on a speck, if you will. But He can take the pieces of my life…the things that are hard (including what happened to Landon and my current health issues)…the things that don’t even make sense to me or are too hard to even understand and recreate me into something that can see His work in the midst of it all. And turn them to praises. So true. If we will let it be so.

Love!

If the video doesn’t work, here is the link.

a bump in the road

Benign. I will start my story with that word and move on from there. I hate it when someone writes a post that has me worried and I struggle to quickly scan to see if the person is ok and miss most of their content because I am looking for the answer.

So I’ll start with the answer…it’s benign.

The other day I felt two strange bumps on my chest, right beside one of my scars. I know! Not the sort of thing a sort of girl like me wanted to feel.

I went to my onc, and he didn’t seem too worried about it. At first, he thought I should just watch it…or have a biopsy. And then he said maybe I should just go see my surgeon “because two heads are better than one” and see what she thought. Her thought was to either watch it…or have it removed. Both of them thought it might be a suture or scar tissue doing something weird. Neither of them were very concerned or freaked out about it. (which really surprised me…and calmed me in a strange sort of way)

But in the end, both of them leaned towards me having it checked out.

So today I had surgery to have two very small lumps removed from my left ‘chest’. (my issues were all on the right in the beginning) I found it mildly amusing that they called my little surgery today a “breast biopsy” because I don’t HAVE breasts. Anyway… I guess I’m easily amused.

I won’t lie… I was scared this wasn’t going to end up as the ‘nothing’ they both tried to reassure me it was, if you get my drift. I was worried. I have been so ready to get to today and get it over with for quite some time now. And it finally came and went.

I really like my breast surgeon. She’s older and all business but she is kind and gentle too. She immediately knew when she got in there that I just had a little bundle of flesh that grew around a stitch causing a small knot. “Totally benign”…her words. I was a bit surprised to have the ‘results’ of this so quickly. I was figuring I’d have to wait for labs etc to know anything, but I guess it was pretty easy for her to see what it was.

I am so thankful today is done. And that I already know what was going on inside me.

Now to heal up. Again. I keep wondering if this is a couple of steps back as far as wearing a bra and the foobs. I really don’t know how long the healing process will be for this little tiny surgery.

But that is ok. : ) 

magnify

Growing up there were many ‘church words’ that I didn’t understand.

To be honest, a lot of church words are still sometimes a mystery.

O Magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together. Ps 34:3

I have heard the word magnify and read it and sung it and thought it but never really got what it means. Maybe I still don’t…but God is opening me up to see glimpses of what it means.

When I look at the moon, it is small. If I looked it with a telescope, it would be big. It hasn’t changed in size, but I see it differently because that’s what I am focusing on. My perspective has changed.

When I look at problems or my health or anything else, it can seem so BIG sometimes. A weight too big to carry. And then I look at God and He seems small compared to everything around me that I am focusing on.

Maybe I need to use my ‘telescope’ (prayer) and focus on God instead of the things around me. And then I can see Him better and the things that weigh on me would be smaller in comparison.

Perspective is a tricky thing and I am determined to keep my eyes focused on the One that matters most.