the blanket

I watched Marie Osmond the other day on Oprah as she talked about the sudden loss of her son to suicide. I wanted to see what she had to say. I am always interested in how people talk about loss. She talked about her son’s life and some of his struggles. And then she talked about when he died. And how he died. (he jumped from his apartment window)

One thing in particular she mentioned is that it will not “get better”. And she feels better since other people told her the same thing. That made me very sad. It makes life sound hopeless. I know she is Mormon, so she at least gives some sort of nod to some sort of god. But what a sad testament to her “religion”.

It just left me very sad for her and her family.

Because there is hope. The morning does come. I’m not here trying to say that I have everything figured out. Not in the least. But I know there is hope. And life to be had…even after a loss like that. (sudden or prolonged)

I remember the early days after Bub’s diagnosis and many other hard days. I say I remember them and yet I was in a fog and details are sketchy. I know the feeling and the thoughts and the sights and smells often more vividly than details..although I do remember many details I wish I could forget.

Yes, it was horrible…you could even call it a nightmare. But it was also like I was blanketed in something. That something was peace. I know that sounds crazy. And a part of me feels like a fake for saying that, because there were moments that peace was hard to find. Some moments left me struggling with every part of our reality. Those moments were hard, I won’t lie. I would be full of worry and anxiety. And looking around at everything going on filled me with fear.

But then God would draw me back to Himself and I would turn my focus to Him. Not the circumstances. When I focused only on Him and dwelt there, there was peace. And such a beautiful time of growth in Him.

It reminds me of a few sentences I read in Lysa TerKeurst’s book, Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl. It was like putting a huge ah-ha time of my life into words…

Then one day you take off the blanket of deep grief. You fold it neatly and tuck it away. You no longer hate it or resist it. For underneath it wondrous things have happened.

The why questions have been replaced with truths from God's Word. Verses that stung to read at first have now become the very lifeline you cling to. God's presence has fallen softly upon you and helped you see that good can come and will come to you and through you.

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There are days I still take out that blanket. Some days it is to grieve. Again. But other days…most days… when I take it out, it’s to remember all the things God taught me under it. And be thankful.