unfinished business

Today is the first day of school. I'm sort of rattling around the house in the quiet. Not too sure what to do with myself. Well, I did know what to do with myself....

...so I was standing there in Hobby Lobby blinking back tears. I think the weight of what I didn't get to take care of in April had been buried under the surface for months. Summer came and I attended to being Boo's mom and doing the normal stuff. And yet the thought of what I had not done yet was festering.

I missed putting flowers on Bub's grave in April at his death anniversary date. So there I was in Hobby Lobby.

Every time I pick, I pick something different. I walk in and begin this little conversation inside my head... what's it gonna be this time? What color? What kind? And so it goes. I always pick something different. I've chosen bluebonnets, red roses, yellow roses, spring mixes...you name it, it's been there. Today? I picked... well, I guess they would be called winter white roses. They're sort of cream colored. I loved them.

I almost didn't go. It rained yesterday. But the sun comes out periodically today. I was worried about mud. I hate going on messy days. But I knew it would be ok. When he died, it rained in the days before he was buried, but then it was pretty that day. Mud wasn't a problem. So I knew it would be ok. I have experience. Sad, isn't it?

I did my usual. I picked up the sticks and things that end up on his marker. I replaced the flowers. The old ones were waaaay sad. I felt bad. But life just kept happening in April and I kept getting sick and it just never happened and then school let out for the summer. I like to look at his marker. The butterflies on it are perfect. He loved those. I always stand there and read the words under his name.

August 27, 1997 - April 5, 2002

A beloved one, taken from us, but also from

life full of sicknesses and cancer to Life with God

in heaven that is too wonderful to imagine. The struggle

of the cocoon is over...he is free!

I smiled and walked away.

time

School starts tomorrow! My thoughts are so scrambled, I can't even figure out how to write a post these days. There is just so much on my mind. It's a new school for us. A new grade. New experiences all the way around for she and I both. My baby is growing up.

Time is moving way too fast!

*sniff sniff*

afternoon at the gardens

Saturday it wasn't near has hot as it's been lately. So we decided to head out to our city's public gardens. It's so easy to forget I'm right in the middle of town at the gardens. It really is an urban oasis.
Isn't it gorgeous? So lush and green. It was hard to believe it's been so hot lately when everything is so beautiful. This is my favorite pic of the day. I put it on my desktop!
And there was 'wildlife' too. This little guy wasn't a bit afraid of people. I was in arm's reach of him when I snapped this shot. He was sitting near a fish food dispenser and nibbling on the leftovers. I think I took more pics of the squirrel than I did the landscapes! But he was a cutie!
Boo enjoyed feeding the fish. They could really stir the waters when little pieces of fish food were tossed in. Wow! Survival of the fittest! But amazing... so pretty ... so diverse in color.
We saw this little guy too. Don't know what kind of turtle he is. But he wasn't tiny. We noticed while I was taking the water pics that there were little bitty baby fish swimming in the water too. TONS of them. Some little kids were leaning in trying to catch them. Too funny.

We had a really nice day. It was nice to get out and walk around. Of course, this entailed being 'in nature', which isn't exactly up Boo's alley! She did NOT catch any little baby fish.

Can you say City Girl? I knew you could! : )

germs and the lazy cook

You don't have to know me more than say.... one second.. to realize I'm a germaphobe! I carry sanitizer in my purse. I have wipes in the car for after I pump gas. I clean off the steering wheel after I get the oil changed and other hands have been at my wheel. I could go on and on.

But nowhere is my germaphobe-y-ness more obvious than in the kitchen. I've always been very conscious of cleaning up after the dreaded raw meat etc. But when my kitchen became a post bone marrow transplant kitchen, things went into overdrive. If I cleaned it good before... I had to be hyper vigilant at that time.

And I never stopped. "Why?" you ask. Because it makes good sense for my family to keep surfaces clean and free of contaminates.

But when mealtime rolls around, sometimes all I can think about it the fact that I'm tired. Does it change how I prepare or clean up after the meal? Not one bit. But some nights it's real hard to stay with it, especially when we have a 'late dinner' which we're prone to do since sometimes Daddyman doesn't get home until 6:30 or later! ugh.

By then, my thoughts are on getting done and sitting down like the lazy slob I am elsewhere. Which brings me to my big 'ah-ha' moment I had yesterday in regards to getting some things out of the way and done with before the end of the day bla's set in. We were having a chicken thing with tenders that needed to be cut in bite sized pieces before cooking in a pan etc. So I did the cutting and put my chicken in a plastic container... being very careful about germs and keeping all the nasties on the INside on the container etc. And then I could clean up all the mess and clean out the sink and be done with it.

Later last night, I opened my chicken container, dumped, sauted and "TA-DA!"... I didn't have to mess with the icky chicken stuff during crunch time. I was so happy with how it turned out when I did it yesterday, I did it again today. I was practically giggling under my breath at my own stupidity for being the last one on the planet to figure out something so obvious brilliance!

don't be mad

I've heard people talk about when they're mad at God. One thing they all say is God is big enough to handle it. That always makes me sad. Yes, I guess in some ways, He can. But it hurts Him. He grieves for them when they don't reach out to Him during their darkest hour. He is there. He wants to take their hand and hold them. But instead they turn their back and with a stuff upper lip declare their anger.

The very thing most of these people want is healing. A broken heart that needs repair. Anger is a secondary emotion. It comes from something else. Many times it comes after being "let down" by God. But by turning their back on Him, they turn away from the ONLY thing that can really heal a broken heart. And then get mad at Him all over again because they can't progress or feel better or whatever the resolution is. And then they blame Him for that too.

Yes, God is big enough to 'handle' their anger, but He's also big enough to take it away and replace it with joy and peace and more love for Him in the process.

I know this to be true. I had to decide if I was going to be mad at God for some things, or go ahead and have a relationship with Him and continue on even though my "story" wasn't coming together the way I had written it. I chose Him. I chose not to be angry. Sad sometimes, yes. But not angry.

In Matthew 5 it says that "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Let Him! "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." He wants to fill us and satisfy that gnawing hunger we have with Himself! "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." What a promise!

Be hungry. Be filled. Let Him do it. He will.

the usual

Hi. My name is Kay and I have a problem! A chapstick problem. Well.. to be more accurate... an Avon Care Deeply Lip Balm problem. If I had to find one simple thing I use on a daily basis that would really impact my life if it disappeared, it would be this. This stuff is amazing. It's light and smooth. Not overly scented. Very moisturizing.

Love. It. Keep it in my purse, by the computer, by the bed and in a drawer in the family room. Love. It.

My Avon lady knows when I call her that I need my usual dozen. It's just about the only thing I order. So I just give her a call and tell her I'll have 'the usual'. Here they are...all my little buddies lined up in a row! (and keeping them company...some little samples of lipstick)

finding rest today

I am beginning to feel the stress of the coming school year... and it hasn't even started yet. I pulled out the backpack I shoved into the back of the closet so we wouldn't have to look at it for three months. I also dragged out the lunch box, locker shelf and gym bag. I can't deny it any longer....

it's time!

And yet it's not. School hasn't started yet. And I've been walking around with the weight of the world on me like she's just been assigned a million page essay due tomorrow and we haven't even heard the first bell yet! Crazy, huh?!

Since I went away for the weekend, I've felt like I didn't have anything to blog. (like my normal nonsense is so wonderful. haha) So I was re-reading some of my entries. I guess I was trying to get back in the groove or something. But I'm glad I did. I heard the word from God I needed to hear....

and it came from my own "lips". Actually, I know it came from God because I knew He was truly writing through me that day. So I'm thankful to God for speaking to me today. Abide. Come to me and lay all your fuss and worry down and I will give rest to your soul. Abide. Thank you, thank you!