cyber-hug, y’all!

I’m so thankful for my little corner of the internet. You girls are the best. I so appreciate all your prayers and well wishes yesterday.

It was a good day. I didn’t melt down. My thoughts didn’t even ‘go there’ very much. I had a lot of stuff on my to-do list, so that helped keep me occupied. And I have had this idea on the back burner. I have tons of photos from way back when still in the packages from the photo lab, from the years before we went digital. And nobody ever looks at them because they’re buried in boxes. I’ve hesitated to even count the number of rolls in those boxes, but I did it yesterday. Even though I know I would have to pass my fingers across the years of Bub’s life and all his days as a sick little boy.  I counted 51 rolls of film in all from 98-03. Holy cow! So that might be my next little project around the house. Getting those into some order in books so we can at least look at them.  Not scrapbooking them. Just in albums. But I say all of that to say that I did that.. on that day.. and it was ok. I was so thankful! : )

I do love seeing your comments and feeling your love and prayers so much! When I see your names, I know who you are!  I love that. : )

So thanks again, girls! ))cyber-hug((

8 years

So how is she, really? I’m sure I’ve had that asked about me a lot, so here goes.

Well, this is the anniversary date. This is the day it ended. And began. Bub’s life here ended. His pain and sickness ended. Our pain at watching our child die ended. But other things began. First and foremost, Bub’s eternity began. God gave me the opportunity to see that bringing Bub to Himself was precious to Him. (Psalm 116:15) I was reading through Psalms in the mornings during this time and that was my morning reading the day after, which would have been the day of, but I skipped that morning because we lost him that morning. *I* could not plan that! It is something I had a hard time comprehending at first, but something I continue to cling to and grasp more fully. Also, our lives began again in a new way. And then there was that pesky thing called grief.

I remember not long afterwards, I was talking to the child life person from the clinic and she was telling me how parents who’ve lost children will say things like “it’s been one year, or it’s been five years and I still….” I wasn’t even thinking that far down the road at that time and yet here we sit 8 years later.

So… back to my original question. We are well. Or fine, or good, or whatever the correct term is. We are also happy. Yes there are days, moments, little episodes that take my breath away and pierce my heart. We experienced them when we went to Disney World. There were little boys evvvverywhere. Several of whom did funny little things our little boy would have done. Sometimes that would make me smile and remember. Other times I would turn away with tears in my eyes. But those are just moments. Sometimes the moments are more prolonged. Birthdays (8/27) and anniversaries (today) are more difficult. The mind tends to want to play out the last days, moments, conversations, snapshots, feelings, experiences… one after another. Like a movie. Except I know the ending, because I was in it. Yes, those moments are hard. Those moments make me feel like my heart is going to break all over again.

But thankfully those moments don’t define me. My day to day life is not centered on grief. We are happy. We laugh. We play. We just have this other piece to our puzzle. But we all have puzzles. Some of the pieces are pretty and fun to finger and put into place and other pieces are rough around the edges and might cause pain when we have to touch them, but they make up the whole. This is something that changed me/us and is a part of who I am today. So in that way it does define me.

But it’s not the only definition of who I am. Just a piece. But this piece has changed my outlook on a lot of things, including my thoughts on eternity and on God and who He is (for the better, I might add). I am constantly amazed and humbled with all that God has done with the rough puzzle pieces. He’s given me the opportunity to walk along side other women in their grief, to share, to write notes of encouragement, and to grieve along side. And to rejoice when the morning comes.

Because it does.  Thanks for being an encouragement to me as I’ve written about and lived out the years after Bub’s passing and grieved and rejoiced along side many of you, as well.

Great is Thy Faithfulness.

Happy Easter

It has been amazing to be studying John while Easter approaches. Just looking at the Father’s love for us, while we were yet sinners, is truly heart stirring and humbling, to say the least.

Happy Easter, everybody. *ps. On my last post, blogger was acting weird and one of the comments went poof. I didn't delete it. : )

A short story about a broken foot.

I wrote in the Random Dozen yesterday that I broke my foot several years ago. And since several of you one of you wanted to know about that..here’s the story.

Several years ago, on Good Friday, which was also spring break, the girl and I were going to run some errands. One of them was to get cat food. It’s a prescription.. so I have to buy it at the vets. But I will tell you, she doesn’t have many hairball problems and her urinary tract is a delight.. so I guess it’s worth it. ; )

But on the particular day, as we were leaving, we had to walk across this driveway and then down a step. I totally missed the step and just kind of sat down. In EXCRUCIATING foot pain. Like..I thought I was gonna throw up, kinda pain. Her eyes were as big as ping pong balls as she watched me tell her I was fine, and then cry like a baby. Yeah.. I’m great in labor.  Even as I sat there retching and bawling, I was counting ‘six weeks from now’ in my head. I felt BAD.

We didn’t think it was broken at first (per a medical opinion), but it never healed. Finally right about the time school was letting out for the summer, I had a CT that showed it was indeed broken. I got my cast the day before the last day of school and spent the summer in a cast. Let that one sink in.. I spent the hot Texas summer in a cast.  And I didn’t wear it for the usual six weeks.

I wore it for EIGHT weeks. In the Texas summer heat.

And another thing about that cast…I was hoping for hot pink, since I think that’s kinda cool and sassy, but they only had white. I’m still bitter about that! 

And y’all, I ain’t crutches material!  They actually scared me to death every time I had to use them. I could just imagine myself falling flat on my rump or my face. Thankfully my podiatrist told me about a place I could rent a scooter. Not a Hoveround kinda scooter, but more like a backward tricycle. I could so mow you down in Target! Just sayin’.

I have never had a broken bone, so I didn’t really understand all that entails. But basic things like oh say.. taking a bath, were downright torture. I sent hubs on a mission to Target to buy me an electric razor that day!

That scooter is the only thing that got me through, lemme tell ya. 

Got my cast off in late summer. I’m not even going to ‘go there’ with how awful that leg/foot looks when it comes out of a cast. *shudder* I will say that I hopped up on the bathroom counter and gave that leg a good scrubbing as soon as I got home from the podiatrist that day! Started therapy (in a boot) and finished that in hmm October maybe.. the week before a field trip with hiking and walking. A field trip that I was going to chaperone. Yeah. But by then, I had finished PT and some core training and had some new shoes for my ‘new’ foot and actually did really good on that trip.

So I don’t wear flip flops any more. *sad face* I’m sorry but ugly Birkenstocks are NOT as pretty as cute little flip flops.  But I am thinking about trying flip flops again. After all, I’ve never missed a step, before or since. Hmm.. Should I get a cute new pair for the summer? Yay or nay?  What do you think, girls?

Some Eastery Random

Oh my gosh.. first of all.. the button this week for the Random Dozen is so cute.  I love it! And now.. on with the show!

1. How do you feel about the marshmallow Easter Peeps? I love them. But I only like the chicks.. in yellow or pink please.

 
2. Chickens are notoriously nervous creatures. When you are nervous, what is the best way to calm down?  Step away from the moment and pray.

3. People say, "April showers bring May flowers." Do you enjoy Spring rains?  Not really. The only redeeming thing they do besides water the earth, is give a brief break from the pollen. It has been a doozy with the pollen this spring though!

 
4. When I was randomly flipping through TV channels this week, I saw a show in which tattoo parlor employees received tattoos of a co-worker's face on their bodies. I can't imagine having a portrait of a colleague tattooed on me. But if someone forced you to receive a portrait tattoo (face only) of anyone, who would it be? Why?  Probably our son.

5. Would you rather have a tattoo (any kind) or a nose ring? I would rather have a small tattoo.. NO nose rings for me. And make it a cute little butterfly.

6. Do you have any special plans for Easter? Nope. 

7. Cadbury Eggs or Reese Eggs?  Neither. They both have milk in them. *sad face* If I could eat them, I’d love both of them equally. 

8. What was the last thing/person you took a picture of?  I took some snapshots of some old pictures that belonged to my parents.

9. What book are you reading now, or what was the last one? I haven’t been reading very many things of late because of doing BSF.  But I’ve started reading the new Lysa TerKeurst book and an old book by Sandi Patty.

10. What do you think is the most difficult task when it comes to Spring cleaning? Window screens.

11. How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? One. I use them when we go to the water park. They are the same ones I broke my foot in. I’ve kind of lost that lovin’ feelin’ about flip flops after that unfortunate incident a few years back. But I’ve been toying with the idea of giving them a second chance.

 
12. Which color makes you happiest? PINK. I know you’re shocked. :  )

To check out everybody else’s Random-ness, hop on over to Linda’s place at 2nd Cup!

the elephant

I feel like the countdown has begun.

It starts at Miss Boo’s birthday and continues on until April 5 (plus a few days afterward).

It’s the countdown to Bub’s home-going anniversary.

The mind replays everything in those last days. Happy moments. And the hard days want to push themselves to the front of my memory as well. Sometimes begging to be played out like a movie in my head. Except I know the ending.

Somebody asked me recently if we do anything special on that day. 

I told her…no, we both just go through the day giving each other knowing glances, all the while not discussing the elephant in the room.

And I think that’s how we feel right now..yep there it is.

Sigh.

I’m sure you never…

…. wait entirely too long to sweep the kitchen floor.

Yeah, me neither.