unexpected gift

I never win contests. Except for one time I won Six Flags tickets over the radio when I was a kid. So there was that. But no other time have I won a contest. : )

Also, I feel like such a bad blogger. Not only do I not update my own blog very often, I've gotten pretty lax in commenting as well. It makes me feel so bad, but it all takes time. And lots of things in life are taking time these days.

So the other day I happened to be visiting Cheryl Barker's blog and commented to enter a contest. Never intending to win.  But I did! What a fun surprise! And thanks to a strange email mix-up, I didn't find out about it until my birthday, which was an extra sweet surprise! : )

So thank you Cheryl, for making my birthday just a little more special! : )

Hugs and love, y'all!

allergic

Yesterday I got allergy tested.  My only experience with it was back in the ye olden times when Bub got tested. He was the youngest patient his allergist had ever tested and given shots. And they helped tremendously.

So I decided to give it a whirl since my asthma really bothers me sometimes. And there are only so many oral meds and inhalers available. (and Bub got to the point that he didn't need any of it)

I signed all the paperwork and changed out of my top and soon the nurse came in with all the prinklies. It was uncomfortable but not painful. And I didn't have any intense reactions, so the experience overall wasn't too bad.

But I found out I'm allergic to a lot of molds. And some trees. And plenty of animals. Including dogs. And cats. Don't worry. We won't be showing Annabelle the door...she's our baby. And I'm totally not surprised that I was allergic to her. I've know it for years. Maybe the shots will help with all of that and more.

Either way, I might as well not have a cow about all of this. Because I'd be allergic to it, too.

Something I'm not allergic to? Roaches. So...what am I supposed to do with that tidbit? Pet roach anyone? : p

Good times.

Sauna time

It's summer. It's hot. It's like a sauna.

Not really. Because I know what I sauna is like. Because I just got one. : )

Yes..really! 

It's not what you think though. It's not the multi-levels of wooden seating wrapped in a towel a la tv. Although those do exist. It's more of a wooden frame with reflective walls and lights for the heat. Kinda like the ones at McDonalds to keep the food warm. I'm not kidding. It's called near infrared. It has six bulbs that shine on the lone occupant of the sauna..me. : ) But the walls reflect light all over. So not only is there benefit from the heat generated by the bulbs themselves, there is actual benefit from the light. It is low EMF, which is a good thing. But it penetrates the skin and that is an added benefit. Another benefit to near infrared vs the conventional way, is that the temperatures are greatly reduced...like from 150 to 175 (or higher) to around the 100 to 120 range. With the same plus added benefits. 

I have known that saunas are a good thing for a while because like most people know, you sweat in it. And that releases toxins from the body. Which is good. Of course. But after I got sick, I began to realize that detox in the tip of the sauna iceberg, so to speak.

Not only do they release toxins, they heat the body a few degrees, which actually attacks things like viruses and candida (hello summer problem!) and weakens cancer cells directly, it raises the heart rate, it reduces inflammation which helps with all manner of diseases including arthritis, workout issues and cancer, rejuvenates skin, enhances circulation and aids in weight loss. Those are just some quick things that I remembered from all my reading. There are other benefits as well. 

But I'm sure you can begin to see why it is of particular interest to me. 

It arrived in the mail in kit form around dinner time Friday. (Grr you, UPS. Would have preferred putting it together in the afternoon, rather than into the night Friday night). But we did get it all put together by around 10:30 Friday night.  It took four hours if you include a quick froyo run for the hubs. He deserved a break after all that work. We got it built and turned it on to make sure it worked and went to bed. I got up Saturday morning and had my first sauna session. Feels a little bit like roasting on a spit. The user has to turn every so many minutes. I used an old interval app for my timer and I was set to go. I am starting with about 15 minutes total right now, changing every three minutes. Front, side, back, other side, front. I will increase my times as I get more acclimated to this, which shouldn't take very long. I will work up to going all the way around and including the front and back twice and also doing those two stations a minute or so longer than the sides. I did sweat pretty well Saturday, given it was my first time in it.

Later yesterday, I found a nice app that is an interval timer but it allows music to be played at the same time and tried it out this morning. It didn't work out as well as yesterday without it because I had my sounds volume turned down too far and I couldn't hear the turn alerts over the music, so I was in and out of the sauna a few times getting it all worked out. But I think I have all the settings working correctly for this now and tomorrow should run smoother. I was bummed that I didn't sweat today. I was plenty hot but I didn't get sweaty. I guess the in and out of cool air and letting cool air into my little box didn't really help. Boo. 

And unlike being wrapped in a towel (like tv) or wearing a swim suit like one would have to do using a sauna at a fitness center, I have decided just to wear a pony tail holder. ; ) Its easier than dealing with clothes and part of the benefit is the light anyway. And I'm by myself, so why not. I put on one article of clothing that covers me while getting ready and then just shed it and put it under my little stool while I do my time. And when time is up, I can just dry off and put it back on. Works nicely not to have to buy something specific for the purpose. 

So yes, summer is hot. But the sauna is hotter. 

***Should I disclaim? Ok, I will. No, I didn't get this sauna for review. I got it because I bought it myself. And also, I'm not promising this thing will heal everything from your dandruff to your ingrown big toenail. End of the disclaiming. ; ) ***

the nip story

I read a local news story today about tattooing new nipples on women that have undergone reconstruction surgery. And it just got me to thinking.

Most of the time I don't miss them. And other times I do. It's not a lot of fun to lose a lot of weight but then wait to put on clothes to see how ya look. I try hard not to look in the mirror while dressing etc. It's amazing how much I can avoid seeing even though I'm standing right in front of my reflection.

It's easier that way.

I read the story but the video wouldn't work. Someone in the comments mentioned a 'famous' tattoo artist that only does these types of tats now. And it's called....getting a vinny. So I googled it. And I was amazed. Not that I try to stare at nipples all the time. I spent my whole life trying not to look cold, if ya know what I mean. I read stories about him and watched several news pieces about him.

And I cried.

I miss me. The old me. The whole me. The girl that didn't have to get her girls out of a box. And order bras off Amazon. I still don't think I would reconstruct. It just doesn't seem to fit with other goals I have for myself. It's a very personal decision. One that any woman facing this has to make for herself. There are times I wonder if I will change my mind on the issue. Just. Don't. Know.

But I do know that wholeness isn't measured by whether I have breasts or nipples. It's measured by who I am inside.

Maybe I should get *that* tattooed on me.  : )

Edited to add...no tats for me. It's the thought that counts.  : )

follow up or p.s. or something

As a follow up to my last post, I thought I would let y'all in on what's happened since....in the bra department. So..I got 'fitted' for a new ("leisure") bra at the bra store. I also asked them to tell me the name of the SECOND bra I ever ordered from them, which is beige. It is also the third bra I ordered from them because I ordered another one when I saw how well it fit. This is the same bra that I could never get a clear answer from in the past about whether it was discontinued or they just wouldn't or couldn't get it anymore. Well, the girl gave me the name and code etc of the bra. I come home and pull my first white bra out of the closet to check the tag. THIS is the bra she gave me the info on. I have to say I was pretty furious. It just made. me.  mad. I felt like I was back at square one. I didn't call the store because frankly I just didn't want to talk to them.

I had been lamenting all of this to my friend Amy (at Wade's World...I would add a link but I got a new computer..an Apple..and I don't know how to do that yet..duh) and she suggested looking on Amazon. So I had been browsing and found a few that I had tried on in the store and a few that looked like they might be possibilities etc. But my eye kept coming back to this one certain one. So much so that I jumped out of bed..yes I shop for bras with my ipod in bed...and grabbed one of my favorite old beige bras so I could compare. The more I compared the more excited I got. And then I went and grabbed a magnifying glass. Cuz I'm an old lady. ; ) And could barely make out the faded style number on the tag...and it matched the one on Amazon. I was elated!

I ordered three the very next morning. They are exactly the same as the ones I loved from the bra store and they fit perfectly. And under any shirt, thankyouverymuch.

This whole thing has left an even worse taste in my mouth for the bra store. Because I have asked specifically about this bra at several fittings and have felt like I was getting the run around about it. I've been in sales, so I understand that if you can't get something, you try to steer your client toward something you CAN get. But at the same time, when we've tried on bra after bra and I've left the store empty handed and upset...or wearing something they know is ill fitting...you'd think they would care more about making somebody happy and creating a positive experience for the client, rather than just the bottom line.

 But I did order a leisure bra, as they call it, and it arrived. I got them the day before the good bras came in the mail from Amazon.  But frankly it's not all that comfortable. It creeps up which drives me out of my mind. Short trip. Those will do for back up and just to give my chest a rest but they are by far, not the most comfortable just because it moves around a bit and there is more fabric, which is frankly HOT in the summer. And since it's cotton, it kind of sticks to my clothes and makes me have to adjust my clothes a lot. bleh.

So where does this leave me? Well, I have three new bras that fit and look great...no thanks to the bra store. I thought about complaining to them, but opted not to say anything. I will continue to use the bra store from time to time and I really need a working relationship with them.

So as the popular song says, I just...let it go. : )

a crabby patty kinda day

I don't even know where to start. I guess I could first say 'hi'. And I've missed you all. I miss blogging but at the same time, I draw a blank often times when I sit down to write. Or I think of plenty to write while on the walking track at the gym but have little time to devote to my topic of the day. 

Anyway, here I am. And I think it's good to say "I'm fine". Really I am. 

But some days just kick me in the teeth and make me wonder why I didn't cry 'uncle' long before now. 

There's a lot going on...my hormones are all out of whack, which is to be expected. But they got a little more whacked out. And I really (really!) need some estrogen but I'm afraid to take some. Two doctors have proposed what they say is a safe way for me to get a little boost, but they don't agree on what is best. So I am stranded somewhere in the middle. 

I've about decided to take door number three. Which is do nothing, (which was a viable option when I talked to the nurse practitioner at my gyn's office) and wait for my body to sort of repair itself and bounce back. All the while feeling like I have a yeast infection. 

You're welcome for the fun times imagery there. : ) 

So there is that. It's been an ongoing thing for about three months now, healing what *was* a yeast infection and now just being really messed up. Down there. Wink wink. So it's come down to this...and which door to walk through. And all of them except do nothing carry some risk. But offer the most immediate healing. Ugh. Not an enviable position to be in. 

And then I went bra shopping today. Not fun. They stopped carrying the brand that kinda fits me. I tried on a hand full of bras...all the ones the shop carried...and none of them fit. I ended up buying (well my insurance did) what they call a leisure bra. Nice for Sunday afternoons or stay at home days. Looks way better under my clothes than some of the regular support bras she tried to sell me on.

I always wear a really simple top when I go try on, so I can slip my top back on and get an idea of what the bra looks like with clothes. I was shocked at how horrible they all looked. Very lumpy and bizarre. When I commented on how bad it looked under my clothes, she said "well if you're going to wear a shirt like THAT'. ??? My wardrobe is already drastically reduced because of all of this...I just couldn't stand to be told that I couldn't even wear a basic top. 

Adulthood? None of this was in the brochure. 

We are having salmon croquettes for dinner. Or as we like to call them, crabby patties. Today it's appropriate. ; )  Thanks for listening to me fuss and complain chronicle my 'journey'...some days it feels like smooth sailing and other days I feel like I've been pushed off a cliff. But I guess it's all a part of the trip.

Hugs and love, my friends. : ) 

12 years

Twelve years ago tonight, we kissed our little guy goodnight for the last time. He woke up in the arms of Jesus early in the morning.

It still hurts. A part of my heart still swells with ache when I recall those last days and the days following. And yet now as the years have gone by, it seems more settled. Less of a piercing and more of just an ache.

But still an ache.

The hurt is less extreme. There was less dread this year. I know part of the reason for that is that I now live in the shadow of not just what this awful disease has done to another person, but what it can do to me. And I to live every day with the realization that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow.

And yet if we are His, we are guaranteed more than a tomorrow…we know He’s made a way for our eternity. So thankful for that.

Hugs and love to you, sweet one. We do still miss you and wonder all the what if’s. But we are thankful there is one thing we don’t have to wonder about. Your forever.

Love, Mommy