freedom to hear

I am doing BSF this year. I knew from the beginning of the study in the fall that I wasn’t sure if I was going to “make it”. And I was right. It’s HARD and a struggle every week to decipher an answer to the very intricately written book of Isaiah.

So I’ve been thinking about quitting.

Several girls have been wanting me to stay. Don’t go, it will get better. When? I know it’s hard, but it’s good. I think they say that just to sound better. It’s more like it’s hard but we’re supposed to like it so we’ll say it’s good too. I have been struggling with all the different opinions about what I should do.

Sunday the pastor was talking about the Spirit of God. It was like water to a thirsty, dry riverbed. I was so needing to hear what was being said. He was talking about making a decision and going to God’s word and listening to Him speak. And it was like finally I realized that I had been so caught up in what everybody else was saying, that I couldn’t hear anything any more.

You see, in this Bible study situation, there are many voices that are begging to be heard. There is the one in ME saying quit, this is too hard. There are the voices of friends saying stay, it will get better. Pulling me in every conceivable direction. I felt stuck and told a friend just that the other day.

Her response..you’re never stuck when you’re walking with God.

But in this situation, was I walking with God? Or just at war about what I should do. Sunday it hit me that I was simply at war between the girls wanting me to stay and the voice in me saying this is hard. Quit.

But I had neglected to hear the one Voice that is the only one that matters. And when I stopped giving in to what everybody was saying, I had the freedom to really hear.

This study is not where I want you to be.

Yeah I know…sounds exactly like I’m quitting, doesn’t it?

Sorta.

But you know what, it’s not. I’m not quitting. I am following God and what He wants me to do. So there isn’t any guilt. Do you see the difference there? If I just quit because I want to, then I would feel guilty that I am letting somebody down or this one will be upset or whatever. But if I am only out to please the One, and I do, then there is no condemnation.

So I did pull out last week when my leader called to check on me. She knew I had been thinking and praying about it so it wasn’t a big surprise to her. I felt so relieved to be where I was supposed to be!

I wrote two posts a long time ago that never made it up about this very thing…hearing God. But they never saw the light of day. It was never right for me to post them. And now I know why.

God wanted to live it out in me instead.

*tap tap tap*

Is this thing on?

Remember me?

I haven’t posted much lately. It feels like I’m busy but I haven’t been up to that much either. I do know one of the things that has taken up some time is BSF. It does take time to do the homework. Sometimes the questions are ‘easy’ and other times they require a little more digging. But it’s been good. Yippee.. this week Jesus *finally* gets to raise from the dead. I’m so glad. It’s hard to stay with His walk to the cross and His time on the cross for such a long time. So this will be an especially good week of study.

And now for some little bits of random… remember the other day when I asked your opinions on hard anodized non stick cookware. Well here’s the deal.. I bought this the other day.

It’s made out of aluminum and then it’s got some fancy-dancy coating on it and I just wasn’t sure I wanted to cook with it. So it’s been sitting on my floor for a while now while I made up my mind.

Well I made it up. It hit me yesterday that I already have some really nice non stick cookware.

They’re called IRON SKILLETS. Aaaand, I can buy a universal lid for the bigger one and it will work exactly like the pricey model with the fancy coatings on it. So, that’s what I’m going to do!

I started using some new shampoo recently.. told you this was random.. Dove. And I really liked it. I really really liked it..more than Sally Field. Sorry, couldn’t resist throwing that in. Anyway, I went to buy another bottle the other day and they had changed the packaging. That drives me nuts. But I read all my buzz words… cucumber…cool moisture.. and thought we’re all good. And got it home and started using it.. and and and.. I can hardly say it.. they CHANGED IT. I guess I missed the words weightless formula. Y’all, they added conditioner. Kiss of death. It makes my hair all slippery and limp and it won’t do a dog-gone thang! So! I had a chit chat with the girl that does my hair, who knows I have a leaning toward wanting to pick up my shampoo at the Walmart instead of hoofing it over to Sally and paying an arm and a leg. She told me to try TRESemme. I went straight to the Walmart yesterday to get some and I thought I was gonna have a stroke just trying to find the right ‘formula’.. no, not color treated, not extra body, not damaged, not breakage control. I was thinking good-NESS, y’all, I just wanna wash my hair and without it leaving an oil slick. And then I found NORMAL shampoo on the bottom shelf about 4 inches off the floor. Evidently there aren’t very many people out there with normal hair. I feel special. I got home and used it and felt even more special. I’m in love again. Yay!

And speaking of fancy-dancy and hair... we had a hair rehearsal last weekend for a fancy-dancy par-tay the girl is going to on Saturday night. I am not much of a hair ‘doer’ and didn’t have a clue what to do to make her hair look special. So the girl who does my hair make a couple of suggestions and viola…

I think I did a perty good job, thankyouverymuch. And just an fyi.. no she won’t be using the orange clippy. That was just to practice.

The end.

further ‘from the wall’ evidence *updated with link

Yesterday was BSF. They have monthly luncheons for the small groups. I went the first week I was in a group. I was brand new and only listened. The second luncheon was when I had bronchitis, so I didn’t go. And then yesterday was our last one. So I decided I would go.

The point of this luncheon is to share what God is showing you in real life with what you’re learning through in the lesson. I love that. It’s not a ok, we’re not at church now, so let’s all gossip and talk about whatever we want to talk about. It’s on topic and it truly a sharing time. And the ladies are just precious.

So every girl at the table shared and then it was all eyes on me. I had shared with my BSF group leader that calls every week, as I worked my way through ‘the grief time’ this year. One week she called and I ended up crying all the way through the call. And then the next week, things were better and then the next week, even better.  And she wanted me to share.

For the life of me, I could not think of what to say or how to say it. I didn’t plan anything in particular to say. I’m not even sure I felt led to share. But share I did. I have a hard time when I’m nervous (don’t know these ladies very well) and semi-emotional at the same time. Not a very good combination. I came away thinking I had not conveyed anything of value to them. Just a bunch of scrambled thoughts. I know there were some things God was saying in the midst of my nerves and jumbled thoughts, so I hope they could pick those out. : ) 

But I certainly don’t see any future in public speaking. Blogging is more my medium. I can think without a bunch of eyes staring at me. That gives me time to think through what I’m going to say and I think it edits my words so I don’t ramble and it helps me say just the things God would have me say (hopefully).

So now I’m just praying that God takes my inability to communicate and speak to these ladies in a way that I can’t.

lingering over the lamb

I’m in BSF this year…started in January. So I jumped into the middle of the study of John. I’ve really enjoyed it even though it’s very different from anything I’ve ever done before.  In recent weeks, we’ve been studying Jesus and His days before the cross and now we’re up to when Jesus breathed His last and gave up His Spirit, basically. I’ve had a hard time the last couple of weeks concentrating while doing my study at home. Sometimes I just blamed it on things going on around me or in me and kept going.

I finally stopped the other day to realize that one of the purposes of taking it so slowly (for me anyway) was to really take in all that Jesus had done for me. Awkward. Not something that’s easy to stay with week after week. I know sometimes we talk about Good Friday and then say something about Sunday’s coming. Well, sometimes it feels like Sunday will never get here since we’re dissecting the verses so slowly (which is good). But it is hard to linger over the words of scripture about the spotless and holy Lamb of God and all He willingly suffered for me.

The other day I went to lunch at a friend’s house. It was her birthday and several of us got together to eat and scrapbook. One of the girls brought take out. And it was something I’d never eaten before.  I didn’t say anything about it to them, but it was very hard for me to eat it. I looked at it. I smelled it. And finally I ate it…savoring every bite..being fully aware of every aspect of eating it.

It was lamb.

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” Luke 22:19

have to vs. get to

It’s all about perspective sometimes. 

Sometimes I say I have to cook dinner. Or I have to clean house. Or I have to go to school and talk to a teacher. Or I have to go to Wallyworld and deal with all the crazies humanity.

But do I say that I have to talk to my husband? Or that I have to talk to/play with my kid?  Or that I have to go on vacation?  No!  I get to… and that’s a beautiful thing because I love them.  And they love me.

But there is something else that I can make into a have to.

It’s reading God’s word.  But it isn’t!

I get to sit down any time and read what God wants to say to me.  Not only that, but it is my privilege to get to sit down and read words written just for me. 

BSF and some sneaky grief

A friend of mine invited me to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship).  I’ve heard wonderful things about it. And I’ve even been to an intro meeting before, but I’ve never joined. 

I know several women IRL that go to BSF there.  I also know Donna, who goes there as well. Donna found me and sat with me through the lecture part.  *clang* (that sound you hear is my worlds colliding!)

After the lecture, I went to find my friend that invited me. She works in the children’s area, so to say hi to her meant going to the childrens’ wing of the building.  We used to belong to the church where the meeting is held when our kids were very small.  As a matter of fact, hubs and I met and married there as well.  So we have a leeetle bit of history with those walls.

So I chatted with Donna as we headed to the childrens area. I told her that Bub went to mother’s day out in that  childrens area.  As a matter of fact, when I picked him up from what would turn out to be his last day of MDO, I noticed something odd about him. That started the wheel rolling to get his diagnosis. His last classroom there was ‘the last room on the left’.

My friend was working in… the last room on the left.

The walls have been painted in some new funky colors so it doesn’t exactly look like it used to.  But it still felt very odd.  I talked to my friend outside her room for a minute and then she had to go.  It was hard for me to talk to her without choking up. I was standing in the exact spot where our lives began to cave in.  How do you just stand there thinking about that? 

But I did.  With tears in my eyes.  And a bit of a quivering voice.

And then I walked out and came on home.

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. 2 Cor 4:7.

Yes.. I *heart* this verse.  : )