the questions, part four

I ended my last post with THE question... what is salvation? I should begin here to say that I think I had pretty much given up when God began His work in me to bring me to Himself. I was very disillusioned with things, to say the least... all the while active in church, thinking this was just how it was... 'haves' and 'have-nots' in God's kingdom, perhaps.

And I was a have-not.

I began to see what's not salvation very quickly. I think I'd seen it all along in other people, but failed to see it in myself. Or fully understand it.

It's not just saying a prayer and getting baptized - someone I once knew called that 'a done deal' and felt like someone should be 'assured' at that point. (think: 'parable of the sower' here. Not every seed falls on good ground. Many seeds die out!) I had done that more than once and still I struggled with doubt for years. I cringe when I see little kids who've mumbled out a prayer being scurried to the front to ask for baptism. In many cases, (not speaking for every case here.. just my experience!), this sets up a chain of struggle and doubt that can reach ahead years and years.

It's not being religious in whatever form that takes in a person's particular circle. There was a time years ago when Disney was O.U.T. And now, it seems like THE thing... evvvverybody's got to 'go to Disney'. I guess the boycott's over! That's just an example. It might be 'put your kids in private school'. There is a list of 'we do this but we don't do that' rules that's a mile long. What we wear. How we act. What to say and do to 'fit in'. Every group has it's norms. They're what you do if you're OK and want to be accepted. I had the rules figured out to a T. But you know what? Those rules don't help with doubt. So then what do ya do? None of the religious laws or norms made me closer to God. They showed me all the more that I couldn't do it and I struggled with emptiness all the more. And yet I continued to think I just must be a 'have-not' in the kingdom.

Sadly, there isn't much of an answer to the struggle most of the time. I've seen 'new converts' brought in and nurtured and shown everything from how to work in the nursery to scrapbooking (you know... taking care of photos in an archival manner is sooo important in light of eternity. Um, NOT!). We're taught to come in and be active. But never really taught in most cases how to relate to God. Not just to relate... to know.

I began to see I had under estimated some words. One of them was know.