the necklace

I knew when we were in preparation for losing Bub that I wanted a piece of jewelry to remember him by. I'm not talking about 1 carat diamonds or some fancy somethin' somethin'... but I wanted something meaningful to carry with me. This is what we chose. Bub loved butterflies and green was his favorite color. When the jeweler showed me this made up with some ugly stone color, I knew it was perfect. We chose an emerald for the butterfly because green also signifies life. And Bub is experiencing more of life now than he was when he was here. That's so hard for us to grasp sometimes. His headstone has butterflies on it and talks about is illness and then says "the struggle of the cocoon is over... he is free!". I love that! That is what this life is... a struggle until we're freed from this body to receive our a new life in heaven.

I wear my necklace every day. It has started some interesting conversations. I get compliments on it almost daily. Sometimes I just smile and touch it. Other times it opens a door to tell someone about our son and his cancer journey. And other times to tell of the Father's amazing love for him and us. This necklace has come to symbolize so much. When I got it, it was to mark a passing, but the longer I've worn it, it reminds me of a future. Free of the cocoon.

Wii Fit Kitty

After the last few posts, I decided I'd make today kind of a Wordless Wednesday... although I can't resist sayin' a little bit! Isn't she cute?!
If it's on the floor, she wants to lay/sit on it. So we weren't surprised when she decided to camp out on the Wii Fit balance board. Too funny. I don't think it works that way though.
The view from behind. I don't think she's gonna get any skinnier doing it like that! LOL

Funny girl! And yeah... she really is a wide load when you see her from the back like that!

the questions, part five

I could just as easily title this post 'the lady at Walmart' because I had quite an adventure yesterday. And yes, Walmart does have something to do with what I've been discussing in this here 'questions series'. At least it does today. And yes, I'm hoping to get to my point soon. I guess I've been working my way to it sloooowly. Anyhoo...

I went to buy my groceries at Walmart yesterday. This lady walked right up to me and told me she was new in town and needed to ask me a question. I was expecting something along the lines of 'where are the canned tomatoes?'. But nope! She launched into a full scale 'if you were to die today, why should God let you into His heaven' assault! I guess I was really expecting the tomato question. Because I just stood there a minute. This is usually the kind of thing you read about...but it never actually happens to you. I'd never had anybody jump in my face like that. And frankly it was weird. She was zealous, but I could feel it that she didn't know what she was doing. Looking at a card to ask me one question was my first hint. I felt sorry for her. I told her "because I know Him and I'm His". I hoped that would cause her to ponder what she was asking. But nope. I had given her the wrong answer. What she wanted was "I've said the sinner's prayer." (I kept wondering just how many unchurched people even know what the heck 'the sinners prayer is'... ummm none probably!) Because she asked me if I'd said it more than once during this whole thing and I began to feel like she was trying to nail me against the wall. I finally said 'yes yes yes!' to answer her question. I walked away very frustrated and angry at myself. I should of been able to give her an answer for the hope that I have. And in a way, I did. But not to her liking.

You see, this is the very thing I've been leading up to. Knowing! Really knowing. In the Bible, knowing is a personal, intimate thing. When one knew another, in some cases, a baby came. That's pretty personal and intimate. God wants to be close to us. He doesn't want us to just be running around Walmart being zealous. But to really know Him. And that is what I began to do. To answer her question truthfully... no I didn't really say 'the sinners prayer' in the way she thinks it. But I did begin to know the Father. I began to listen for Him and confess my sin/sins and my need for Him and express my desire for Him etc. In effect... a sinner's prayer. But more lengthy and detailed and over the course of time and I began to KNOW Him. I began to pray and read His word very regularly!

And He began to reveal Himself to me in a real and powerful way. I began to hear His voice. The voice I thought must not be real. Well.. it is real. He wanted to talk to me! How thrilling! The first thing I heard Him say was "I love you" and even thinking that now makes me smile. I needed to hear Him tell me that. That I... the individual I.. was indeed loved by the Creator of the universe. Personally. I continue to hear Him as well. It was not a one time revelation. He continues to speak.. He is always speaking, as someone I know says. I know things are not right between He and I when I can't hear Him. I've gone somewhere else and need to return to Him. Fellowship is broken and I'm not hearing and knowing Him in that moment. And I need to fix it. So I do.

About the verses I struggled with in other posts and the way I dealt with what they say. Well, they're real, too. And they are saying something real. We spend too much time trying to deconstruct what God's trying to say and missing the truth along the way. Hanging on to one verse that we think says it all when often we don't know what He really says about things because we haven't searched and don't see other verses that tell a broader story of salvation. Or maybe a narrower story would be a better word for it. God began to open my eyes to so much in His word and about who He is and He continues to do so.

A book God used in me and continues to use is in my sidebar. An Exciting New Life by Andrew Murray. It's a wonderful, beautiful book that simply and eloquently lays out the new life and takes the reader into almost every book of the Bible in the process. Even though it was written many years ago, it's message is timeless. In thinking about these posts, I dragged out my old tattered copy and it took me back to the time He first revealed Himself. It was precious and it still is today.

There are so many other things to say... but there's always another post! : )

the questions, part four

I ended my last post with THE question... what is salvation? I should begin here to say that I think I had pretty much given up when God began His work in me to bring me to Himself. I was very disillusioned with things, to say the least... all the while active in church, thinking this was just how it was... 'haves' and 'have-nots' in God's kingdom, perhaps.

And I was a have-not.

I began to see what's not salvation very quickly. I think I'd seen it all along in other people, but failed to see it in myself. Or fully understand it.

It's not just saying a prayer and getting baptized - someone I once knew called that 'a done deal' and felt like someone should be 'assured' at that point. (think: 'parable of the sower' here. Not every seed falls on good ground. Many seeds die out!) I had done that more than once and still I struggled with doubt for years. I cringe when I see little kids who've mumbled out a prayer being scurried to the front to ask for baptism. In many cases, (not speaking for every case here.. just my experience!), this sets up a chain of struggle and doubt that can reach ahead years and years.

It's not being religious in whatever form that takes in a person's particular circle. There was a time years ago when Disney was O.U.T. And now, it seems like THE thing... evvvverybody's got to 'go to Disney'. I guess the boycott's over! That's just an example. It might be 'put your kids in private school'. There is a list of 'we do this but we don't do that' rules that's a mile long. What we wear. How we act. What to say and do to 'fit in'. Every group has it's norms. They're what you do if you're OK and want to be accepted. I had the rules figured out to a T. But you know what? Those rules don't help with doubt. So then what do ya do? None of the religious laws or norms made me closer to God. They showed me all the more that I couldn't do it and I struggled with emptiness all the more. And yet I continued to think I just must be a 'have-not' in the kingdom.

Sadly, there isn't much of an answer to the struggle most of the time. I've seen 'new converts' brought in and nurtured and shown everything from how to work in the nursery to scrapbooking (you know... taking care of photos in an archival manner is sooo important in light of eternity. Um, NOT!). We're taught to come in and be active. But never really taught in most cases how to relate to God. Not just to relate... to know.

I began to see I had under estimated some words. One of them was know.

the questions, part three

Since I was pretty much starting over, a lot of things I had held on to didn't have much meaning any more. Verses that I'd held onto for assurance suddenly didn't seem like friends to me anymore. The Baptist mantra of "once saved, always saved" rang pretty hollow to me as well. God was really stripping away a lot of junk accumulated over the years. I felt like a banana with far too many layers. It hurt to be peeled like that.

But it continued. And with it...lots of questions.

I began to realize I didn't know God's voice. I had never thought I needed to know it. I had even heard pastors say they'd never heard God speak before. So I felt like I was in good company. But with this 'do over' in my life, that didn't hold much water anymore. A verse that kept coming back to me was "My sheep know My voice" (John 10). Well, I certainly knew I had never heard it before. So what did that say about me?! Could it be that I wasn't "His sheep" after all?

How do I reconcile this??
Matthew 7: 21"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.
22"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?'
23"And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS."

What kind of people would 'prophesy in Your name' and 'cast our demons and perform miracles'? Ummm... church people! THAT realization really scared me! So, what does it really mean to know Him??

And this??
Matthew 7:13"Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.
14"For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it."

After reading everything else, did I really think I was on a road leading to life?

Of course all of these questions led me to THE question. What is salvation... really???

the questions, part two

Let's see.... where was I. It's hard for me to write all of this down. For one thing, it's been a while and my memory's not what it used to be. haha. But then also, there was a lot to this. I can tell my story over and over and it not sound the same, but have elements of how God worked. So yeah.. its kinda tricky trying to put it all down in some sort of 'order'. I hope I don't leave anything out. Yesterday it felt so ummm... intimidating trying to write all of this down, since I've never done that. And I didn't have a clue what I was going to say today until late last night. He began to reveal to me more and more what He wanted to say and bringing things to mind.

One of the things God had me to do was erase every preconceived idea I had about Him. To pretty much scrap "my faith" and start all over. That way, I wasn't hanging on to ideas I'd picked up from reading books or some pastor along the way. But truly letting God reveal Himself to me. That was hard. I had many preconceived ideas about God that I was unaware of until then.

I also let go of everything I thought I knew about the Bible. After all... if you're gonna chunk what you think you know about God, but then hold on to stuff you think you understand about the Bible, it's not going to get you very far. I had to come to the Word like I had never seen it before... and in many ways I hadn't... and let God reveal Himself and His Word to me.

Basically, I was starting from scratch.

It's hard letting go of what you've learned. And I had learned a lot. I was always learning. But... God began to open my eyes to the fact that I was "always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth." 2 Timothy 3:7 This was very hard and uncomfortable as it took me out of my comfort zone. I felt like I was being exposed. It was a very scary time for me. I realized I had nothing.

I began to seek God in earnest. I had always has my "quiet time" at night, when I had one, that is! When I was exhausted. And after I had trudged through the day without Him. God began to work in me that I needed to start my day with Him. To say I was less that enthusiastic about that was an understatement. I hated the idea and I was pretty angry about it.

But I did it.

A verse God brought to me later on, but illustrates the point of what God was wanting to show me is "In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice. In the morning I will order my prayer to you and eagerly watch." Psalm 5:3. When I started my day with God, there was an expectancy and a knowing that He was at work and that I needed to seek Him throughout the day that just reading a little and sending up a prayer before I crashed at night could not provide me.

And in the middle of letting go of what I thought I knew about things and seeking Him for the first time, came lots of questions.

the questions, part one

Several questions were posed to me recently and I thought I would use this place as a way to answer them for myself.

I grew up in a Baptist church. I was in church my whole life. I remember giving my heart to God and feeling better. Over and over. It felt like a merry-go-round sometimes. I could never figure out 'the key' to getting it to work for me. I watched other people and their relationship with the Father. And sometimes I would even think "I want that". But most of the time, the people looked just like me. Struggling just as much as I was. And yet, like me, covering that with doing and saying all the right things to fit in.

Fast forward a few years. Married with children. Two to be exact. I was struggling. Struggling with motherhood. Nothing dramatic. It's just hard. Can I hear an 'Amen' ladies?! I knew I didn't have the intimacy with God to handle the things that were coming my way. And yet I kept trudging forward. I would pray sometimes when I was real desperate. And yet I think I knew my prayers at that time weren't getting above the ceiling fan. And yet I kept trudging forward.

But at some point I knew I was not right. I began to see things in the Bible that disturbed me to the core. I couldn't shake them. Basically all of Matthew 7, starting at verse 7. These are some of the most umm.. uncomfortable verses in the Bible. And no shock to me, since we try our hardest to stay away from things that bother us, verses I didn't read. But suddenly I was drawn to them over and over. And I couldn't let go of the words. I carried them with me to the grocery store. To take care of my kids. Folding socks. Everything I did. Those words kept coming back.

I knew I had to do something.

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

And so it began.

the maid and the movie star

We eat snacks all over the house. Yes we do. Just nothing real messy.. or red.. or yellow. Yellow is "code" for mustard. The one dreaded thing that will not... NOT..come out of carpet. And this is the hallway outside the Boo's room. Let's see... she's got a water bottle, some Cheerios, a cracker sleeve and Frosted Flakes... I think. Health food nut, that girl!

***Disclaimer*** Ready? Uh-hum! She does actually eat very well. It's just the plethora of boxes and junk outside the door don't seem show it in it's best light sometimes! If I kept at it, there would be a new photo for every day of the week, as every time a turn around, this is pretty much what I find in the hall. She sure didn't learn that little move from us. That's the only thing I can say!

I guess she wants to be a movie star when she grows up and leave all her extra food items outside hotel rooms all over the world.

I guess that makes me the maid.

Roasted Chicken

Sometimes when I watch Rachael Ray I come up with a keeper. This is one of them! It's roasted chicken breasts. This is a pic of the dish cooked... although I think it went a tad long, but not too bad. I had never thought to "roast" breasts rather than the whole bird and this has much less fat since it's not cooking in the skin and stuff. I didn't do it exactly like hers because I don't keep some things on hand all the time... like real garlic, fresh bay leaves and some kind of fancy olives. I use garlic powder, omit bay and use plain ole Spanish olives and it turns out very good... and soo easy!

Here's what I use:
chicken breasts
lemon, cut in large slices
fresh bay leaves - I omit those sometimes
onion, sliced
olives - I use green
Thyme - I use dry... SHE would use fresh, though
Garlic cloves - I use powder most of the time
EVOO, salt and pepper

Preheat the oven to 450. I usually do all the chopping and put it all in a plastic container in the frig, so when it's time to make dinner, I can dump it all in and be done fast! Put the chicken in a baking dish. Put everything else on top. Mix it real good with your hands til the EVOO covers the ingredients so they roast well. Cook for about 50 minutes. This one cooked 50 and I think it could of come out at 45.

When I saw "you-know-who" make hers on TV, she made a little roux with flour and EVOO and added chicken broth to make a gravy. She added some thyme and some lemon juice right at the end. I've done this with fingerling potatoes and broccoli or a salad.

It is very good and super easy. Not a single thing to measure! Love it! For more yummy things, visit Saturday Stirrings at www.ithrowlikeagirl.com

say cheese!

I feel real old. I took Boo to have her portrait done today. Haven't done that in years! I've just relied on school pictures, which for the most part, are pretty good. And they do a 'spring portrait' at her old school that was more posed with props, backgrounds etc and they always did a bang up job, so I never bothered. Well the ones from this past spring weren't so hot. So it left me without any cute pics of my girl. And she's growing up and turned 13 and I just thought it would be a fun day if we made a special thing out of it and it was 'her day'. I gave her a mini pedi yesterday in preparation for her big day. And today I did a mini facial and lightly did her makeup. She looked natural and beautiful and she had a BLAST!

But my, how things have changed. Back in the olden days (sigh!) you did the sitting, came back to look at proofs and then came back on another day and picked up your prints. Well not so today! I have come into the new millennium, y'all... and I love it!

We went to Picture People at the mall. It was great. There was no stodgy old guy behind the camera that he had to crank up and get adjusted. Remember the days?! Nope! It was a young girl with a hand held digital camera. It felt more like a 'photo shoot' than a portrait sitting. And Boo LOVED it! She was a natural! I was worried she would be stiff or odd, but not so!

Every. single. shot. was. amazing. I had a hard time picking and choosing what I wanted.

But it gets better, girls! After I picked, I waited for about 15 minutes and they had my order printed and ready to go... framed and everything. It was amazing... especially since the last time Boo had her picture done, it was at Walmart when she was 7. 'nuff said. Those 'Walmart Specials' are cute and one is sitting right in front of me at my desk... but THESE... they are something to behold. A thing of beauty.

Can't wait for Daddyman to get home so he can see what he bought today!

what good is it?

Sometimes I think I could start just about every post with "I've been thinking..." but so often lately, my thinkin's are fodder for a post. So here goes!

I've been thinking a lot about grieving. I've done my share of it. I've lost aunts, uncles, neighbors, grandparents and even some friends. So I am acquainted with it.

And then there is the loss of our son. That takes grief to a whole new level. I've watched (either first hand or by reading a blog) mothers, fathers and families grieve the loss of someone they loved and didn't want to lose.

I get it. I get the pain. I get the feelings and thoughts that go along with it. Sometimes rational. Sometimes not. But I get it.

But what I didn't get for a while was it's purpose. At times I didn't think it had a purpose other than it just was what it was. Something we feel. But WHY? What good is it?

The good is... if I would let it, it's a way God wanted/wants to do His work in me. He wants to draw me in to Him. To run to Him when I hurt or I'm sad. Does He want to comfort? Yes. But he wants to reveal more of Himself in the process. And reveal more of our need for Him in the process. And when I let Him (past and present), He is there to do His work. And make me more like Himself.

I know sometimes people spend less time with God when their child dies. But then they also hurt so much. Quickly after we lost Bub, I realized the closer I was to God, the 'closer' in some senses, I was to Bub. Since after all, he is with Jesus now anyway. I don't really know how to say that... but God periodically has given me tiny glimpses of the glory and delight that are Bub's current reality. So beautiful and perfect. Wow.

Relationship with the Father is the only thing that kept me 'sane' through Bub's illness and death... the only thing that brought peace and understanding in the midst of my worst storm. To anyone else who's grieving a loss... seek Him. Listen for Him. He always has things to say. You won't be disappointed.

what is your best thought?

I've been digging through music I haven't listened to in a while. I found a Selah cd of hymns and plopped it in the van to listen while I ran errands last night and today. There is so much to ponder. They're so rich! I didn't get very far into the cd, since I was running around close to home. But what I did hear was delicious and thought provoking.

I was listening to and singing along with (don't even go there.. I'm no singer! Only in the car. By myself! lol) Be Thou My Vision and there was a phrase about "thou my best thought, by day or by night, thy presence my light" and I just stopped singing. I have so many thoughts throughout the day.. I *am* a girl after all.. and thinking and talking.. well it's just what we do. But my BEST thought?! It really stopped me in my tracks. Sometimes the Father can be an after thought or occupy a small portion of my thinking when there are other 'pressing matters'. My heart and my thought 'life' suffer because of it and I wonder why I'm not where I ought to be etc.

Sadly.

But I am always in the front of His thoughts. He should always be in the front of mine. And I should be listening to Him in my thoughts and prayers as I go about these 'pressing matters' that cloud up and occupy so much of my time some days.

What other thought is more worthy to be my best thought than He is?!

Stinkerbell is in the house

Our kitty likes to play a fun little 'game' at night sometimes. You see.. she sleeps in the bathroom. She's done that since she was a kitten and seems to enjoy it. She sits in our entry way looking longingly down the hallway every night all the while waiting on 10 pm when we promptly put her to bed in her bathroom.

But if we happen to be late getting her in there it's a whole different story.

If we're late, she just gives up on us and hides under the bed. And nothing can drag her out of there. It's a king sized bed, and she burrows up in places we can't reach and just looks at us. I think she's mentally sticking out her tongue at us. I'm pretty sure that's what that look means.

Anyhoo...

Last night was one of those nights we didn't get the queen into her throne room fast enough to please her and she ran under the bed. bummer. We looked at her and reached for her to no avail, naturally. So we settled in for our sleep knowing at some point in the night she would come out and make a nuisance of herself and one of us.. well *I* would wake up, nab her and toss her in the loo for the remainder of the night. Usually she pounces a foot or purrs near our heads. Ya know... something like that.

But oh no... not last night! The only thing I remembered was her walking on top of the covers between my legs all the way up and then feeling her spin around and plop down and make a pillow out of my tail end. I was sleeping on my stomach, so I had to do some fancy work to get myself up and twisted around so I could get my hands on Stinkerbell. I did... finally.... and got her 'tossed' for the night. But not before I gave her a little smooch on the head as I carried her away.

I'm pretty sure I heard her laughing under her breath! What a night. What a kitty!

and tastes a lot better too!

I've been digging through recipes and making copies of some easy favorites for a friend. So it's got me thinkin' about some things I haven't made in a while.

One of the things I used to make quite often is a homemade spaghetti sauce with meat. It is soo good and its homemade.. AND it's got no high fructose corn syrup or any of the other nasties that come in jar sauces.

Just some good taste! And you can say "yes, I made the sauce" because everyone will ask since it tastes a lot better than out of a can or jar!

And the smell in the house will make everyone count the minutes til dinner's ready!

Ya ready?! Here goes:

1 pound hamburger meat, browned and drained
2 cans chopped tomato 14 ounces each
2 cans tomato sauce 8 ounces each
1 cup water
1/2 cup chopped onion or 2 tablespoons dried onion
2 cloves garlic or 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1 tablespoon parsley flakes
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon thyme
1 bay leaf

Brown the meat. Add the rest of the ingredients. Bring to a boil. Simmer uncovered 2 hours, stirring occasionally.

Note: I have a set of 1/c cup sized Rubbermaid containers and I get out all the ingredients and measure into each one. This way, I only have to get all of that stuff out and measure the ingredients for it every 4th or 5th time. Pretty smart, huh?! Then when it's time to make spaghetti, I brown the meat, add the dry stuff from my little container, the tomato stuff and water, stir and go.

It's easier than Hamburger Helper and tastes a lot better, too!

For more tasty recipes, go to www.ithrowlikeagirl.com

Welcome!

Welcome to Notes from the Wall. As I said before, I was realizing that I didn't like several things about my old blog.. the name being one. haha! So I decided it was as good a time as any to change things up a bit. I thought long and hard about names and other things and decided to go ahead and make the jump. I hope to get my little bloggy self blinged up sometime, but til then I'll have to settle for the plain template thing. lol But thanks for making the jump with me.

through the trees

We decided at the spur of the moment to go see fireworks last night. Since we're both pretty uninterested in crowds, we picked a nice place in a vacant lot up the street. We were the first ones there. By the time the show started, we weren't the only ones there. But that was ok. We heard fireworks before we saw them. They were on the other side of "those trees". We hoisted Boo on top of the van and she got a better view than we did. But we enjoyed sitting in the back of the van watching what we could see over the tops of the trees. It was one of those 'note to self: park over there next time' kinda moments. But it was spontaneous and fun.

This morning we decided to get out. So we went to the zoo. We got there when it opened and there weren't very many people there for about the first hour. We routinely skip some areas, but today checked those things out, so it was a bit of a new experience for us. And then the park filled up some more by noon. We were hot, tired looking for animals through the trees and tired of the crowds, so we left. Another spontaneous, fun thing.

Happy Fourth, Y'all!

then and now

Way back in the 'olden days' catching up on the news meant clicking on Foxnews or the local news web site and reading about all the bad news in the world. But NOW catching up on news means clicking on 'my blogs' and catching up with everybody's goings on. I counted today and even I was a little surprised at how many blogs I frequent. Guess how many! Are you ready?! Drum roll......

sixty!!!

Jiminy Crickets! I just about died when I finished my count. But every one is interesting. And I get something from each one.... or I wouldn't bother with it, ya know? I enjoy the sense of community 'out there' in blogville. I enjoy being able to interact with someone I will never meet, even if just for a short comment or a small word of encouragement. I like that. Today, we seem less connected to people than ever, but total strangers from across the country (or world for that matter) can read another woman's thoughts and encourage her and pray for her.

How cool is that?!

just be

There is so much going on right now. Death. People are sick. There are hurting and lost ones all around us. I could go on and on. The list of prayer requests is about as long as my arm. It can be overwhelming. And all these people need prayer.. all these people need to know and feel His presence in a real way.

And yet so do I.

I can't pray *for* anything unless I've just prayed to pray. I know I need more of Him to be of any use in the prayer room. So often we.. and I do mean I... can come before God with my list of stuff. The sick people. The people who are hurting. The ones who need Him. And that is good. But not until I've come before Him myself. For myself. Not to ask for anything, but just to worship and listen and just be.

And it's very often in these times He chooses to reveal His will regarding 'the list' and then praying for others is more effective.

Father, please help me to be still and listen. To be willing to wait for what you want to say, rather than say "I think I'm feeling what you want" or whatever we say when we're in a rush. I know you are always speaking and always wanting us to hear. Please help me to just be.