birthdays…his and mine

There were two birthdays last week. One to celebrate a 15th year that he never saw.

And another to celebrate my birthday, two days later. And I ain’t tellin’ how many 47 birthdays I’ve seen. ; )

I thought about letting Landon’s birthday pass without a word on the blog. When the day rolled around, I was busy thinking other thoughts intermingled with many thoughts of him. We went to Chili’s. We colored a pepper. I wrote on it about watching kids his age going to high school. And yet he is still four. It’s a strange life.

I am thankful for all his birthdays and thankful I could be his mommy here on earth, even if it was only for four years. And many more in heaven…I still wouldn’t trade it.

And then two days later, my birthday rolled around. Not much fanfare which is the usual for us. And that’s ok. But the mixture of his birthday and then mine and all that’s happened in the past year along with thoughts of my one year cancer-versary (coming up in about a month) left me in a very pensive mood.

So even though I was posting vacation pics last week, very often my thoughts and heart were far away…and not in Colorado.

I have felt the usual cloak of sadness creep in during this time of year, but there is this added layer this year. I will be honest here and say that there are fearful moments for me. What if’s hang heavy over me sometimes.

But I was reading in Hebrews today and I love it when I read a verse I’ve read over and over and He brings it to life again and gives it fresh beauty.

Hebrews 4:16 “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” NASB

Chapter 4 is talking about finding rest, and I think often we tend to think about ‘rest’ meaning when we die…RIP sort of thing. But the writer is talking about finding rest now. So thankful that even in the midst of living here, we can draw near to the throne of grace…aren’t those beautiful words???..and receive mercy and find grace…aren’t those things we look for all the time, even in things that won’t satisfy??? So thankful that when we do, He will help us in our time of need, which hello, is all the time.

Always so thankful when I read something I’ve read before…underlined even…and hear a word for today…right now…in them.

Hugs and love, my friends. : )