the questions, part one

Several questions were posed to me recently and I thought I would use this place as a way to answer them for myself.

I grew up in a Baptist church. I was in church my whole life. I remember giving my heart to God and feeling better. Over and over. It felt like a merry-go-round sometimes. I could never figure out 'the key' to getting it to work for me. I watched other people and their relationship with the Father. And sometimes I would even think "I want that". But most of the time, the people looked just like me. Struggling just as much as I was. And yet, like me, covering that with doing and saying all the right things to fit in.

Fast forward a few years. Married with children. Two to be exact. I was struggling. Struggling with motherhood. Nothing dramatic. It's just hard. Can I hear an 'Amen' ladies?! I knew I didn't have the intimacy with God to handle the things that were coming my way. And yet I kept trudging forward. I would pray sometimes when I was real desperate. And yet I think I knew my prayers at that time weren't getting above the ceiling fan. And yet I kept trudging forward.

But at some point I knew I was not right. I began to see things in the Bible that disturbed me to the core. I couldn't shake them. Basically all of Matthew 7, starting at verse 7. These are some of the most umm.. uncomfortable verses in the Bible. And no shock to me, since we try our hardest to stay away from things that bother us, verses I didn't read. But suddenly I was drawn to them over and over. And I couldn't let go of the words. I carried them with me to the grocery store. To take care of my kids. Folding socks. Everything I did. Those words kept coming back.

I knew I had to do something.

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

And so it began.