for the rest of my life

I know I’m making a lot of lifestyle changes. And I am enjoying them. Really, I am. But there are some days that the weight of all the changes, plus everything else just weighs heavy on me.

I was walking the other day, with all these things running through my head. I was overwhelmed with all the new things in my life that feel like “must-do’s” and I was starting to get really stressed out. And a little depressed.

All I could think about was…I am going to be trying to do ‘all these things’ and struggle to stay well for the rest of my life.

It was a lot to take in. And it sounded so much like the truth. Isn’t the enemy brilliant at making things sound so *right* inside our heads?

But thankfully there was another Voice not far behind that one. Saying “no daughter, all you need to do is love Me for the rest of your life and I will take care of you.”

*tears*

So that is where I am today. At times in both places. The place where I am stressed out. And the place where I am resting in the Love of my Father. Hopefully in the coming days the Truth will be more alive to me and the “other voice” will be drowned out by His Love.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

a new twist on breakfast

I like to eat breakfast, but I am ashamed to say that it used to consist of either toast (with jelly) or something like Cheerios.

Since this new turn of events in my life, I’ve been changing just about everything about how I eat. One of those changes was my morning meal.

I started eating oatmeal. And not the stuff in the packets either! I must admit I just buy “old fashioned” oatmeal…I haven’t graduated up to the steel cut stuff…yet! Baby steps.

I have never liked oatmeal much, but I knew it was super healthy for me. And when I had company for a week that cooked it for me…in a different way every day…I began to see oatmeal in a new light…as a blank canvas.

So these days, I am likely to eat apple cinnamon, almond coconut, or banana oatmeal. And they are all YUMMY. : )

My basic oatmeal “recipe” for my one serving is 1/3 cup of oatmeal and 2/3 cup almond milk (I get the unsweetened kind), a little drizzle of honey, a few shakes of stevia and a teaspoon full of (refined…meaning unflavored) coconut oil. Bring to a bubble and cook to desired doneness.

But to that, I add the goodies…a little bit of applesauce and some cinnamon with a splash of vanilla. Or about a half of the smallest baby food jar size of banana and some vanilla. Or non-refined coconut oil (meaning it tastes like coconuts…unlike refined oil) and some almond extract.

Sometimes I put some flax seeds in the mini blender with a spice grinding blade and make some powdered flax to sprinkle on top.

It’s very yummy and it fills me up much better than toast of cereal. As a matter of fact, I don’t even miss it. And THAT is saying something. : )

food tv

The buzz all around is that Paula Deen *finally* admitted to having type 2 diabetes. Surprise!

not.

I feel bad that she’s got diabetes. I really do. But what bugs me are the recipes all the FN “stars” put out. Just about everything is decadent. It’s all about taste and not very often about health or nutrition. I find myself totally uninterested in Food Network (and sadly we don’t get the Cooking Channel) because there isn’t anything on there I want to eat! Every once in a while Rachael Ray will make something that is healthy…she is all over the board with her recipes, so sometimes it’s good for ya. And I know I can think of recipes here and there that are ok, so I don’t want to get nailed for this. But by and large, most of the stuff on that channel is bad for you.

When are these cooking stars going to start taking things more seriously and use their powers for good instead of evil make healthy food???

And especially Paula because she has now gone on tv and admitted she has a disease directly linked to the way she eats…whether she wants to admit it or not. I know there are other factors…trust me I know…both my parents were diabetic. But what we eat is a big player in this. A big one.

Come on “stars”…help us eat good food that’s healthy too!

and worth every mile

I visited the new onc today. It was 40 miles of white knuckle driving…each way. But so worth every mile. : )

He was the kindest man. And he listened to me. And agreed with the things I’ve been saying. He has some views that are similar to mine, I feel. He seems to be a bit of a rebel and I like that. No, I need that. I needed somebody to step outside the box with me and help me find the best care. And he did. And he didn’t even have to have that open a mind to find a better treatment for me than what was offered at my old onc. I remember saying she never said that at the other office several times.

He is in agreement with all the things I am currently doing…even saying they are excellent things to do. The same things my other onc wouldn’t even acknowledge, much less actually discuss. He told me not to lose any more weight. Not sure about that one, since I have a belly pooch that really needs to go. But he suggested I do resistance training, which I have done in the past. He wants me to gain muscle mass..it is helpful for me chemically for where I am right now. He recommended a book to me by Vonda Wright…Fitness After 40. He told me the title over and over again and I couldn’t figure out what he was saying. I kept hearing Feet…Feet After 40. He is from Columbia and has a pretty heavy accent. He talked about a lot of things that made sense to me. Some things were very shocking…going on bc pills before 20 triples your chances for breast cancer. I’ve never heard that from anybody. Not even a gyn I took my daughter to see and discuss going on the pill. I am ever so thankful we didn’t do it. His comment to me was DON’T DO IT. Trust me, I won’t. He has been around long enough that he’s seen a lot of things and he’s got a wealth of knowledge and not just knowledge, wisdom. I have no doubt that my old onc has a lot of knowledge in her…but not a lot of wisdom…or people smarts. She was so hard to talk to..impossible to have a conversation with about my care. She was like a blank wall. Not so with Dr. O.

I walked in and signed in…one girl at one desk. I filled out my papers and sat down. In one waiting room. At the old clinic, I’d sign in and sit down..in the first waiting room. And then they’d hand me a folder and I’d have to go through another waiting room and stand in line at a window to give her my red folder for her take one piece of paper out and put it in an orange folder to be send to a third waiting room to wait to be called. No joke. And then they took me to an exam room that looked like it was going to be in a storage closet…I stayed so turned around in there that I couldn’t even find the bathroom by myself. The old office just wasn’t very user friendly on many levels…and that’s putting it mildly. Today I stopped at the nurse’s station right outside the exam room and met one of his nurses…who was very warm and friendly..and then followed one sign to the appointment desk to made my next appointment and left. It was so easy compared to the other office that was a tangled mess of red tape from walking in the door to walking out. It seems as though it will be well worth the drive for me. So thankful to have found him.

I got in the van to come home and called the hubs to let him know how the appointment went…and ended up almost in tears because I was so pleased. Thankful to be in tears for a different reason after an appointment. : )

a night and day difference

Yesterday I went to a new doctor. He’s not mainstream.

I have pretty much decided that I had find something else. My husband and I were not crazy about my onc. I couldn’t stand her or her office. Every time I went in, I left angry and depressed.

The office really felt like death to me.

And she really didn’t treat me like much more than something else to fill in on a chart or graph. To say she wasn’t very personable is putting it mildly.

I was just struggling with what to do.

And then I began reading about what I’ve got…and alternatives. Alternatives that aren’t toxic to me or to my uterus or my liver or anything else. There is so much controversy surrounding tamoxifen right now…and the thought of taking it scared me just as much as the thought of having breast cancer. So I was left in quite a quandary. I had also been reading a lot about diet and one of the big things I have seen everywhere is that sugar feeds it (and more accurately spoken insulin levels…but simple sugars send insulin soaring..so split the hair any way you like). And yet at my onc, they had a bowl of hard candies on the check in desk on the day of my first visit, and then on my second, a nice huge spread of holiday sweets because Christmas was just around the corner. I was livid. Why don’t they just put out poison? It’s quicker and at least the patients would know what they are getting themselves into when they eat it.

So I was struggling with what to do next. I had been reading a book by Suzanne Somers and many of the things rang true for me. So I began researching the names of doctors in the back of the book. And found one in the general area we live in, but still far away. They also have a clinic in LA. When I spoke to the lady in LA, she said that the clinic near me is booked a year out. A year! And then she told me about a doctor they refer to…that is about ten miles from my house. (!!!) Give or take a mile. So he is the one I saw yesterday. An integrative doctor. I have never ventured far outside the mainstream so this is a switch for me. In the process of actually listening to me and discussing my problem and viable solutions, he told me that he knows of one onc that they ‘work with’ that is open to using the west and the east to keep my disease at bay.

It was the first time I have felt any sense of caring or well being from the medical community since I visited my onc for the first time.

I visit him next week. He works in a conventional practice..another location owned by the same practice I previously visited (and hated). But even though he works in a conventional practice he is older and hopefully wiser and can help me find a treatment plan..whether it be something other than the tam…or the tam and other things to support my immune function. But for the first time, I feel better about my options and my future.

Please pray for me and my appointment next week. I am nervous and want it to go well. Also it’s in timbuktoo compared to where I live. Probably an hour drive away..and I’m pretty nervous about that too.

Happy New Year…and all that jazz. : )

Happy new year..and Merry Christmas, for that matter. : )

I got an email from somebody today asking how I was doing and if I’ve blogged, and I just thought I’d update on the ole blog…even though I will send her an email anyway. *smile*

We had a great holiday. We decided to ‘do’ Christmas…the presents etc…the Monday before Christmas. I know that’s kinda early, but it worked for us. And for the girl. She was done with school and it gave her plenty of time to chill and fiddle with her new gadget, an iPod Touch, before it was time to hurry up and hit the books again. (we started again over last weekend…a little earlier than her public school buddies..but it worked for us)

We went to look at lights one night. And visited a local hotel that really does the holiday up big. Ended up not feeling as big this year as in years past, so I didn’t take a single picture. *sad face* But it was nice to get out and we still had a fun day.

At the beginning of December, I didn’t even feel like fluffing the Christmas tree, so we didn’t do one. We did decorate the mantle with garland and a wreath, though. : ) But now, I am feeling a lot more like myself. I have started walking and have been enjoying doing some little jobs around the house that slipped when I had my surgeries.

The girl caught a viral sinus type bug around Christmas time from going to the pediatrician for pink eye. And then ended up giving the cold-like deal to me. It is lingering a little bit for both of us, but I was able to put the humidifier away today. 

Last night I slept in our bed, only to realize by morning that I was really missing my recliner. So it will be back to the chair for me when bedtime rolls around this evening. My body just isn’t ready to lay flat yet.

But…something my body *is* ready for…I got fitted for a bra and prosthetics today. It was actually fun. I know that sounds weird. But I went to a very cute shop in one of the hospitals in the big city near here. And the ladies there are amazing. She made me feel right at ease with the whole process. I didn’t know if I would be in a light hearted mood, or end up in tears. And thankfully it was just a really fun experience. And because of the nature of the whole thing, kind of funny at times. I did my best not to let the “this is awkward” feelings creep in, because it is what it is. And she is there to help me and there isn’t any reason for me to feel weird.

I ended up with some cute little boobs. They had one bra that fit me in white…along with my B girls. But I really prefer beige colored bras, so they were going to order them for me. And believe it or not, the bras were only $30! Bras cost more than that just about everywhere, so to me, $30 felt like a steal. I walked out with two bras on order. But as I was driving home, it hit me that I really need three bras…it’s hard to keep two bras clean, especially when it gets hot. And if I had two beige ones, it wouldn’t be such a big deal to have one white one. So I might call them tomorrow and see if they’ve still got the white one and go back and get it and ‘them’. I didn’t know how it would feel to wear ‘them’, but it didn’t feel that weird at all. Once I had on a bra that fit correctly, it all felt very natural. Weird, isn’t it?! They also come each in their own box, and after washing them at night, I’m supposed to put them back in their contoured form inside the box.

My two cake boxes for my two foobs. Ha!

stitch-free

I got my stitches out late yesterday…so I am stitch free. And tonight I can take a tub bath instead of a shower. I am so excited. : )

I read over yesterday’s post and my writing sounds like my 4th grade self. Pretty scattered…sentence structure could use some help. Hmm..is this the way I really talk when I’m not editing myself for the blog? Or am I just a little bit scatter brained these days? Don’t answer that.

I was so happy to be rid of my stitches yesterday. And I know I’ve said it before but I love love LOVE my plastic surgeon. She’s a sweetie. She got rid of my stitches…those were weird by the way..wire’y and pokey and all sorts of ‘y’s…and none of them good…except for healy. That they did. And she took some of the glue off from my first surgery and picked at things cleaned things up a little bit more. Before I know it, I will just have light pink lines where the ladies used to be.

And speaking of the ladies, I asked about when I can go shopping for a new bra and prosthetics. And she said in a couple of weeks. Is it weird that even though I have been very ‘ok’ to go around flat like this, the thought of having girls again makes me happy.

Even if they will be padded or silicone or whatever. I’ll have a bump…a smaller one…I am going for a B this time..instead of the D I had in real life.

So before long I’ll have faux/fake boobs.

Faubs…or foobs if you will.