drained

Today was the funeral for the little girl with cancer I mentioned Wednesday. This was the only other (child) viewing I've been to other than the one for my own son. It doesn't get any easier. (I've been to one other memorial though, for a friend we met at the hospital. Their son lost his battle too.)

Everything was beautiful and perfect and sweet and loving and just wonderful.

My husband and daughter stayed home because I really didn't think she would of been able to handle it...and she let me know she did NOT want to go.. and I wasn't going to force something like this on her! Now that I've been to this, I *know* she couldn't of handled it. I bumped into a lady I used to work with a zillion years ago and she and I talked and sat together. She is such a sweetie. We talked about this family and about my loss as well. She asked me things most people probably wouldn't even want to discuss. What did my child wear in his casket... stuffed animals etc? So I tearfully, yet with joy at the remembrance of my own child/loss described some detail of our own experience while looking at this little girl, this sleeping beauty. It brought everything back like it was yesterday. The flowers, a song, her protocol described (similar, not exact), pictures of her with a little bald head and what I call 'the chemo look' these kids get sometimes, when their counts are low and their eyes look sad.. on and on.

I am beginning to think I might try to document more details. We never wrote anything down and I didn't blog at that time. We just lived it and that was enough at the time. I don't know who if anybody I'd be writing for, other than myself. But I am thinking I might start doing that soon.

To answer my friend's questions. He wore his favorite pajamas. What do you put a four year old in... a three piece suit??? not! He loved jammies and he and his sister had some of their most fun times running around in their pj's. He held one of his lesser favorite stuffed Beanie Baby kitties. The two favorites are in my china cabinet in the living room. And he also held a blankie. I could part with one.. he had six. lol He looked beautiful. As did she today.

When it was over, I stopped at a park, pulled in under a tree, left the A/C blaring and cried and cried til my whole body hurt. Then dried my face and hands with an already wet Kleenex. For some dumb reason I looked at myself in the mirror. Shouldn't of done that. Any trace of makeup was washed away at that point. Whatever.

I am drained.

probably the day

I knew even driving home from swimming that today was probably going to be the day. The day a little girl we know would lose her battle with neuroblastoma... the same nasty thing that took our son. It felt weird going through the motions of a 'normal' day. Whatever that is. Knowing this day is anything but normal to someone somewhere in a hospital room. Crying over a baby girl that will not grow up. I just want to cry.

This isn't the first time someone we've known about has lost a child since we've lost ours. And it sure doesn't get any easier. It takes me back. To a place I don't really want to be. It makes me remember things a mother doesn't want to remember. Death. Lifelessness. "Making plans". The physical things that 'must' be attended to, while all the while being numb and exhausted.

And now it's another family's pain. A memory for another mother (and father).

I'm thankful we do not grieve without hope. In the midst of death and loss, there is life and hope. I know that can sound shallow, but it isn't. When you muddle through everything else, He is really all we have. He *is* our only Hope.

We must hold on to it, to Him with all we have and all we are!

my purrrty kitty

I went to Petsmart last night on a mission to find some allergy reducer stuff to bathe my kitty with. I couldn't find what I'd seen online so I had to ask the lady to help me. It was sitting right in front of my eyes.

duh.

She asked me if I had ever given my cat a bath before. I paused and sheepishly said "...um, no." The lady got a funny grin on her face. (I guess this is the part where she thinks I'm done for!) She proceeded to tell me what to do and basically wish me luck.

So we bathed her. The hubby was the "hold-er down-er" and I was the "scrubber and dry off-er". I think it went well. No hissing and no biting. But it would be a huge stretch to say she liked it. She spent a good while rearranging her fur after we got finished with the washing, towelling off and brushing.

But she sure is purrrrty!

We want to try this weekly and see if it helps me not feel so sneezey if I've snuggled her too much. But of course, its not like she's begging me to snuggle her anyway. So I guess she's just trying to help me out, isn't she?!

alone

I went out of town Friday morning ALONE to visit my cousin. She lives in a small town and it's just simply fun to be there. I came back late last night.... and by late I mean a little before dark. I am not into being on the road at night... 'ya know... ALONE.

It was wonderful!

We talked constantly. We laughed with each other, at each other and at the dog til we'd laughed waaaay too much. We stayed up late. We remembered stuff long forgotten. We ate homemade food since she likes to play hostess every now and then. We even went to Walmart. (We ran out of Baked Tostitos for the homemade guacamole I brought along for us to munch on!)

It felt like we were both teenagers again in so many ways. It was just an off-the-chart wonderful couple of days and we didn't do anything special. We just enjoyed each other's company.

Smile!

Ta-da!

This is my new IT thing! I've seen them on Food Network....evvvverybody uses one it seems. I finally took the plunge and got a grill pan for myself. At first, I wasn't too sure, but now I love it! We don't even own an outdoor grill. I know.. gasp! We bought one while we were dating and kept it for years, but then when Bub was sick, we weren't very outdoorsy and we were always concerned about GERMS etc.. so our old one got to be in pretty bad shape. We finally let a guy pay us $10 at a garage sale to take it away. A friend of mine bought one that way, and if you know what to do, you can make it new again. That was my hope for our sad old grill. We talk about getting a new one, but until then... I have this to help me out.

I usually mix some olive oil, red wine vinegar or lemon juice and then the herbs of choice and then the chicken. Sooo yummy! The possibilities are ENDLESS! And you get those fancy little lines on the chicken.

Boo wants me to turn the chicken so we get those cross-hatch marks. Sorry, kiddo. Mom's gotta take this one step at at time!

tree limbs and meatloaf

We had a wind storm yesterday. I guess that's what they call it. It went from sunny and hot to dark and a little cooler, but very windy quickly. I turned from the computer in the kitchen.. imagine that... and looked out the dining room window to notice the severe shift in the weather. I immediately turned on tv to see if there were weather bulletins or anything and then continued to watch out the window. One time I heard a snap and a thud and a limb fell across my neighbor's little shed and over the fence into my yard. I wondered if the new renter there has called the owner about what to do about the tree.

I made turkey meatloaf for dinner last night. We usually eat about half of it and I freeze the other half for lunches. Yummy lunches. It freezes well. But last night I had a strong 'urge' to call a friend and see if she and her husband would like it for dinner... since there was about 'that much' left. Anyhoo... I called her and she said to bring it right over. So I put it in freezable, disposable containers and ran out the door.

I didn't stay long. When I got home, my neighbor was in his front yard, so I decided I'd ask him about the limb. He talked to me about the limb and some other things and in the course of the conversation, I learned they just went through something terrible. They are pretty much in shock mode right now and struggling to understand this. There is so much need there.

I came back in the house pleased (??) with myself for listening to His prompting to give away my meatloaf and wanting to pray about this family's problems. But then it hit me.... would I have heard Him had He just said "go outside and talk to your neighbor"? I don't know. It made me sad that I wasn't sure.

I have come a ways with God, but I have a ways to go!

my view

This is my view from the kitchen sink. I like the jar topper with the two mice on it.. it just plain 'ole makes me smile! And don't we all need that when we do the dishes!

I zoomed in so you couldn't see the tomato and apple stickers all piled up. No so cutesy.

I used to have mice evvvverywhere in my house. But I guess I've grown up. I still think they are sooo cute but I refrain. I have one or two more in another place, but like this little display... its small enough to miss. After all, it's just there for me anyway!