house thoughts

Been thinking a lot about ‘the new house’…where ever it will be. And whatever it will look like. Unloading the dishwasher and cleaning off counters. I picked out the counter tops myself,  thinking we would be living here “forever”. And now forever might be ending. Everything is in easy reach. I can quickly get the job done in that room. Plenty of storage and counter space and the perfect work triangle. Not fancy by any stretch of the imagination, but it works. And it’s mine.

The workers finished doing some little repairs yesterday. And today I went to Home Depot to buy some paint etc to finish the job myself. A part of me is excited to “move on”. And then another part of me is holding on. Holding on to the comfort of this house. Our house. The house we all lived in. And I know I will carry all of that with me if/when we move, but it’s still hard to think about turning my back on this house. I still see wiggly little bodies when I look in the bathtub. Or a sweet boy curled up for sleep when I look in the office (that was his room). Or the high chair in the corner of the dining room. Even though all of it is long gone.

This is just hard. And the thing that makes it harder is the fact that we can’t find anything we like. I’m just sad. And it doesn’t help that we’re moving ever closer to Bub’s anniversary day. All these moving thoughts combined with remembering and not wanting to forget and yet realizing that every year takes me another year away from all of it.  I realize that some of my memories are fading.

And then I shop for houses.

And I’m in a weird tug of war with my own thoughts.

And yet that life is over. We have moved on. And that is ok.

I know these thoughts are not even from God. He is not the one that wants to hold me captive to emotions and thoughts from the past. I don’t know where I am in everything house related today and I don’t know how to tie this little posty up in a cute little bow either.

This is just where I am today.

I just need to pray and have more of Him in me…especially at this time.