the necklace

I knew when we were in preparation for losing Bub that I wanted a piece of jewelry to remember him by. I'm not talking about 1 carat diamonds or some fancy somethin' somethin'... but I wanted something meaningful to carry with me. This is what we chose. Bub loved butterflies and green was his favorite color. When the jeweler showed me this made up with some ugly stone color, I knew it was perfect. We chose an emerald for the butterfly because green also signifies life. And Bub is experiencing more of life now than he was when he was here. That's so hard for us to grasp sometimes. His headstone has butterflies on it and talks about is illness and then says "the struggle of the cocoon is over... he is free!". I love that! That is what this life is... a struggle until we're freed from this body to receive our a new life in heaven.

I wear my necklace every day. It has started some interesting conversations. I get compliments on it almost daily. Sometimes I just smile and touch it. Other times it opens a door to tell someone about our son and his cancer journey. And other times to tell of the Father's amazing love for him and us. This necklace has come to symbolize so much. When I got it, it was to mark a passing, but the longer I've worn it, it reminds me of a future. Free of the cocoon.

Wii Fit Kitty

After the last few posts, I decided I'd make today kind of a Wordless Wednesday... although I can't resist sayin' a little bit! Isn't she cute?!
If it's on the floor, she wants to lay/sit on it. So we weren't surprised when she decided to camp out on the Wii Fit balance board. Too funny. I don't think it works that way though.
The view from behind. I don't think she's gonna get any skinnier doing it like that! LOL

Funny girl! And yeah... she really is a wide load when you see her from the back like that!

the questions, part five

I could just as easily title this post 'the lady at Walmart' because I had quite an adventure yesterday. And yes, Walmart does have something to do with what I've been discussing in this here 'questions series'. At least it does today. And yes, I'm hoping to get to my point soon. I guess I've been working my way to it sloooowly. Anyhoo...

I went to buy my groceries at Walmart yesterday. This lady walked right up to me and told me she was new in town and needed to ask me a question. I was expecting something along the lines of 'where are the canned tomatoes?'. But nope! She launched into a full scale 'if you were to die today, why should God let you into His heaven' assault! I guess I was really expecting the tomato question. Because I just stood there a minute. This is usually the kind of thing you read about...but it never actually happens to you. I'd never had anybody jump in my face like that. And frankly it was weird. She was zealous, but I could feel it that she didn't know what she was doing. Looking at a card to ask me one question was my first hint. I felt sorry for her. I told her "because I know Him and I'm His". I hoped that would cause her to ponder what she was asking. But nope. I had given her the wrong answer. What she wanted was "I've said the sinner's prayer." (I kept wondering just how many unchurched people even know what the heck 'the sinners prayer is'... ummm none probably!) Because she asked me if I'd said it more than once during this whole thing and I began to feel like she was trying to nail me against the wall. I finally said 'yes yes yes!' to answer her question. I walked away very frustrated and angry at myself. I should of been able to give her an answer for the hope that I have. And in a way, I did. But not to her liking.

You see, this is the very thing I've been leading up to. Knowing! Really knowing. In the Bible, knowing is a personal, intimate thing. When one knew another, in some cases, a baby came. That's pretty personal and intimate. God wants to be close to us. He doesn't want us to just be running around Walmart being zealous. But to really know Him. And that is what I began to do. To answer her question truthfully... no I didn't really say 'the sinners prayer' in the way she thinks it. But I did begin to know the Father. I began to listen for Him and confess my sin/sins and my need for Him and express my desire for Him etc. In effect... a sinner's prayer. But more lengthy and detailed and over the course of time and I began to KNOW Him. I began to pray and read His word very regularly!

And He began to reveal Himself to me in a real and powerful way. I began to hear His voice. The voice I thought must not be real. Well.. it is real. He wanted to talk to me! How thrilling! The first thing I heard Him say was "I love you" and even thinking that now makes me smile. I needed to hear Him tell me that. That I... the individual I.. was indeed loved by the Creator of the universe. Personally. I continue to hear Him as well. It was not a one time revelation. He continues to speak.. He is always speaking, as someone I know says. I know things are not right between He and I when I can't hear Him. I've gone somewhere else and need to return to Him. Fellowship is broken and I'm not hearing and knowing Him in that moment. And I need to fix it. So I do.

About the verses I struggled with in other posts and the way I dealt with what they say. Well, they're real, too. And they are saying something real. We spend too much time trying to deconstruct what God's trying to say and missing the truth along the way. Hanging on to one verse that we think says it all when often we don't know what He really says about things because we haven't searched and don't see other verses that tell a broader story of salvation. Or maybe a narrower story would be a better word for it. God began to open my eyes to so much in His word and about who He is and He continues to do so.

A book God used in me and continues to use is in my sidebar. An Exciting New Life by Andrew Murray. It's a wonderful, beautiful book that simply and eloquently lays out the new life and takes the reader into almost every book of the Bible in the process. Even though it was written many years ago, it's message is timeless. In thinking about these posts, I dragged out my old tattered copy and it took me back to the time He first revealed Himself. It was precious and it still is today.

There are so many other things to say... but there's always another post! : )

the questions, part four

I ended my last post with THE question... what is salvation? I should begin here to say that I think I had pretty much given up when God began His work in me to bring me to Himself. I was very disillusioned with things, to say the least... all the while active in church, thinking this was just how it was... 'haves' and 'have-nots' in God's kingdom, perhaps.

And I was a have-not.

I began to see what's not salvation very quickly. I think I'd seen it all along in other people, but failed to see it in myself. Or fully understand it.

It's not just saying a prayer and getting baptized - someone I once knew called that 'a done deal' and felt like someone should be 'assured' at that point. (think: 'parable of the sower' here. Not every seed falls on good ground. Many seeds die out!) I had done that more than once and still I struggled with doubt for years. I cringe when I see little kids who've mumbled out a prayer being scurried to the front to ask for baptism. In many cases, (not speaking for every case here.. just my experience!), this sets up a chain of struggle and doubt that can reach ahead years and years.

It's not being religious in whatever form that takes in a person's particular circle. There was a time years ago when Disney was O.U.T. And now, it seems like THE thing... evvvverybody's got to 'go to Disney'. I guess the boycott's over! That's just an example. It might be 'put your kids in private school'. There is a list of 'we do this but we don't do that' rules that's a mile long. What we wear. How we act. What to say and do to 'fit in'. Every group has it's norms. They're what you do if you're OK and want to be accepted. I had the rules figured out to a T. But you know what? Those rules don't help with doubt. So then what do ya do? None of the religious laws or norms made me closer to God. They showed me all the more that I couldn't do it and I struggled with emptiness all the more. And yet I continued to think I just must be a 'have-not' in the kingdom.

Sadly, there isn't much of an answer to the struggle most of the time. I've seen 'new converts' brought in and nurtured and shown everything from how to work in the nursery to scrapbooking (you know... taking care of photos in an archival manner is sooo important in light of eternity. Um, NOT!). We're taught to come in and be active. But never really taught in most cases how to relate to God. Not just to relate... to know.

I began to see I had under estimated some words. One of them was know.

the questions, part three

Since I was pretty much starting over, a lot of things I had held on to didn't have much meaning any more. Verses that I'd held onto for assurance suddenly didn't seem like friends to me anymore. The Baptist mantra of "once saved, always saved" rang pretty hollow to me as well. God was really stripping away a lot of junk accumulated over the years. I felt like a banana with far too many layers. It hurt to be peeled like that.

But it continued. And with it...lots of questions.

I began to realize I didn't know God's voice. I had never thought I needed to know it. I had even heard pastors say they'd never heard God speak before. So I felt like I was in good company. But with this 'do over' in my life, that didn't hold much water anymore. A verse that kept coming back to me was "My sheep know My voice" (John 10). Well, I certainly knew I had never heard it before. So what did that say about me?! Could it be that I wasn't "His sheep" after all?

How do I reconcile this??
Matthew 7: 21"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.
22"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?'
23"And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS."

What kind of people would 'prophesy in Your name' and 'cast our demons and perform miracles'? Ummm... church people! THAT realization really scared me! So, what does it really mean to know Him??

And this??
Matthew 7:13"Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.
14"For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it."

After reading everything else, did I really think I was on a road leading to life?

Of course all of these questions led me to THE question. What is salvation... really???

the questions, part two

Let's see.... where was I. It's hard for me to write all of this down. For one thing, it's been a while and my memory's not what it used to be. haha. But then also, there was a lot to this. I can tell my story over and over and it not sound the same, but have elements of how God worked. So yeah.. its kinda tricky trying to put it all down in some sort of 'order'. I hope I don't leave anything out. Yesterday it felt so ummm... intimidating trying to write all of this down, since I've never done that. And I didn't have a clue what I was going to say today until late last night. He began to reveal to me more and more what He wanted to say and bringing things to mind.

One of the things God had me to do was erase every preconceived idea I had about Him. To pretty much scrap "my faith" and start all over. That way, I wasn't hanging on to ideas I'd picked up from reading books or some pastor along the way. But truly letting God reveal Himself to me. That was hard. I had many preconceived ideas about God that I was unaware of until then.

I also let go of everything I thought I knew about the Bible. After all... if you're gonna chunk what you think you know about God, but then hold on to stuff you think you understand about the Bible, it's not going to get you very far. I had to come to the Word like I had never seen it before... and in many ways I hadn't... and let God reveal Himself and His Word to me.

Basically, I was starting from scratch.

It's hard letting go of what you've learned. And I had learned a lot. I was always learning. But... God began to open my eyes to the fact that I was "always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth." 2 Timothy 3:7 This was very hard and uncomfortable as it took me out of my comfort zone. I felt like I was being exposed. It was a very scary time for me. I realized I had nothing.

I began to seek God in earnest. I had always has my "quiet time" at night, when I had one, that is! When I was exhausted. And after I had trudged through the day without Him. God began to work in me that I needed to start my day with Him. To say I was less that enthusiastic about that was an understatement. I hated the idea and I was pretty angry about it.

But I did it.

A verse God brought to me later on, but illustrates the point of what God was wanting to show me is "In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice. In the morning I will order my prayer to you and eagerly watch." Psalm 5:3. When I started my day with God, there was an expectancy and a knowing that He was at work and that I needed to seek Him throughout the day that just reading a little and sending up a prayer before I crashed at night could not provide me.

And in the middle of letting go of what I thought I knew about things and seeking Him for the first time, came lots of questions.

the questions, part one

Several questions were posed to me recently and I thought I would use this place as a way to answer them for myself.

I grew up in a Baptist church. I was in church my whole life. I remember giving my heart to God and feeling better. Over and over. It felt like a merry-go-round sometimes. I could never figure out 'the key' to getting it to work for me. I watched other people and their relationship with the Father. And sometimes I would even think "I want that". But most of the time, the people looked just like me. Struggling just as much as I was. And yet, like me, covering that with doing and saying all the right things to fit in.

Fast forward a few years. Married with children. Two to be exact. I was struggling. Struggling with motherhood. Nothing dramatic. It's just hard. Can I hear an 'Amen' ladies?! I knew I didn't have the intimacy with God to handle the things that were coming my way. And yet I kept trudging forward. I would pray sometimes when I was real desperate. And yet I think I knew my prayers at that time weren't getting above the ceiling fan. And yet I kept trudging forward.

But at some point I knew I was not right. I began to see things in the Bible that disturbed me to the core. I couldn't shake them. Basically all of Matthew 7, starting at verse 7. These are some of the most umm.. uncomfortable verses in the Bible. And no shock to me, since we try our hardest to stay away from things that bother us, verses I didn't read. But suddenly I was drawn to them over and over. And I couldn't let go of the words. I carried them with me to the grocery store. To take care of my kids. Folding socks. Everything I did. Those words kept coming back.

I knew I had to do something.

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

And so it began.