still kickin'

 I can't believe its been over a year since I sat here and typed in this little square. But here I am. :) 

It's been a year. Lots of things. 

Working on getting my girl healthier. Hashimotos is no joke. That one could be a full time job.

We had some pretty spendy plumbing work done. And will now need to get our whole front yard reworked as well as some garden beds and all the sprinklers etc too. 

We haven't been anywhere really. No vacations to speak of.

I've done some quilting. I really think that is my therapy. I can sit and focus on all the stitches and doing everything I need to do to make something pretty and there is no room in my brain for any other thoughts or worries. I really like that. lol 

Oh yes..one super fun thing is we got our back patio screened in and we love it. Thankful we could enjoy it some before the death of summer hit us. This year just seems more miserable than usual. How is that even possible? Ugh. So many days over 100. 

Here is my quilt. It's called Layer Cake Lucy and it was super fun to make. I love the large scale print on the back and I hand bound it. About killed my thumb and finger but it was so worth it. 

My view from the new patio. I love the rug. We got it at Home Depot. Haven't found comfy lounge chairs yet but I love this poof at got at Walmart (Dave and Jenny Mars collections). 

This little thing makes all our days. She is a sweet funny little ray of sunshine that we didn't know we needed so badly. We all love her. :)

Those are the high points. :) I'm sure there are other things but I just wanted to hop on and say 'hi'. So..hi! I hope you are all doing well and maybe I will try to get back to this more if I have the time and feel like I have enough to say. Hugs, friends. 

it was cold

 So you probably heard about the horrible weather in Texas. I will let you know that indeed it was cold..very cold for this warm weather loving Texas girl. 

We were hearing about rolling black outs and we went all day with the power on. I cooked dinner on the stove (all electric house) and I thought we might skate by without losing power. I was chatting with a friend at 6:45pm...and it happened. Everything went black and the power stayed off. There was nothing rolling. It was just off. It was too early to go to bed. So we just got the candles going and curled up under our blankets. We dripped faucets etc in hopes of not having our pipes burst. 

The next morning it was still stupid cold outside...like 4. And we had no power. We were so miserable. It only got down to about 50 in our house but it felt much colder. We were just so chilled. I couldn't cook anything or make anything warm because we are all electric. So we decided we would try to go for a drive in the car to warm up. It had snowed pretty heavily (for us) but the 'big roads' around us were decently clear and we could drive. So we drove around and got warm then found a restaurant open and got some warm food. But then it was time to go home, which we all dreaded.

But when hubs walked in the house to go back out and open the garage door manually, he saw that our power was restored. And praise the heavens, the heat was on and the house was no longer miserable. So hubs tried to get some work done and I was dealing with some lingering issues from the power being off etc. Then I heard it.. a loud pop and loud running water. Then I saw it...water coming from under our dishwasher. I started yelling at my husband to turn the water off at the curb...he was already headed down there as hearing water in the wall is never a good sign, even if its not all over the kitchen floor. So he got it shut off and we started cleaning up the water and soaked about ten towels with water mopping up the water.  Thankfully we kept the water contained to the kitchen...instead of the new LVP flooring we just put in a couple years ago.  

We were due another round of the nasty weather that night but I also had the plumber coming. I knew if he couldn't make it to our house before the next round of bad weather, we would have to go a day or two without water. So we were able to find some bottled water at a gas station and I had my hubby get us a 5 gal bucket and some extra cat litter..so we could all use a bathroom without needing water. AWK. Thankfully they came and got the leak repaired, so we had water. And our power only went off once more for about 45 minutes.

Thursday of last week, we got the rest of the repair done, the wall patched etc and I finally have everything put back where it goes. No dishwasher in the middle of the kitchen floor. All my bottles etc that go under the sink are put back now. 

In the middle of all the other chaos,  we had a boil water notice for a day. So it seemed like every time we had our situation figured out, we had to start over again. We both had decision fatigue after this fiasco was over. And I also had moments of looking at the weather forecast and knowing it wasn't going to be above freezing for several more days and wondering how long we were going to be without water and power. Almost all of our pipes froze but miraculously only the one in the kitchen broke. I had prepared for us to be 'in' all week but not to be without water or power. So my meal planning utterly failed and that was a bit tricky also.  I'm not gonna lie...I was a bit concerned about how we would stay warm if our power out continued for days. It was scary, stressful and so tiring. 

So thankful for warmer days and beautiful sunshine! 

Remember me?

 Hi all. It's been a minute...or a year..or so. 

I thought I would give a little mini update. Things are chugging along here..just living life corona-style. Which isn't all that exciting. Thankfully we are all healthy and have not been bitten by the covid bug. 

My health is good. I had a scare which was either a lab error or something going seriously amiss. I worked my tail off hitting all the anti-cancer stuff and got my labs redrawn a few weeks later, and they were amazing and have continued to be perfect. So yay for that. Very scary time for our little fam though.

I've been sewing! I made a couple more quilts. A simple one for a family in need. I heard about a little boy with the same cancer that took our little one. I was heartbroken so I made a quilt for them. 

It was a fun, quick quilt. A got the top done in a day. The simple quilting and binding took a few more days, and then it was off in the mail. I enjoyed making something for a stranger to help brighten their day. 

I also made a quilt for the girl. Its so stinking cute. 

It's KITTIES. I had so much fun making this. 

I had it long arm quilted by a lady here in town and she did such a great job. The quilt pattern is little paw prints and it just finishes it out so nicely. I decided to make a pillow sham out of the scraps. So cute. 

It's kitty approved...wait what? Yep..we have a little kitty. We love her.

 

She was a super fun surprise we didn't expect..but now we aren't sure what we would do without her. She is a lot of fun and a welcome distraction from all this covid mess. 

Blogger was a total bear uploading pics. Not very fun. But it was fun to come on and say hi. I hope you are all doing well and staying healthy.

Hugs, friends! 

It's finished!

I finished my quilt Sunday. I put the sewing machine away and cleaned up the dining room. Praise be! I was so ready to do that.

And then I finished finished it on Monday. Meaning I soaked (to get all the markings off) and washed my quilt and stitched up the little corners so they are held together completely secure.

But it was a journey to get there. I think I alluded to the binding being a booger bear in my last post. After that post, I finally just decided I hated the binding and wasn't happy with the look of it. It was not pretty and I knew I could do better.




So rip rip rip..pick pick pick.



Yes, I ripped out the binding that was about 2/3 complete. That means I ripped out thread almost all the way around my quilt TWICE. Cuz I'm fun like that. Actually it was more relaxing than sewing. I watched a movie and propped my feet up on the coffee table.

I had watched a video of an alternate method to put in binding and had just tucked that away and kind of forgotten about it. Basically instead of equal parts of binding on the front and back and trying to always catch the binding on the back when you're top stitching it on the front (see my pic above when I could not keep things in line..among other probs!), you intentionally offset it so on the back it just looks like a line of quilting that nobody will ever pay any attention to. But I had to test it out first on a scrap quilt 'sandwich'. I liked it!



So in one day I was able to just get the whole new binding put in. It was start and stop and I took some breaks, but I could do it in a day rather than working and working (and crying) and not getting anywhere with a decent result with the 'traditional method' which just is not in my wheel house.



See..offset. More color on the front (yellow) and a thinner line of red on the back (white) and that extra little line of 'quilting' right beyond it. That method is brilliant. So. much. EASIER.



And here it is all laundered and crinkly. All the heart eyes!

And just so ya know, tiny red threads are the new cat hair around here. I've swept and mopped and dusted and I still find tiny red threads from ripping out the binding. It makes me smile because instead of looking at the defeat of ripping it out, I know there was victory of actually putting in a very nice looking binding and being happy with it. Yes!

imperfections

I"m still working on my quilt. I'm about a little over half way finished with the machine quilting. I have done all the seams going across the quilt, and now I am doing all the ones going up and down. A seam on each side of the 'ditch", where pieces come together.



I have kept working for another week from the beginning of this writing and now I am half way done sewing on the binding. I have sewn it on, but then I have to fold it around to the front of the quilt and sew it down all the way around, finishing the edge and encasing all the raw edges.

Y'all.

It's been a thing.

All along the way,  all I could think about was the next project. What do I want to make next? Maybe the cat block or one called the two step. I couldn't decide.

This week I've really been pushing to get this project across the finish line. I am excited but also beginning to be burned out a little bit. This is the largest sewing project I have ever taken on (hmm except for maybe all the lined curtains in my house lo a many years ago when I felt young and fresh and crawling around on the floor measuring and pinning was no big woop).

Well friends...I think I am old. I'm ready to get my dining room back and not have decor shoved aside so I can pile sewing boxes and piles of do-dads everywhere. I'm over it.

And another thing is that the struggle is real putting on a binding. It kicked my tail when I made the class projects but I wondered if it was because the angles were wonky and there weren't any true actual 90* corners. But I am on the struggle bus again with this piece that has regular corners and it is really annoying. Three of the corners are perfect or close to perfect and the fourth one had to be messed with and picked out and resewn a smidge just to make it okay.

so. bummed.

But ya know what, it really is ok. I'm not entering it into any quilt fairs. I'm just cuddling up with it on the couch. And after it gets washed, it will be super crinkly and yummy anyway.

I hate that one corner that doesn't measure up to what I wanted it to be..which is far below what a pro would call perfect. My perfect. But I will smile and know I did my best for my first real piece and love it forever and like it for always.



My grandmother pieced this sailboat quilt,  probably when she was younger than I am now.  It was just a pieced top at the time of her passing and my aunt quilted it for me and gave it to me as a wedding gift. Do you want to know what I noticed recently? An imperfection! I have had this quilt since 1991 and noticed that one boat has upside down sails a few weeks ago.

And so my little quilt with a less than perfect mitered corner (and quite a few other little hiccups) will be just fine.

from scrappy to happy #anactualquilt

I decided shortly after I finished both of my table runners that I really did want to make a quilt.

Like really.

I have been watching youtube videos etc and had made a few decisions. I wanted something pretty 'scrappy'. I wanted to be able to make a block and if I messed it up, no big deal. Because it would just 'go' and not be all matchy matchy. I felt like that gave me permission to mess up and not be utterly stressed out about it.

Because y'all...quilt fabric is pricy! I am so used to the fabric at Hobby Lobby and it always being on sale etc and this is whole new experience.

Side note...quilt fabric is pretty much the Cadillac of cotton sewing fabric..more fibers per inch etc which makes for a much better end product. Now you know...because I sure didn't.

I watched a video by Jenny Doan...who I am obsessed with, by the way..she is just such a cute lady and she makes it look like you really can do it. Well I saw a video on 'tiny houses' and I was hooked. I grabbed some scraps and tried to make one.




Success! I loved it. But I didn't have a ton of scraps laying around so I invested in some. I bought some cute fat quarters and a few grab bags of scraps at some local quilt shops. And commenced to making a few more houses.

And then it hit me...I have to make way over 100 of these for a throw sized quilt.

*insert the bug eyed emoji here*

And I know myself well enough that it was going to turn into a negative experience and I didn't want that. Because I really did/do want a quilt that I made myself..that I can snuggle up on the couch with.

So! Change of plans.

I remembered a pattern I had pinned months ago..'in case' I ever made a quilt. It's a SIMPLE four patch with a larger square next to it and that is repeated for the entire quilt. An easy beginner pattern, which the tiny houses were not. I went back to my favorite of the three shops and asked for help and showed them my fabric pieces. And then looked around and found the cutest fabric that coordinated pretty well with it, for the big squares.



I got started making squares.





(that is how the back of a perfect four patch looks..with a tiny four patch in the middle that distributes the bulk very well)



And before long, my top was finished. Verrrry scrappy. It's not a pretty quilt, by all the fancy standards, but its beautiful to me because I made it. :)

I really was wishing I could have sent my top up a flag pole or something...LOOKIE AT WHAT I DID ALL BY MYSELF. I'm such a dork but I was so happy I made it 'that far', because honestly I wasn't sure if I could do it.

But I did. :)

I went back to the cute little shop and found backing fabric that is in the same line as my yellow squares..and its got little squares all over it which to me seemed perfect for my humble little scrappy only a 'mother' could love, quilt.




Isn't it cuuuute? And the red peaking out on the right side, is the binding. It matches my red small squares perfectly.

I got my back ready, and then pin basted it and started quilting on my almost 30 year old BASIC Kenmore sewing machine (with a walking foot). I am straight line quilting on both sides of my seams etc so it will be a square double line grid all over. Again..simple.



I sent that photo to a friend and she said it looked like my quilt was trying to eat my sewing machine. Pretty accurate. It was overwhelming at first and I just wasn't sure it would even be possible for me to quilt on my 'regular' sewing machine. But I found a you tube video showing how to do it and it really hasn't been that bad. Tedious but not hard. I am working from the center out and have quilted half of it, going across. I have the other half and then both halves going up and down.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.



(blue lines drawn on seams so I can keep track of where to sew)

I think it's going to turn out cute and I am falling more and more in love with my little ugly duckling quilt.

touching my toe into the waters #quilting

I have always been amazed by quilts. I have a baby quilt that was made for me by my grandmother. I used it and even carried it on car trips etc until it started to fray and now it lives on my quilt rack. I have a few that were my mother's and I was given a quilt my grandmother pieced and my aunt quilted as a wedding present.

I love quilts. The patterns.  Stars, stripes, bear claws,  squares, triangles..and a bunch of other shapes I don't know the names of. The colors. Every color in the rainbow.  The fabrics. Everything from quilting fabric to well, feed sacks and old clothes, way back when. Quilting has come a long way. 

But quilts are intimidating. I always looked at other's creations with all the heart eyes..and a little bit of jealousy if I am just being honest.

I recently noticed that a local sewing machine and quilt shop has beginner quilting classes...what are the odds? LOL So I decided to sign up. I had to wait a couple of weeks from when I signed up to actually go to my class and I was so antsy and excited.

My first class was last Tuesday and my second class was day before yesterday. Next Tuesday is the last class. (we will come on another day to bind our quilt after we complete the quilting on our own).
The teacher is the sweetest and so is her helper. There are six of us in the class and four of us are left handed. I am used to being the minority, so that has been kind of funny.

The project we are all doing is a table runner. A very doable first project with lots of opportunity to learn different blocks and some beginner technique.

My first cuts and pieces. This was created on our first night.




This is the background fabric...it has bluebonnets on it. Those are the state flower of Texas and they have my heart big time.


And this is my almost completed top. I could not believe we made so much progress in two evenings.


I am so proud of it. I hope I don't get stuck and unable to finish. So far it has gone together so well and the teacher is so encouraging that it makes me feel like I really can do it. :)

I knew that week to week I would forget what we learned so I grabbed some fabric at Hobby Lobby to make another one so I could reinforce it all in my mind. I am just as excited about that one as the official class one. And if it actually turns out, it will be a gift so that is fun.

Such pretty colors!



Squares done but I can't remember how to square them up. So I will carry them to class next week and let her show me again. And then I can sew on the sashing. And do whatever else we learn next week.




I don't see me becoming a super fancy quilter but I am excited to perhaps create a few simple projects that are useful and pretty. So fun. Even an old dog like me can maybe learn a new trick. :)

perspective

There has been a lot going on lately at Chateau Notes. Life happens. And sometimes it is messy and hard. (we are fine...just normal stuff)

Recently we purchased new floors. Buy buy Bye-bye carpet and hello looks like wood vinyl planks. (Cali Bamboo LVP). I chose Cali because they are a pretty clean product with ultra low VOCs and that is important to me. But what an ordeal!

We spent about two weeks moving as much as we could to our dining room and kitchen..and even our extra bathtub..stack stack stack. It was crazy. But our installer called us dream clients because we did so much of the work for him. :) They ripped out all the old carpet..dust dust dust flying everywhere. GROSS. And they got busy installing our new floors. It took three days. We stayed two nights in a hotel.

And then we came home to a dusty dirty post reno MESS. But I couldn't get the floors looking clean. Major struggle bus. I think I figured out my problem today and used a different cleaner and they seem much prettier today..but its cloudy and dark out and I need a sunny day to know for sure.

But this whole thing along with a few other things going on, had me flaring with my breathing problems and just generally annoyed at life. Sometimes the everyday funk just gets me down, ya know?

I was scrolling and generally feeling sorry for myself when I stumbled upon a video from a local news personality. I knew she had breast cancer just three years ago. And then had a handful of 'state of the art' surgeries to rebuild her chest. Her latest video was announcing that she had metastatic breast cancer.  Her clock is ticking.

Y'all.

I had to stop and pray. And thank God that I feel great and can do things like left heavy furniture and boxes and that I'm dealing with everyday life..and not dealing with mortality.

It's hard to get flustered about smudges on floors when I could be fighting even harder for my life than I currently do.

So today I mopped my floors..again...with a new perspective. And Hope that goes beyond a better floor cleaner. 

Romans 15:13 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (italics mine)

on contentment

A few years back we thought about selling our house. But we never found something we liked. And then I got sick. So yeah..that was that.

Fast forward some years and we are thinking about it again. We need a little more space. Our daughter, while grown, isn't going anywhere. And we could use a tad more space.

I think about what I want style wise and I get overwhelmed. I look at my own house and begin to dream about all the ways I could change it.

But to what?

I started following a lot of home decor instagrammers. It just kinda happened. I followed Layla at The Lettered Cottage forever as a blogger and then followed her on insta. I guess she was the 'gateway drug' to many more decor accounts. But the funny thing is, their houses are all but identical. I'm not saying they are exactly alike, because they certainly aren't. But they have some serious similarities. And then I look around at my house, not looking a lick like any of them.

And I get restless.

My walls aren't gray. My cabinets aren't painted white. I don't have dark hardwood floors. I don't have hardwood floors at all. I don't have white slip covers. I don't have neutral, muted, soothing tones all over my house. And it was really getting to me. I kept thinking about going for 'the fixer upper look'.

But then I remembered what I have been saying for a long time about Fixer Upper...even though I totally adore Chip and Joanna, there is no way I could live in a black and white house. I need more color than a basket of apples or a vase of flowers. That is not a pop of color in my world.

So I am learning to look around my house and be content with I see. To be thankful for our house. It isn't photo ready or all grays and whites. It isn't 'all of the things', at all. But it is us. It has 'friendly yellow'..yes thats the actual color name..walls. And I love them. I have a dark red chenille couch..and I love it. I have simple antiques and things I have collected over time that mean so much to me. I made the curtains in my living areas..deep red with flowers and red, yellow, green and blue checks too. And I love those too.

I am so thankful that I have taken a pause from drooling over all things insta and looked around my own house and realized I don't need gray walls and white cabinets and wood floors and all of the things, for my house to be 'just so'.

It already is. Because it's mine and it was lovingly curated over many years. And I don't plan on changing it anytime soon. And that's good.

Be content today, friends. :)

wild man's happy ending

Boys Will Be Boys

Dudley the kitty was (happy ending..just hold on) pretty rowdy. As in completely crazy. I have several friends with kitties and I was forever asking them if any cat they knew of ever (fill in the blank) and the answer was always a resounding NO. He didn't like to get in boxes, but he liked to eat them. He ripped my soft sided sauna and swung from its rafters like a cat on the flying trapeze. Freaked the hubs out when that happened. He got on top of my kitchen cabinet..he wasn't always a great hop, so he was scratching to pieces one of the cabinet doors. Fun. Times.  He was addicted to food so he started waking me up for breakfast around 4:30am. Ya know what I don't want to do at 4:30am? Be awaked by a cat. Ya know what annoys a cat at 4:30am...a 'mom' that's not dosing up the vittles. He hung from the window toppers in our bedroom one night. And knocked every component off our little tv table beside our dresser...vcr, roku box etc..on the reg. He was ruining all the rugs in the whole house. And every afghan too. I could not keep him off the counters when I cooked which was very hard. And I was terrified he was going to jump in the oven. I'm not even kidding. The weirdest thing he did though was lose his ever loving mind for about 20-30 minutes every day...that is when he would do super charged things like jump on top of the frig..from the floor. It was insane. He would run full force into WALLS.  I can't even describe all the things he did. Just too many.

Attack Cat

The thing that was the most disturbing was the attacks. Often times when I was sitting up in bed, he would get this wild look on his face and I had about a half a second to protect myself. Which is hard to do sitting up in bed. I was attacked on the face and head more than once. I called my vet's office in tears several times just asking what am I going to do with this cat???? I wanted him put down because honestly he scared the cr@p out of me. But she would never go there. I get it. But it left me high and dry. I could not surrender him again to the city because he would have just been stuck in a tiny cage again..and he was berserk and crazy from the last time that happened. So it furthered my feelings of being trapped by the situation.

Cuddly Dudley

He was super friendly and cuddly a lot of the time. He demanded a lot of affection at certain times..especially when he was hungry. The cuddly times tugged at my heart. I loved that part and I tried to love him. But the cuddly feelings were always cut short by the remembrance of times when I was cleaning up my face from the latest attack.

Just Plodding Along...UNTIL

So things just plodded along. I felt trapped. Hubs HATED him. And daughter wanted to love him because he was the resident kitty and well..that was enough for her. She got swatted at a couple of timed but never walked away with the wounds I suffered though, thankfully. One day I made a random private comment on an instagram story about the horrors of declawing. She asked me a bunch of questions and I told her we were going to have to consider it if we could not get a handle on his behaviors. I don't think she heard anything from me but that I considered declaw. In a heartbeat she told me that she was going to have a lady that runs a very prominent account for rescue contact me. I said that I recognized her name and that I knew there was no way she had time to talk to me. Within a few seconds, I had a private message from her. We talked extensively and she actually agreed to take Dudley and work with him etc..if I could get him to VEGAS. I texted the husband who was traveling on a business trip at the time. He was all for it and was looking up airfares. Like I said..he hated the cat. Over the course of couple days, the lady in Vegas got me in contact with a more local rescue after telling her my story. And very long story short, I talked to the local (well... 40 miles or so) lady and she said she had an open spot in her rescue if I could get him to her the very next day. So suddenly the plan went from 'in a few weeks we may fly to Vegas' to 'tomorrow I am driving Dudley to the big city'. I have to say I jumped at the chance for him but it tugged at my heart also. Even after everything we had been through. But overall I was happy he might get a chance with someone else.

The Big City

I texted the hubs about the whole 'I can take him tomorrow and we don't have to go to Vegas'. He was all for it. So the Saturday before Thanksgiving, I was to take him.  I woke up early and he got the wild eyed look that I knew all too well. I sat up in bed with my hands out but he tore me up anyway. I was angry that he did it but it certainly made the day easier. I was growing more and more scared of him. So was my daughter. I had told the Vegas lady and the rescue lady about his propensities and i really don't think they heard me. The day I took him, she 'tested him' and told me she didn't think he looked like he would just do something unprovoked. I said ok and signed the papers and walked out. I have wondered since that time if he just did not like me. Or if maybe I did things that rubbed him the wrong way..but I don't know what that would be. Or like I said..maybe our personalities just weren't right, ya know? I knew I never wanted him in a cage because as I told her, he would go nuts. Thankfully Vegas lady talked to the rescue here and he was going to stay with a very experienced foster mom. I have trolled the rescue on FB and about a month or so ago, he was adopted by a single lady and her bf. I am glad there are no kids. And I'm glad its somebody who knows more of what they are getting into as far as his extreme energy. I hope he ends up with a kitty sibling eventually. I think he would like that. I have obviously not reached out to the owner or the rescue etc but I stalked a bit hoping to see if things went well for him. I hope this home is his happily ever after.

Instagram Haters

I unfollowed a billion cat accounts that I had followed. I just needed a break from cats. I was pretty messed up by everything that happened with D.  One day I decided to try to follow the Vegas lady again...I really loved her and appreciated all she had done for us. I figured out she had blocked me. So she could post pics of D and talk about his urgent need for a home...and drag me through the mud as his owner in the process. And then all her minions chimed in as well...some saying pretty nasty things about me. It really hurt me. I was just trying to save a cat from a shelter and I did the best I could.

Sometimes I think about writing Vegas lady and telling her how hurt I was by her post..but at the end of the day its not about me..and she doesn't even know me so she can't be my judge anyway. It's about the cat. And everybody involved did right by the cat and I'm forever grateful..even to Vegas lady.

So that's the story. Pretty crazy, huh?! Sometimes people ask me if we will ever have another cat. Honestly I really don't know. If so, not for a while. We really need a break.

the cat we adopted twice

This has been in my drafts folder since May of last year.  This is the beginning of the story about us adopting a nightmare kitty. In my next post, I will let you know how the 'story' resolved. Hold on to your hats..its gonna be a bumpy ride.

********
There is a new kitty boy in our lives. It's been a rocky start. Ok, sometimes it just feels rocky all the time.

I had been scouring the Petfinder app starting about two weeks after Annabelle passed. Too soon..I know (now). But anyway, this one "little" cat stood out to me every time I searched. I secretly hoped one day I would search and not find him because I had this bizarre draw to  him and I hoped someone else would get him. I know that sounds weird. It was weird. So one day I went to the shelter and he was there. His shelter name was Lance. And he was so so affectionate. And for some reason the people at the shelter thought he had been declawed on all four. And yet he didn't seem to have a mean bone in his body. So I felt like he was too good to be true and called the hubby and finally decided to bring him home.

Immediately upon getting him home we realized he did indeed have claws. I wasn't quite ready for that. So I called the shelter and they said I could bring him back. It was late and they were closing so I planned to take him back immediately the very next morning. He stayed in our bathroom. I encouraged our daughter not to get too attached to him because 'he was leaving'. I would go in and take care of him..and cry..because he was super cute and showed a lot of affection. Hubs thought he was 'too big'. So his fate was sealed. I took him back.

And I continued to think about him for the next two and a half weeks. The girl and I talked a lot about him. Hubs and I talked about him. In different lights of course. ; ) But I finally talked the hubs into trying again with him.

So one day I told the girl that after lunch we were "going to get him". She knew exactly what I meant. Y'all...he was an absolute terror. He was beyond crazy! It stressed me out so much that long before the week's end, we planned on returning him. But I never felt settled about the matter so it never happened. I also took him to the vet because we wanted to know just how much this tub of bricks weighed, because he felt like he weighed almost 20 pounds. 8.3. Whaaa?! He knows how to make himself feel heavy. Very weird. The vet told us that she expected him to weigh about 10  full grown. So the 'he is too big' argument went out the window...AB weighed 15. He currently weighs 10.5. ha. I think he's going to weigh a little more still.

He is extremely active. And playful. He was estimated to be about 8-9 months when we got him in May. One day he got so "playful" that he kind of went off the deep end and attacked me. I got two gashes in my ear! So we planned once again to send him back. Or better yet...I know..terrible thing to say..euthanize him because he's such a horrible and scary animal. Before you say anything..I know! But that never happened. I read a lot of books and talked to a lady I met on insta who is a behaviorist.  And we are taking more careful note of his affect before he goes nuts. And he is learning through some discipline not to go bonkers on me. (He did it today and he had not done it in quite a while. But it was less severe and he stopped much more readily). He's an active teenaged boy.

To be fair, he is quite affectionate..when he is hungry. Which is in the mornings before I get up. So I get some cuddle and purr time early in the morning. Sometimes he goes under the covers and suckles on my pajamas and purrs his brains out while I pet him. It's sweet..but kinda gross. He is super smart. He plays fetch. And he is very athletic. He can jump from our kitchen counter to on top of the upper cabinets. He can also jump from the floor TO THE TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR. No joke. It was crazy. He has only done that once..during one of his Tasmanian devil moments when he's just super charged. We are hoping he grows out the kitten stage sometime before we lose our marbles.

And that's how we adopted the same cat twice. We almost named him Ditto. But instead we named him Dudley.

the aftermath

I walked in the door with the empty carrier and wasn't quite sure what to do with myself.

I knew I needed to clean the litter box area and throw all of that stuff away. I mean..I was sad, but that wasn't my idea of something special to keep.

I cleaned things up and threw some things away. I washed the towel from her carrier and her special blanket. My girl put the blanket on her bed and I put the towel away with all the old 'extra' towels we rarely use.

If I walked past the bathroom, my head turned involuntarily to check to see if the litter box needed scooping. If I walked past the bedroom, I looked for her form in the crumpled up covers on the bed. In the mornings, I shed tears because I didn't have that cute little furry mouth to feed and doctor. My daughter checked the hallway every time she left the bathroom. She also missed being needed for drinks at the bathtub water fountain.

So many routines just shattered by loss.

But mainly I just rattled around the house, numb with grief.

I know she was just a kitty. But the grief is very palpable.

And in some ways, it set me back in grieving our little boy. So many similarities. I was the main caregiver for both. So many routines just gone. I was buried for a number of days. It was so hard. And for the first time, I experienced an anniversary of Bub's without Annabelle to sit and watch me to make sure I was ok, if I got upset. I felt a little lost. I would sometimes just hold her and cry..and now I needed her to cry into and she was gone too.

We are some better now. My sweet friend bought cute little necklaces for us within minutes of AB's passing and had those in the mail to us very quickly. We think of her and smile more than crying now. And somewhere along the way, I ordered necklaces with Annabelle's name on them. We wear one or both of those every day. It helps us. We can see them and smile and think of her.

We miss our sweet kitty. But thankful for all the love we could share with her..even if she didn't always 'love' in return. Cats!

Our sweet Annabelle's last day

On Monday March 20, I was a mess. I knew. I called the vet early but she was busy. She was supposed to call me back around 11 but by God's great grace, she didn't call then but called right after I got home from dropping of my girl for a college class. Dr G said the way she was acting meant her kidneys were failing pretty quickly. She said we could do fluids (and make her miserable because of repeated vet visits) in hopes of buying a little bit more time with her. But I knew from the last time we went to the vet, that she was 'finished'. She had let me know that she was done with interventions. I had been praying that I could keep my mental promise to her. So I declined the interventions and the vet and I both agreed, that this was a very reasonable and merciful time to stop. Tears fell. The vet couldn't get me in until 2pm..or wait until the next day and then she could come to our house. I had wanted to do this at home, but I didn't want to watch her suffer for yet another day. So I told her I would be there at 2pm. And then I cried. I busied myself crying on the phone to a friend but before I knew it, the dreaded time to leave was upon me. So I did my little hunt to find her buried in the folded bedspread on the floor. I folded back the layers to find where she had crawled in..much like many times before. But knowing this time was the last time. This time it broke my heart into a million little pieces. I snuggled her and talked soothingly to her, all the while falling apart on the inside. I could not lose it. I had to drive. So I put her into her kennel easily. Usually she could or would put up quite a stink. On that day, I just set her inside without a fuss. She didn't even cry on the way to the vet. She was so unwell. Bless her heart.

We were quickly ushered to a room and I took the lid off the carrier. I wanted to hold her. But she wasn't having it, so I set the lid back in lace so she wold feel safer. The vet came in ad told me she would be right back. Some techs came in and I signed some papers and answered some questions. Soon the vet came in with the first sedative. She told me she had to give it in the muscle and it was sting a little. It must have because she hissed. Her last parting gift to Dr G. Everyone left the room and I waited and watched. Soon, her head lowered a little bit and her breathing calmed significantly. I started petting her somewhere along the way, trying to soothe her and tell her what I good job she was doing. She purred for me which was a sweet parting gift to me. Soon after, her little head lowered against the carrier. I continued to pet her and tell her I loved her. I took the lid off the carrier at some point to kiss her and be as close to her as I could. (I was a little upset about the idea of holding her at this point, because I knew she was limp.) I pressed my face into her body, taking her in. I kissed her little head and back and rearranged her face so it wasn't pressed against the carrier. I knew it didn't matter but I needed and wanted to care for her and fuss over her, soI did. And then the moment arrived for the vet to come in with the last injection, to be given in the vein. She very gently lifted Annabelle's sedated body out of the carrier and spread her out on her side on a towel. I could see her face and pet her while Dr G administered the drugs in her hind leg. The room was completely still as we watched her, petted her and talked about how beautiful and soft she IS. I enjoyed using the present tense with her in those last moments. I cried and kissed her. After just a couple of minutes, the vet listened under her little tiny chest, and told me she was gone. The vet offered to make a paw impression so we did that and also did some paw prints. I asked for some of her fur, so she went for the clippers and a bag an did that for me. And then she quietly told me I could stay as long as I needed to and slipped out of the room. At this point, I was sobbing. Kissing her all over. Admiring her sweet tiny body. I tried to close her eyes, but they didn't really close. I snuggled and nuzzled around her neck and under her eye (my favorite softest place to kiss her) I wanted to breathe her in and for my skin to memorize the feel of her fur. I got fur all over my chapsticked lips, but didn't care. I kissed her some more. And sobbed.

I knew I had to be aware of the time. And yet I dreaded the thought of walking out the door. I took some pics of her precious little feet as I held them in my hand. Finally I knew it had to be 'time' whether I felt like it was time or not. I went down the hall to tell them I was ready to leave. A tech came in and wrapped up our sweet girl in the towel she was laying on, holding her much like a baby, face side up, just like my hubby did when we gave her steroid pills. I hugged the tech so I could be close to Annabelle one more time before she carried her away..giving her more kisses and looking at her one last time..one last touch. I turned my back and they carried her away. They told me I could pay later and I was so thankful because I was a wreck! After a bit, I went down the hall and gave them all the techs and Dr G a huge hug and thanked them. I didn't want to leave but I knew I had to. I gathered myself and put the carrier back together, placing everything inside the empty carrier for the terrible ride home. A tech walked me to the car so I could give them unopened food for a credit and gave me another huge hug and I was on my way. Heartbroken and somber. I had survived one of the most difficult things I had ever done. We are crushed and so so sad. Many tears. But we are so thankful for her little life and all she meant to us.

Forever loved, sweet kitty girl. Gone but never forgotten.

Annabelle Late 2002 - March 20, 2017

For the next little while, I am going to blog about my kitty. We had to make the difficult decision to put her to sleep a week ago today. It was devastating for our little family.  I know she's "just a kitty" but she was our kitty. And she came into our lives a little less than a year after we lost Bub. I have cried many tears with this sweet little fur ball standing watch to make sure I was ok. Bless her little heart. She's a special girl to us. And dealing with grief in another form has been a struggle that has brought back thoughts from the past.

Today I'm going to begin telling the story of her final months and her final day. My sweet friend Amy suggested doing it as a form of therapy. I have struggled with wanting to forget because it was so hard, but never wanting to forget because I loved her so much. So here goes...

We knew she was going down hill. we had lived through a few bouts of kidney failure. and those brought us some added years. Last year at Christmas, my girl and I enjoyed buying her some fun presents. We got her a catnip paper bag and some pop up cubes to rest and play in. We got a book from Amazon and it came in one of those fold out cardboard contraptions, so we laid that in front of her little two room pop up condo and it looked like a sidewalk. Very cute. It provided hours of entertainment for her and for us as we watched her having a good time.  But we knew she wasn't well and that it would probably be her last Christmas, so we wanted to enjoy her in it and we did.

A few months ago (I honestly can't remember if we learned this before or after Christmas) we found out she had probable lymphoma. The vet asked if we wanted to pursue treatment. My answer was absolutely not. I did not want to potentially harm us by exposure to harmful drugs. And besides, she already had a long list of health problems. I could not see putting her through any more misery. Just doing the blood draw was so traumatic that she wasn't herself afterwards for days. (I secretly hoped at this point I would never have to do more interventions for her because I felt like she was telling me she was 'done'.) So we did a round of oral steroids. It was cheap and safe. And it bought us a little bit of time.

Early on during the steroids, she acted like a kitten again. She was super playful, was eating and drinking well and gained back a bit of weight. She was so happy and enjoying life. but as it goes with steroids, the dose tapers off. And with the tapering off of the dose, we could see the life and liveliness in her tapering off as well. It was sad. We knew. And I spent a lot of time trying to get our daughter ready for the inevitable. And to get myself ready for what I knew would be the task at hand. One of the most difficult tasks of my life. But that's getting ahead of the story.

We were doing the steroids and trying to make the best of things. Giving our kitty girl extra cuddles and love when she would allow it. Giving extra broth pouches an wet food that I made into a slurry, in hopes of getting more fluids down her and making it into a treat for her. but most of her days were spent hiding, since it was winter. But we had some warm days and she enjoyed playing and we enjoyed watching her.

As we tapered off of the steroids, things started to change drastically for her. she was losing weight. and begging for water. It got to a really bad point on her last weekend. She just wasn't herself. I knew then that she was miserable and not enjoying herself in the least. I was preparing our daughter for the end. And trying to prepare myself for what I knew would be up there on the 'worst days ever' list.

To be continued...

I'm kinda back

So I think I'm going to resurrect the ole blog.  For a time anyway.

 I don't know how regular I will be but I know I have some things I need to work through and the people of Facebook probably get tired of me. Ha. 

So stay tuned. 

Should have a post up in the next day or two. 

going to the place to do the thing

***This is a rant...you've been warned. lol***

I have been getting phone calls from the funeral home that did Landon's 'stuff'.  It had always gone to the machine because I wasn't home. And I never called them back.

Well, a few days ago they caught me. Drats! Seems they have new owners now and they wanted me to come by and check on my paperwork and make sure their info is correct bla bla bla. I asked how long it was going to take and they assured me that if I didn't have any questions, it would not take very long. So I made the appointment at a time that I could squeeze it in 'just to run by there and get it done'. Whatever 'IT' was.

Well...I arrived for my appointment a few minutes late. I had to run by the vet to get some stuff for the cat (we think she has cancer..she's 14..it sucks but it is what it is..she's an old cat. Anyhoo..) I walked in the door and my eyes immediately went down the long corridor to the door we walked through to see our baby's little empty shell for the last times.

And lost it. Nice. : /

So I am quietly trying to pull it together, Gertrude and this older lady asked me why I was there and offered to escort me to a small room to wait. She was nice and is very good at handing out condolences so she pretty much insisted on giving me a hug while I am doing all the sucking it up I can get ahold of.

Well...I know..lots of well..a lady and a man came in. Double teamed. Fun. And they chatted a little bit about the plots we own bla bla bla. They also chatted me up about Landon and commented on his stone etc (honestly I was surprised they knew what was on it!)  and I think that helped them have an idea of what all we went through before they ever talked to me. It was sweet but hard talking to them. But really their intent for about 99 percent of the visit was pre-need. Y'all. I was so not prepared for any of that. I wish they had been more honest about their entire intent for the visit. But I guess if they did that, they would have very few people go through the door. But UGH. It took an hour!

So much info and so much to think about. On top of the emotions and the every day stress of being in remission. I didn't say a word about that..they would have been all over it and had me dead and in the ground before I could sign my name. LOL

I finally made it home around 2pm and dumped some veggies and fruit in the Vitamix and dumped a smoothie in an old Nutribullet cup with a lid and ran out the door to pick up someone.

Some days adulting is just hard. 

***end of rant..thank you for listening, my friends!***

Hello, amazon prime? I need boobs.

So..my fake boobs wore out. Yep. I didn't even know that was a thing.  But now I know.

It's a thing. A real thing.

I noticed a bit of cloudiness in the same corner of each one just the other day, and thought to myself that their days were numbered. And then I quickly dressed one day and washed the girls to put them on later in the morning. Which meant I was wearing my glasses.

Well. They weren't just having a little trouble. They were in full on failure. As in I could touch silicone. Y'all..I just wasn't ready for that.

I looked at my flat self in the mirror and started making calls.

I needed a scrip to get them paid for by my insurance. (they aren't cheap and we finally met our deductible..so I know for doggone sure I would like somebody else to pay for it) And there aren't very many days left for that this year. And I called the boob store and they had to order them. Where is an off the rack 'rack' when I need it? Sigh.

Oh well. It will be ok. They will be in before the end of the year and hopefully they are compatible with the brand I was currently using. Nothing is simple, folks. I told my hubby tonight that if it weren't for insurance and all that jazz, I wish we had just overnighted them from amazon or something.

Because I hate to say it, but it's been hard. As in depressing. Very depressing. I hate the way I look flat. I was busty before my surgery and my new girls were cute and perky and just right for my small frame. And now..nothing.

I dread going out the door and people looking at me. Never mind I went around for about seven months like this after surgery. But I guess I was psyched up for that. This came out of the blue and it has taken me by surprise.

Cancer steals so much. And now it's getting another laugh at my expense. I know I am more than the sum of my parts. I get that. But I also get it that I just want to fit in and not be self conscious.

My girl and I even tried to make a temporary set yesterday. That didn't work. I have been looking up crochet patterns to see if we can find something simple enough for her to make (since that is a new hobby of hers).

So yeah..Flat Stanley's very flat sister is on the loose this holiday season. Merry Christmas y'all. : )

holy ground

On that day in 2002, the birds were singing and the skies were a bright blue.  There wasn't a cloud in the sky...just the one that hung over our hearts as we buried our beloved one.

Today was much the same. Except we came in shorts and tee shirts. Holding flowers. For our sweet boy. 

That day was perfect. I know that sounds strange. The weather was stunningly beautiful. The perfect 'no temperature' temperature for a spring day.

Today as we walked up the small incline to his place, I watched my flip flopped feet. My only thought was we are standing on holy ground.

Not because there are lots of headstones and much grief there..and not because my baby's empty shell is buried there. But because of how I met God that day.

He was in the birds singing. And the breezes that caused the wind chimes to play their melodies.

And He was in me. I sat and felt those breezes and knew at that moment, it was Him breathing His Spirit around me and into me when I needed it like never before.

Today, it felt very much like years gone by, but the knowing was even more real. My hand pressed against the cold stone touching a name that is only a spirit now.  My girl and I exchanged knowing glances and she left me just to be for a moment, breathing it all in, touching, listening. It's all the same...yet He is more real. 

Thank you Father for breathing Your Spirit into me every day...but with an extra measure today. 

Happy anniversary, my beloved one.

I'm here

I guess that is a good way to start. I'm here. I am fine. Just sipping my green smoothie of this beautiful Lord's day and so aware of His grace and faithfulness to me.

There are so many things I could talk about. I could tell you about my Vitamix and how amazing it is. It really puts the smooth in smoothie. Or I could tell you how much I'm loving the early spring we are having. We worked out in the yard yesterday as a family and it was so nice. It's making me itch to plant some veggies. : )

But really more than anything, my heart his heavy. There is just so much going on in the world. And in my little world. People around me are hurting. People are finding out they are sick. Dealing with death. Dealing with life. And it's all just hard.

And it is drawing me ever more to the feet of the One who cares for me. The One who knows my heart and knows all that is weighing heavy on it.  The One who delights in my prayers. And delights in me when things are hard and I hardly feel like a delight to anyone. Except the One.

Thank you Father for being the One that satisfies my soul. Bring me to be ever more satisfied with You and less burdened by life and realize where Life truly comes from.

May you have a wonderful Sunday, my friends.

this little piggy went to Walmart

I woke up in the night last night to a weird smell in the house. In my groggy state, it finally hit me...nail polish. She had polished her nails..all of them..right before she went to bed.

What a horrible smell. Worse than that, a VOC!

It got me to thinking. I have read articles and pins about not horrible for you nail polishes, but had yet to take the plunge and purchase any. I have just done without because it's not that big of a deal.

Well. Today it became a big deal. No reason. I was kinda crabby and needed in a pick me up. So thanks to google,  I had a list of possibilities. But one stood out because of it's cute name. Piggy Paint.

The more I read about it, the better I liked it. And they carry it at Walmart.

So this little piggy went to market and got some Piggy Paint!

It is in the kiddie section of health and beauty. (it is also carried in some baby stores and some froo froo boutiques on Main Street in a suburb near me) Walmart carried a two pack of what I would call tester bottles. Very tiny. I got hot pink and really pretty turquoise kinda like color (just go with it). I also got a bottle of remover. All vegan. All no VOC. No smell at all to the paint and very very little in the remover.

I came home and painted my piggies. They are hot pink and oh so cute! It was such a simple thing but it lifted my mood so much to look down past my hot pink tee shirt, and see my hot pink piggies in my hot pink flip flops. Made. Me. Smile.

So there ya go.

(They also have an adult line, a pooch line and a toenail line among other things. Worth checking out. But the kiddie stuff comes in many colors and if I like the wearability of it, I will just stick with it. It's easy and fast.)

Happy piggies. :)

ps..I should add that my girl rarely paints her nails, so it's not like she was exposing herself to these toxins every time she turned around. : )