what good is it?

Sometimes I think I could start just about every post with "I've been thinking..." but so often lately, my thinkin's are fodder for a post. So here goes!

I've been thinking a lot about grieving. I've done my share of it. I've lost aunts, uncles, neighbors, grandparents and even some friends. So I am acquainted with it.

And then there is the loss of our son. That takes grief to a whole new level. I've watched (either first hand or by reading a blog) mothers, fathers and families grieve the loss of someone they loved and didn't want to lose.

I get it. I get the pain. I get the feelings and thoughts that go along with it. Sometimes rational. Sometimes not. But I get it.

But what I didn't get for a while was it's purpose. At times I didn't think it had a purpose other than it just was what it was. Something we feel. But WHY? What good is it?

The good is... if I would let it, it's a way God wanted/wants to do His work in me. He wants to draw me in to Him. To run to Him when I hurt or I'm sad. Does He want to comfort? Yes. But he wants to reveal more of Himself in the process. And reveal more of our need for Him in the process. And when I let Him (past and present), He is there to do His work. And make me more like Himself.

I know sometimes people spend less time with God when their child dies. But then they also hurt so much. Quickly after we lost Bub, I realized the closer I was to God, the 'closer' in some senses, I was to Bub. Since after all, he is with Jesus now anyway. I don't really know how to say that... but God periodically has given me tiny glimpses of the glory and delight that are Bub's current reality. So beautiful and perfect. Wow.

Relationship with the Father is the only thing that kept me 'sane' through Bub's illness and death... the only thing that brought peace and understanding in the midst of my worst storm. To anyone else who's grieving a loss... seek Him. Listen for Him. He always has things to say. You won't be disappointed.