homemade vs 'in the wrapper'

I bought groceries today.. otherwise known as emptying the bank account! I just about had a heart attack. Evvvverything is going up! I guess with all the gas woes right now...its all hitting the fan!

Today's bill was probably the highest bill I've ever had at the grocery store. Like I said, I just about died! I didn't buy a lot of 'special stuff'..after all, its not Thanksgiving or anything. But I got some cough medicine ($12) and more fresh veggies than my crisper drawer will hold. I can't even put a price on that. Disclaimer: the bell peppers were on sale CHEAP, but I bought a ton of them. Now I just need to get them eaten before they go bad. haha!

But the biggest kicker for me is the packaged stuff... you know.. the snacks! The chips, ice cream, cookies and those 'low fat' twinkie things that are two boxes of tiny cupcakes for $6...yes... SIX BUCKS! crazy. I can buy a cake mix and low fat it down and put a smidge of icing on it and get a bigger cupcake and the same amount of icing and it would cost waaaay less! But guess what... my family won't eat it! (I guess I'll know if hubby reads my blog today if he mentions this one, huh?!) If I home make something, for the most part, it just gets stared at...muffins, quick breads etc. But lets put it in a wrapper and they are THERE, ya know? Maybe the grocery bill today will make them rethink the current situation. But I just about got sick today. Even if he doesn't read the ole' bloggy, we'll be having a discussion about this. I don't think we can afford all the snacky snack stuff and all the essentials too... the way the prices are going!

On a different note.. The Boo has been spreading the love... er... germs! I came down with her Boo-giness's cold. ugh! And having asthma doesn't help! Its so not fun being awake all night unable to breathe. I hope I turn the corner soon. All I want to do is cradle my Kleenex box (ONLY the ones with lotion.. that is one thing we will NOT scrimp on! You gotta have priorities!) and sit in the rocking chair. I did that over the weekend, but we like to eat, so I ventured out to walk the isles of my wonderful, lovely "K".

Hopefully, tomorrow I will turn the corner and be able to breathe. In the meantime, I've got veggies to prep and twinkies to eat!

so precious

I was reading through the Psalms (in order!) in the mornings during the last months of Bubba's life. I did not get to read my Psalm for the morning of the 5th, as we were tied up with dealing with things and phone calls etc. So my morning reading on April 6 came as quite a shock to me. My reading for the 5th would have been Psalm 116. Little did I know what this Psalm held for me on this particular morning... so much of it spoke directly to me!

vs 5 "Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes our Lord is compassionate." Yes, the Father was truly compassionate with us and with our son. He suffered little compared to what we were told to expect. His passing even came as a shock to his doctors and hospice workers because it was so quick! Evvvvveryone was expecting something long and horrendous. Well, thankfully, God had another plan!

vs 7-9 "Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For you have rescued my soul from death, My eyes from tears, My feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living." I love that... He wants to rescue us from the grips of death...even in the midst of the 'valley of the shadow of death' He wants us to 'walk before the Lord in the land of the living'!

But the best was yet to be.... vs 15 says "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones." This verse just blew me away! I had read through Psalms before but never noticed this verse before. Precious... I had to be still and let all of that settle in. This was sad to me.. and yet its precious to God? I had not thought of that before....the way God sees a home going. I had thought of that word in regards to myself as an adult, when I finally could see myself as precious in His sight, but then to put that word with losing our son was hard. But quickly I began to see his death in a new light... something precious to God... something beautiful and holy and purposeful and sweet. It was like a personal message from the Father just for *me* to make double-double sure that I knew that our little one was safe in His arms! I could not have timed this or planned it in any way... so amazing and so precious to me!

on this day

Wow. Its been a long time. Six years ago today, our little one went to be with Jesus. He has been gone longer than we had him. Sometimes that thought is a little shocking to me. I look out the windows today and see the sun shining and the grass growing and its a beautiful day, just like it was six years ago. By the time we dealt with the physical reality of his leaving us, we had the whole day to ourselves...except for the phone ringing. I remember we ate out, but weren't hungry. I also remember going to the city library...for what, I have no idea. I just remember the library. And how odd it was to just take care of one child. Boo had just turned seven three weeks before, so she still needed assistance every now and then. But still, it was very odd, to go from having to buckle two kids into car seats, and pack a bag and everything else, to just walk out the door, in an eerily carefree manner. That was mainly what we experienced that day. Just the strangeness of our new 'normal'. It would take quite a while to be comfortable with it... sometimes were aren't sure that we are, even now.. other times, its strange how normal it really is. You feel sad when you feel one thing and bad when you feel another. Just a strange day. I am thankful for the weather being pretty today. It's so special to me that his home going day was a pretty one... one brimming with new life and the hope of spring. Praise God!

Mark 10:14-15
"But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."

the last day

We lost our son on April 5, 2002, but really April 4 was his last day. We exhausted all our medical options in the fall of '01 after chemo, surgery, radiation and a transplant were unsuccessful. Sometimes people ask me about this time of year. Its hard to put into words sometimes. this is 'anniversary week' and so many thoughts wash over me at this time every year. There are many memories... sad and yet so precious. He was a sick little boy and we spent his last week not knowing when 'the end' would come. It hurt so bad to know that he hurt and I couldn't make it all go away. All I could do was pray. It's a very helpless and hopeless situation, if it weren't for God's grace day by day. So on the night of the 4th, we watched him and talked to him and played with him and enjoyed what little time we had left together. Sometimes he would smile and jabber and be silly and other times he would just lay on the couch watching tv. The Boo and I were sitting on the couch with him and just talking and telling him we loved him. It is a precious thought to me even now.. that time spent doing nothing in particular... just looking at him and all of us being together. In my mind I was wondering how many nights we would be repeating this process 'just in case'.

After taking a bath, and putting some meds on via a patch, Daddy and I and Bubba snuggled up in his bed and Daddy started reading bedtime stories to him, as was the nightly custom. We would always read books and then Bible stories to him. He had several favorite books and we of course, had to read the story that had the butterflies in it.. butterflies had become a favorite thing of his...especially one 'gween one' he always pointed out to us. But we always finished with things about God. The last story my hubby read was about the little children coming to Jesus. I can remember putting my head against the safety rail on his bed and crying... for me, for us, for him and finally because of what that story 'meant' to us that night.. that Bubba was going to be with Jesus soon! Perhaps very soon! I soon began to realize Bubba quite possibly was going to be with Jesus and released from His pain before morning. That brought more tears! He drifted off into a deep, deep sleep and went into a coma very quickly and slipped away from us and into the arms of Jesus around 4am on April 5th. Praise God!

the road ahead

Little did we know when we expanded our family from just one child, Boo, to our son, Bubba, what the road ahead held for us. He had health problems from the 'git go' as they say. He came home from the hospital on meds and took a med for one thing or another for the rest of his life! Just about the time we felt like things were leveling out and we could begin to see into the future without so many meds and inhalers etc, we got the shocking news in Jan 'o1 that he had cancer. And not just any cancer.. one of the nastiest that the childhood cancer 'world' can offer! 'They' said he had little 'chance' to survive... between 5 and 15%. Very scary! I learned early on not to pay close attention to 'the odds' because they were stacked against us. This was one of those times I had to just draw near to God and be still and listen. He had so much to say during those dark days. Giving hope when the doctors said it was pretty much hopeless....stamina when my body and mind just wanted to run away from the life we were forced into by his diagnosis... faith when all I could see before me was 'death' and not the 'laughing, playing, very much alive little toddler' I still had at my feet... strength to do 'what had to be done' sometimes - the ability to shave my own son's head (well, hubby did it, but I had to come to the place to agree with it first!), hold him down for pokes... I could go on and on. The road was one I had not anticipated but one He has used to make me who I am today and for that I am thankful.

Boo is for boogers!

The Boo is sick! She's got a cold.. or allergies.. I think its a cold. And just generally not feeling so hot right now. Doing lots of nose wiping and sniffing and icky stuff like that. I was thinking the other day about a pic I have of her about 10 months old. She had rotavirus (nasty pukey diarrhea thing.. hideous!!!) and was at the pedi hospital getting IV fluids as she was super dehydrated... they had to put an IV in her HEAD because by the time her pedi FINALLY decided she was sick enough to be admitted (and we called her earlier than she had told us to and just said WE'RE GOING and for her to call the hospital for us!) almost all her veins had collapsed. Anyway.. she looked BAD... (I kinda laugh at that thought now, having seen what 'bad' *really* looks like.. but 'to that point in our lives' she looked bad).. and I wanted to take her picture to document how crummy she was feeling.. had not sat up in bed for a day.. just laying there all lethargic and droopy eyed etc. Well I turn on the camera and she pops up on one knee (she was in a metal, hospital baby bed) and peeks over the rail with her little 'two-tooth' grin! What a stinker. But that is her... most of the time that is her disposition... SMILE! :-D But she bounces back pretty quick from things most of the time. So I hope she's back to her usual, silly self soon! I don't like sick kids of any kind. I've seen too much of it for any mom to ever have to endure... and I know there are those that have seen worse than us. Too sad! Get well, little Boo!

What has happened?

What has happened to the Sabbath? Life goes on day in and day out including Sundays. We've gone from the Blue Law to the Christian book store being open in between services. And Christians who have an inkling of an idea of trying to observe the Sabbath are caught in the middle. In the middle of 'hey, lets go out to eat after church'... or 'the birthday party at the loud, recreation complex is on Sunday, can she come?'... or even more subtle... 'I am tired and don't feel like cooking tonight'. So what is the Christian family to do? How can we reclaim this Holiest of days? How can we observe, what is for the most part, inside the church, lost? If I say anything about not doing this or not doing that on Sunday among my church going friends, I get strange looks. Strangely people who do not go to church seem to 'understand' more than those who do. Why is that???

Isaiah 58:12-14
13"If because of the sabbath, you turn your foot From doing your own pleasure on My holy day, And call the sabbath a delight, the holy day of the LORD honorable, And honor it, desisting from your own ways, From seeking your own pleasure And speaking your own word, 14Then you will take delight in the LORD, And I will make you ride on the heights of the earth; And I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father, For the mouth of the LORD has spoken." (italics mine)

Why isn't doing what pleases God a delight...in this matter or any other? Lord help us find our delight in You!