We went to Home Depot over the weekend to buy some stuff to start making a few repairs to the house before it goes on the market. I’m excited. And I’m not.
I’m excited about the thought of a new neighborhood. (you have no idea) I’m excited about figuring out where all our stuff goes and the colors on the walls, rugs etc.
We found a house I love (hubs doesn’t even bother to go see them until I give the go ahead..he still hasn’t seen any), but it had a pool. *Not gonna happen. But this house was just perfect. Not too big, not too small. And pretty much a blank canvas. I think there were only two things hanging on the walls in the whole house. Great layout etc. I’ve been mentally decorating that house even though it’s a firm no-go.
And because of this, the reality of not living in this house is setting in.
After Bub slipped away, we had to decide whether we were going to live in ‘this’ house or buy another. We looked but couldn’t settle on anything. And the bottom line was that we just weren’t ready to part with it. It held lots of memories…some happy and some very very sad..but all fresh. And we just weren’t ready to let go.
So we remodeled and stayed. And I could tuck those memories safely away and not really think about the idea of not being able to ‘see’ them while walking around my house. And now I’m faced with this (hopefully) fact that we will leave here sometime (hopefully) soon and never come back. Never walk down the hallway. Never scrub the kids’ tub. Never put clothes in these closets. And it’s hitting me a little bit.
But I told hubs this morning that I’m kind of looking forward to being in our home office and it not being the room in which Bub breathed his last. I don’t think about that every time I’m in there…if I did, it would be bad. But I do think it. Sometimes. We do carry on normal lives in all the rooms of our house. But those thoughts are there…mostly untouched.
Until now.
I’m learning that I’ll need to work through some more grief to let go and move on.
*I told my realtor the other day that if the perfect house can come along with a pool, then another perfect one can come along without one. : )
6 comments:
It is definitely an ongoing process isn't it?
I've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. I've thought about moving and never looking back and then I know I won't. Our home is 5 yrs old and my husband did alot of work on it himself. We've lived on this property for 15 yrs (the first 10, in a mobile home) So many memories, but I know if we ever decide to move we will take the memories with us.
Hugs to you Kay and happy house hunting :)
Kay, I can see how this would be a huge 'heart tug' for you all. So many memories...good and bad.
But you know, those memories will be in your heart forever...no matter where you sleep at night. My heart goes out to you though.
Best of luck. I will add your house hunt to my daily prayers; something wonderful will come along. If not, we will sue the fortune cookie people.
xoxoxo
Suz
I have thought about this, too, of course...still haven't made many changes to her room. I pray for you to have the strength to do whatever it is that you need to do. Love is with you, wherever you are - in this house or another. God bless you.
I can't even begin to imagine the memories that your current house holds, and it's not fair for me to even try to understand.
But I'm thinking about you, and I just want you to know that. Take care!
My heart goes out to you, Kay, as you work through this stage of grief. So hard to let go of places that hold such precious memories. Praying God will provide the perfect house for you all soon!
Hey Kay,
I can completely understand how you are feeling here.
It about killed me to have to leave our house in Illinois, where I could look around and remember specific things about specific spots in the house. My heart broke feeling like somehow leaving those paces were like loosing more of Noah.
Then this fall when Beth rolled the truck over and totaled it. Again I felt a enormous loss. Not just because i really liked that truck, but because I use to day dream about when he would sit in his seat behind his dad, and pretend he was driving, or roll down the window and i could remember his hair gone all wild. He would laugh. Good times.
I still have all those memories in my head. But somehow having the physical place that those things happened made it more REAL for me.
I only have one place left that he's been. His grandparents house.
I hope to keep that forever.......just like his memories.
Hugs to you Kay.
My sweet friend.
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