Our sweet Annabelle's last day

On Monday March 20, I was a mess. I knew. I called the vet early but she was busy. She was supposed to call me back around 11 but by God's great grace, she didn't call then but called right after I got home from dropping of my girl for a college class. Dr G said the way she was acting meant her kidneys were failing pretty quickly. She said we could do fluids (and make her miserable because of repeated vet visits) in hopes of buying a little bit more time with her. But I knew from the last time we went to the vet, that she was 'finished'. She had let me know that she was done with interventions. I had been praying that I could keep my mental promise to her. So I declined the interventions and the vet and I both agreed, that this was a very reasonable and merciful time to stop. Tears fell. The vet couldn't get me in until 2pm..or wait until the next day and then she could come to our house. I had wanted to do this at home, but I didn't want to watch her suffer for yet another day. So I told her I would be there at 2pm. And then I cried. I busied myself crying on the phone to a friend but before I knew it, the dreaded time to leave was upon me. So I did my little hunt to find her buried in the folded bedspread on the floor. I folded back the layers to find where she had crawled in..much like many times before. But knowing this time was the last time. This time it broke my heart into a million little pieces. I snuggled her and talked soothingly to her, all the while falling apart on the inside. I could not lose it. I had to drive. So I put her into her kennel easily. Usually she could or would put up quite a stink. On that day, I just set her inside without a fuss. She didn't even cry on the way to the vet. She was so unwell. Bless her heart.

We were quickly ushered to a room and I took the lid off the carrier. I wanted to hold her. But she wasn't having it, so I set the lid back in lace so she wold feel safer. The vet came in ad told me she would be right back. Some techs came in and I signed some papers and answered some questions. Soon the vet came in with the first sedative. She told me she had to give it in the muscle and it was sting a little. It must have because she hissed. Her last parting gift to Dr G. Everyone left the room and I waited and watched. Soon, her head lowered a little bit and her breathing calmed significantly. I started petting her somewhere along the way, trying to soothe her and tell her what I good job she was doing. She purred for me which was a sweet parting gift to me. Soon after, her little head lowered against the carrier. I continued to pet her and tell her I loved her. I took the lid off the carrier at some point to kiss her and be as close to her as I could. (I was a little upset about the idea of holding her at this point, because I knew she was limp.) I pressed my face into her body, taking her in. I kissed her little head and back and rearranged her face so it wasn't pressed against the carrier. I knew it didn't matter but I needed and wanted to care for her and fuss over her, soI did. And then the moment arrived for the vet to come in with the last injection, to be given in the vein. She very gently lifted Annabelle's sedated body out of the carrier and spread her out on her side on a towel. I could see her face and pet her while Dr G administered the drugs in her hind leg. The room was completely still as we watched her, petted her and talked about how beautiful and soft she IS. I enjoyed using the present tense with her in those last moments. I cried and kissed her. After just a couple of minutes, the vet listened under her little tiny chest, and told me she was gone. The vet offered to make a paw impression so we did that and also did some paw prints. I asked for some of her fur, so she went for the clippers and a bag an did that for me. And then she quietly told me I could stay as long as I needed to and slipped out of the room. At this point, I was sobbing. Kissing her all over. Admiring her sweet tiny body. I tried to close her eyes, but they didn't really close. I snuggled and nuzzled around her neck and under her eye (my favorite softest place to kiss her) I wanted to breathe her in and for my skin to memorize the feel of her fur. I got fur all over my chapsticked lips, but didn't care. I kissed her some more. And sobbed.

I knew I had to be aware of the time. And yet I dreaded the thought of walking out the door. I took some pics of her precious little feet as I held them in my hand. Finally I knew it had to be 'time' whether I felt like it was time or not. I went down the hall to tell them I was ready to leave. A tech came in and wrapped up our sweet girl in the towel she was laying on, holding her much like a baby, face side up, just like my hubby did when we gave her steroid pills. I hugged the tech so I could be close to Annabelle one more time before she carried her away..giving her more kisses and looking at her one last time..one last touch. I turned my back and they carried her away. They told me I could pay later and I was so thankful because I was a wreck! After a bit, I went down the hall and gave them all the techs and Dr G a huge hug and thanked them. I didn't want to leave but I knew I had to. I gathered myself and put the carrier back together, placing everything inside the empty carrier for the terrible ride home. A tech walked me to the car so I could give them unopened food for a credit and gave me another huge hug and I was on my way. Heartbroken and somber. I had survived one of the most difficult things I had ever done. We are crushed and so so sad. Many tears. But we are so thankful for her little life and all she meant to us.

Forever loved, sweet kitty girl. Gone but never forgotten.