I was eating lunch with a friend yesterday. We were actually talking about the 'thing' that happened the other day with the lady on the phone. (and we hit on pretty much that whole post. Nobody I know in my real life knows I blog, so I guess it's 'used' material when we discuss it, but whatever.) We were also talking about giving in general. And I was going on and on about how I want to sponsor a Compassion child. But then I said I didn't know when it would happen...
...because of irrational fear. Do you want to know what it is???! It's the fear that something 'bad' will happen to the child while we sponsor it. Crazy isn't it? So many good things will happen to this child IF we sponsor it, but I can't get over the possibility of something terrible like an incurable illness coming to this child and having a front seat watching something happening half way around the world. I think sometimes I just can't go there anymore. I try so hard sometimes to protect my heart. But from what? I know in my heart that sponsoring would bring so much hope and happiness and just a chance for life to be different for them.. which is so wonderful and amazing.
And yet there is that stupid, irrational fear. My friend and I were talking about it and I was afraid it wouldn't make any sense to her. But she said it did on an emotional level. And I guess that's good.. I'm not totally whacko. Just a little bit.
This whole thought process runs it complete opposition to a discussion a friend at church and I were having the other day. She was telling me how she was so glad I could show to the world that there is life after what we went through with Bub. That there can be happiness and joy. And I teared up. Because on the one hand, I know that is true, but not because of *anything* I have done or can do for myself. I know there are many ways in which God has healed my heart. And I know that it is only because of Him that I have any measure of peace and joy regarding Bub. He is the only reason I've been able to continue. And I can see it in myself when I've begun to stray from God and I begin to 'see' my thoughts in different ways and realize I'm not really 'with' God at that time, if that makes sense. And of course, those thoughts remind me of where He wants me to be. Abiding in Him. (there's that word again!)
So there is it.. the jumble of irrationality and relationship that intermingle constantly in my heart. There is life and happiness and yet just under it, there is a story of 'other times' that are never that far away. A strange life sometimes.
4 comments:
It surely is a mystery, to me, too. I am grateful that you have such a good community around you to talk and reflect with. Your faith is a beautiful gift. God bless you and your family.
I have some sympathy for how you're feeling. I have a lot of "irrational" fears too, but I am getting better. You may, deep inside, be feeling guilt, like you are trying to replace your son with a Compassion child, but in reality you know that's not true. I would encourage you to "go for it!" That's the best way I have found to conquer my fears.
Jill.. I don't think we're feeling like we're replacing him or anything. But it's just weird. I think we will probably go for it after the first of the year. Any real good that a child would receive far outweighs any *possible* bad that might or might not come. It's a win-win all the way around.. I just have to let go of the fear of something difficult happening.
I have Irrational Fear also.
I never knew what to call it until I read your post.
~Dawn
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