Hello, amazon prime? I need boobs.

So..my fake boobs wore out. Yep. I didn't even know that was a thing.  But now I know.

It's a thing. A real thing.

I noticed a bit of cloudiness in the same corner of each one just the other day, and thought to myself that their days were numbered. And then I quickly dressed one day and washed the girls to put them on later in the morning. Which meant I was wearing my glasses.

Well. They weren't just having a little trouble. They were in full on failure. As in I could touch silicone. Y'all..I just wasn't ready for that.

I looked at my flat self in the mirror and started making calls.

I needed a scrip to get them paid for by my insurance. (they aren't cheap and we finally met our deductible..so I know for doggone sure I would like somebody else to pay for it) And there aren't very many days left for that this year. And I called the boob store and they had to order them. Where is an off the rack 'rack' when I need it? Sigh.

Oh well. It will be ok. They will be in before the end of the year and hopefully they are compatible with the brand I was currently using. Nothing is simple, folks. I told my hubby tonight that if it weren't for insurance and all that jazz, I wish we had just overnighted them from amazon or something.

Because I hate to say it, but it's been hard. As in depressing. Very depressing. I hate the way I look flat. I was busty before my surgery and my new girls were cute and perky and just right for my small frame. And now..nothing.

I dread going out the door and people looking at me. Never mind I went around for about seven months like this after surgery. But I guess I was psyched up for that. This came out of the blue and it has taken me by surprise.

Cancer steals so much. And now it's getting another laugh at my expense. I know I am more than the sum of my parts. I get that. But I also get it that I just want to fit in and not be self conscious.

My girl and I even tried to make a temporary set yesterday. That didn't work. I have been looking up crochet patterns to see if we can find something simple enough for her to make (since that is a new hobby of hers).

So yeah..Flat Stanley's very flat sister is on the loose this holiday season. Merry Christmas y'all. : )

holy ground

On that day in 2002, the birds were singing and the skies were a bright blue.  There wasn't a cloud in the sky...just the one that hung over our hearts as we buried our beloved one.

Today was much the same. Except we came in shorts and tee shirts. Holding flowers. For our sweet boy. 

That day was perfect. I know that sounds strange. The weather was stunningly beautiful. The perfect 'no temperature' temperature for a spring day.

Today as we walked up the small incline to his place, I watched my flip flopped feet. My only thought was we are standing on holy ground.

Not because there are lots of headstones and much grief there..and not because my baby's empty shell is buried there. But because of how I met God that day.

He was in the birds singing. And the breezes that caused the wind chimes to play their melodies.

And He was in me. I sat and felt those breezes and knew at that moment, it was Him breathing His Spirit around me and into me when I needed it like never before.

Today, it felt very much like years gone by, but the knowing was even more real. My hand pressed against the cold stone touching a name that is only a spirit now.  My girl and I exchanged knowing glances and she left me just to be for a moment, breathing it all in, touching, listening. It's all the same...yet He is more real. 

Thank you Father for breathing Your Spirit into me every day...but with an extra measure today. 

Happy anniversary, my beloved one.

I'm here

I guess that is a good way to start. I'm here. I am fine. Just sipping my green smoothie of this beautiful Lord's day and so aware of His grace and faithfulness to me.

There are so many things I could talk about. I could tell you about my Vitamix and how amazing it is. It really puts the smooth in smoothie. Or I could tell you how much I'm loving the early spring we are having. We worked out in the yard yesterday as a family and it was so nice. It's making me itch to plant some veggies. : )

But really more than anything, my heart his heavy. There is just so much going on in the world. And in my little world. People around me are hurting. People are finding out they are sick. Dealing with death. Dealing with life. And it's all just hard.

And it is drawing me ever more to the feet of the One who cares for me. The One who knows my heart and knows all that is weighing heavy on it.  The One who delights in my prayers. And delights in me when things are hard and I hardly feel like a delight to anyone. Except the One.

Thank you Father for being the One that satisfies my soul. Bring me to be ever more satisfied with You and less burdened by life and realize where Life truly comes from.

May you have a wonderful Sunday, my friends.