mixed feelings

Well maybe not mixed feelings, as in, I can't decide one way or the other. But mixed as in, what we see as the good the bad. I have memories of so many things regarding my kids. Ordinary things like brushing their hair and helping them brush their teeth. Beside that is shaving Bubba's head and taking him to his first and only dental appointment before transplant. I have images and pictures of my kids napping in their beds cuddling their beanies and bonkies (blankies). I also have mental images of my son, lifeless, in the middle of the 'rabble' we called it.. all the beanies and bonkies he required each night to sleep in his bed. That image is etched on my brain. I can almost reach out and touch it sometimes. There are many images like that....listening to traffic at the graveside... How can you drive by like that.. my baby died??? on and on.

Those images live peacefully among the mundane thoughts of everyday life with my children. How can it be? I've read of so many others who are haunted by those same type images. I am so thankful those images are there... they remind me of who I am... where I've been and what I've lived through. I am thankful those images haven't broken me, in the sense of making me useless to my family or my surviving child. But they have broken my heart and made it more tender to the Father in a unique way. So I guess I am thankful for those mixed feelings. Life mingled with death. Joy with pain. Happiness and normalcy with the memory of 'another life' unlike this one.

And there will be 'Another Life' unlike this one ahead. Wow! : )