I knew I would not be able to get through it. Thankfully someone else read the passage.
Then it was time to discuss it. We were gleaning from this encounter.. not studying it per se. We were talking about having a relationship with God to where we can hear Him. I think. I got lost in my own thoughts.
Sometimes grief sneaks up on me. I hate it when that happens. And I hate it when I want to contribute to the conversation during these times. I thought I could say what I knew God was saying, but I got terribly choked up and couldn't say all that was on my heart. I got very teary and then there was the awkward silence while I quietly lost it for a moment. And then class went on.
As I sat there, I began to wonder. Do they know? I know some of the folks in our little circle know about Bub, but others don't know me at all. It must have seemed odd to them for me to fall apart. But I wondered.. did they know? Did they know that I had prayed and given my children to Him on the altar so to speak.. only to find that there was no ram caught in the thicket for one of them??? While I sat choking back tears for a moment, that was the question on my heart.
4 comments:
I've never lost a child, and can't even imagine such a thing or the depths of grief that come with it. But I've had other griefs that still, even at 20+ years (some of them), still muster tears when a song, or a scripture, or scene brings them fresh into view.
So, when someone else is teary, I think I relate at some level ... and quietly I pray for them. No doubt the people in your class were touched too.
God bless you!
Kathleen
Your blog brought tears to my eyes. Grief comes up at unexpected times. I've found that to be true with my friend Pam. I'm sure the people in your class understood. What you went through is probably harder than anything any of them have ever gone through, but most of us have experienced grief at some level and can relate to your pain. I think God uses experiences like that to help bring about healing.
Dear Kay, how hard that must have been for you to sit through. I love it when a group can hold silence, when it's clear that someone is in a sacred space as you were in that moment. There is NOTHING that anyone can say that will help.
Yes, grief sneaks up. It's always with us, isn't it, in way, perhaps just as Bub is always with you in another way. His absence, and his presence, if you know what I mean.
Praying for comfort & love to fill your heart.
(By the way, I'm thankful that no one went all "theoretical" on the meaning of that passage, or twisted it around, as you were discussing it. I recall struggling with it for years.)
Kay, There is nothing I can say and no words of comfort I can give, and I acknowledge that. I just wanted you to know that I read this post and you are in my prayers.
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