I feel like I've got a moment to breathe today.
Life has once again leveled out for a moment and I've been able to exhale a little bit. Again.
My tendency is just to dust myself off and forget about everything. But I can't. And God doesn't want me to.
Because if I do, then I tend to forget how dependent I really am on Him when life is hard.
And when it doesn't seem quite as hard. Because my need is the same. No matter what.
But for today... I'm enjoying a moment to breathe... a moment on the plateau.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
lunch
I had lunch yesterday with a sweet friend of mine. We'll call her SF...short for sweet friend. The cleverness never ends, does it? Anyway... I am little surprised these days that she even wants to have anything to do with me. I haven't been much fun lately. But she agreed to meet me for lunch yesterday.
Because that's what SF's do.
Our conversation covered a wide range of topics. We talked about documenting our faith stories for our children. (little does she know about my blog, since none of my IRL friends know about it.. that I know of!) I told her about my recent shot record fiasco. And since she knows the details of the major things stressing me out these days, we talked about that some too. And I could hardly keep from bawling for most of our meal.
I started on some new hormone medication the other day and laughingly told her that I checked to see if mood swings were a side affect and alas they were not. So my crazy emotional state is all me. I don't know whether to say LOL or boo hoo, ya know?
We also talked about how we've both experienced different kinds of losses. And that those losses are teaching us not to hold on to things like our children quite as hard. I nodded in agreement...tears already filling my eyes. Life is fragile.
She is not the first person in the past week I've had that discussion with.
But talking about not holding tightly to our children reminded me of something. Something I have never told her. Something I've never told anybody. I remember very early on in my walk with God, that He was calling me to tell Him that my children were His. I think I knew that mentally and in our denomination, we do what is called a dedication where the parents promise to raise their kids and bring them up to want to know Christ and 'dedicate' our children to God, but for many it is mostly a ceremony and a photo op. And deep down in my heart, I knew I was holding on to my children and so this is why He was calling me to tell Him they were His. I did.
And I grieved. Like a death.
Probably a year or so after that is when neuroblastoma came into our lives. And you know the rest of the story. But I think a part of me grieved that loss long before it was to become a reality. Sometimes people say that my story makes them hold on to their own children tighter.
Don't.
Hold on to HIM tighter. Because He is the one that holds their lives in His hands.
Because that's what SF's do.
Our conversation covered a wide range of topics. We talked about documenting our faith stories for our children. (little does she know about my blog, since none of my IRL friends know about it.. that I know of!) I told her about my recent shot record fiasco. And since she knows the details of the major things stressing me out these days, we talked about that some too. And I could hardly keep from bawling for most of our meal.
I started on some new hormone medication the other day and laughingly told her that I checked to see if mood swings were a side affect and alas they were not. So my crazy emotional state is all me. I don't know whether to say LOL or boo hoo, ya know?
We also talked about how we've both experienced different kinds of losses. And that those losses are teaching us not to hold on to things like our children quite as hard. I nodded in agreement...tears already filling my eyes. Life is fragile.
She is not the first person in the past week I've had that discussion with.
But talking about not holding tightly to our children reminded me of something. Something I have never told her. Something I've never told anybody. I remember very early on in my walk with God, that He was calling me to tell Him that my children were His. I think I knew that mentally and in our denomination, we do what is called a dedication where the parents promise to raise their kids and bring them up to want to know Christ and 'dedicate' our children to God, but for many it is mostly a ceremony and a photo op. And deep down in my heart, I knew I was holding on to my children and so this is why He was calling me to tell Him they were His. I did.
And I grieved. Like a death.
Probably a year or so after that is when neuroblastoma came into our lives. And you know the rest of the story. But I think a part of me grieved that loss long before it was to become a reality. Sometimes people say that my story makes them hold on to their own children tighter.
Don't.
Hold on to HIM tighter. Because He is the one that holds their lives in His hands.
Friday, April 24, 2009
why? *edited*
So many things have been going on lately. Stressful things. Things I can't really blog about, but anyhoo.... a very big issue that's been going on, undid itself yesterday, letting me take a huge exhale and hopefully put this one little problem 'to bed' as they say. Not to say that everything is peachy and everything is 'over'... far from it. But this one detail that was up in the air for weeks, isn't any longer. And I'm so glad.
But... right when this thing happened (and again I hate to be vague, but sometimes it's just best, ya know) ...anyway, when this thing happened that put some things up in the air, I struggled and was angry and confused and didn't know where to turn next and was just generally exhausted from the stress and anxiety of everything. And then fiiiinally I prayed. I know. My bad. Why do we think we've got to handle everything? When God wants us to cast all our cares on Him, because He cares for us? I will never know why. But still, I do it.
And something happened when I prayed. I got a response. Getting the response itself wasn't really the interesting part... but the response was. And yet from where I was sitting, I could not see how in the world we were gonna get from Point A to Point B... especially from where I was sitting at Point A. It seemed impossible. And that led to more distress. Again, trying to handle everything and caving in under the stress of it all. And why???
I have struggled a lot this past few weeks. I would remember Point B as it had been laid out before me by God... and look at where we seemed to be....still hovering around in A Land and it just tore me apart. And the clock kept ticking and nothing was happening.
Yesterday the phone rang. Point B! It just landed in my lap. Big exhale. And yet, as I hung up the phone I realized I could have exhaled several weeks ago. But why??? Because of me. My flesh nature that reasons and thinks about things and tries to figure things out and worries and and and...!
We were never meant for that. I know that. And God knows that. And sometimes He gives me a refresher on it. Again. : )
*Edited* Some days the light at the end of the tunnel is a train. *sigh*
But... right when this thing happened (and again I hate to be vague, but sometimes it's just best, ya know) ...anyway, when this thing happened that put some things up in the air, I struggled and was angry and confused and didn't know where to turn next and was just generally exhausted from the stress and anxiety of everything. And then fiiiinally I prayed. I know. My bad. Why do we think we've got to handle everything? When God wants us to cast all our cares on Him, because He cares for us? I will never know why. But still, I do it.
And something happened when I prayed. I got a response. Getting the response itself wasn't really the interesting part... but the response was. And yet from where I was sitting, I could not see how in the world we were gonna get from Point A to Point B... especially from where I was sitting at Point A. It seemed impossible. And that led to more distress. Again, trying to handle everything and caving in under the stress of it all. And why???
I have struggled a lot this past few weeks. I would remember Point B as it had been laid out before me by God... and look at where we seemed to be....still hovering around in A Land and it just tore me apart. And the clock kept ticking and nothing was happening.
Yesterday the phone rang. Point B! It just landed in my lap. Big exhale. And yet, as I hung up the phone I realized I could have exhaled several weeks ago. But why??? Because of me. My flesh nature that reasons and thinks about things and tries to figure things out and worries and and and...!
We were never meant for that. I know that. And God knows that. And sometimes He gives me a refresher on it. Again. : )
*Edited* Some days the light at the end of the tunnel is a train. *sigh*
Thursday, April 23, 2009
she's been 'in'
The cat has been 'in' today. But what has she been in? Hiding? Nooooo.
Has she been in a box? Nooooo.
Has she been a stowaway? Nooooo.
Has she been in a basket? Nooooo.
Where has Annabelle been? She's been IN a carrier so she could go IN to see the vet. The fun never stops for me, people. My biggest problem this morning was getting her out from under the bed. She must'a heard me talkin' about her appointment this morning and decided to hide her little self just out of reach.
Great.
At different times, different things work to get her out. Dragging is NOT one of them, but the way. Sometimes water running will do it. Or turning on the vent in the bathroom. (she used to watch Boo take a bath all the time and still thinks turning on the vent means water will run soon). Or opening the front door so she can look through the glass. Well, today none of that stuff worked. So...
...I opened a window in our bedroom and let the sound of little chirping birdies fill the room. And she came out in about 5 seconds flat. I snagged her and put her in the bathroom until it was time to go. She did fine and now has some new sprinkle meds for her food and some eye drops.
That's always a fun one.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I spy
Sometimes kitties are all about body language... and this little pose pretty much says.... I spy with my little eye....
A bunny rabbit!
I know the pic isn't the greatest. I was taking it through the window. If I open the door,
sometimes it scares them and they hop away. This one and sometimes one other
one are regular visitors. On Easter morning they were both
hopping around and playing together and just being bunnies
I guess. So cute! : )
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
what does 90+9 equal
Today I felt like I had a million things on my to do list. I was needing to make some phone calls. And I was also waiting on some calls from the day before that I had not received. Well, I was washing my hair and the phone rang. Yay.. one of the calls I was waiting for. From Boo's pedi.
About shot records. Sounds simple enough, doesn't it?
I told her I got a notice from the school that she needed one of her boosters, but that I knew she got it one night in urgent care (in the same group with her regular pedi, by the way). So the nurse told me to call urgent care and ask for it.
So I called urgent care only to find out they are NOT owned by the same people as her regular pedi any longer. And when that happened, it seems like they shipped all of those records to the children's hospital for storage and started over with a clean slate. So I needed to call the hospital and see if they could dig it up.
I called the hospital and after pressing one and six and saying yes and all that stuff I got to talk to a real live lady. She told me that I would have to sign a release of records for her to send me the shot records. ok. Can you fax it or email it? yes. (great..we're getting somewhere and it looks like this isn't going to take all day) Then she said it costs 90 cents for each page of things they have to print out for me. I knew it was just one page. So 90 cents. ok. She said she could bill me. That sounded great too. But then she said she had to receive payment of the 90 cents before she could release the shot records to me and that if we did things through the mail, it could take ten days to two weeks to complete the request, transaction and retrieval of my one piece of paper that has a one shot record on it that costs 90 cents.
You gotta be kiddin' me!
But the school needs this by May 5.
So I decided I needed to go down there so I could pay thestupid 90 cents and get my stupid one piece of paper with one shot noted on it. But nothing is as easy as it seems. Can you pick up on the theme of the day yet???? So I asked her where I needed to go to pick it up.
I loved her answer. "The hospital".
Me: (thinking) No duh, lady... I called YOU! "So where at the hospital should I go?"
lady: Have you been here before?
Me: um yeah.
lady: the basement
Me: (surprised) OH! I've never been to the basement before. (probably the only floor I've never been to at the children's hospital... remember this is where Bub was treated. Just the smells bring it all back.) So do I get on the regular elevator in the lobby and take it to the basement?
lady: No. There is an elevator next to the marble stairs. Take THAT elevator down to the basement.
Me: Oh ok.. I didn't even remember there was an elevator there. (duh..feeling pretty stupid because I thought I had every inch of the public places at that hospital memorized... and yes I had walked near those elevators dozens of times and did not remember them. sigh!)
So I got there and found a parking place. I hate parking garages. Even ones I'm familiar with. But I didn't do this one correctly and I ended up in an unfamiliar section (spoken from the girl that parks in the same place at Walmart every time so I can find my car.. ahem!) and I sort of freaked out that I was not gonna be able to find the roof. My ace in the hole is finding the roof to the parking garage and parking there. I know the roof. So finally I found my way up. But not to the section I'm comfortable with..on the roof. But I figured that part out. And remembered where the door was to the staircase that leads down to the skybridge that takes me over the street to the hospital to the marble stairs and the forgotten elevator to the lady named Sheila that had helped me over the phone and was sort of ready for me. I filled out a release. And paid my 90 cents. And then I got my one piece of paper that says she has had this one shot.
And I left. And drove down the maze of the parking garage, told the guy in the toll booth what I was there for (medical records) and he told me I didn't need to pay since I wasn't a visitor. And he raised the gate and I drove home.
But on the way home, I decided I wanted to make a copy of this silly record, because this isn't the first merry-go-round I've been on regarding this ONE shot since she got it at urgent care, it's like it was given in the black hole and I'm forever having to remind them that she got this one shot. Well NO MORE!
I stopped at Office Depot to make one copy of my one piece of paper. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, I had to slide my credit card in a slot on the copier to make one copy that cost 9 cents. And it took forever since this machine kept trying to tell me it was low on paper (like I care at this point!) and insisted that I press a dozen buttons in order to make my one copy. For 9 cents.
So I got my copy and made a run for it. What a day... and it was only 10:30am. So what does 90+9 equal? A big pain in the boo-TAY!
And that was just the little pesky piddly thing I needed to get out of the way before I moved on to the 'main event' type stuff I had to take care of. I finally got home from all of that stuff and ate my lunch around 2pm.
What a day!
About shot records. Sounds simple enough, doesn't it?
I told her I got a notice from the school that she needed one of her boosters, but that I knew she got it one night in urgent care (in the same group with her regular pedi, by the way). So the nurse told me to call urgent care and ask for it.
So I called urgent care only to find out they are NOT owned by the same people as her regular pedi any longer. And when that happened, it seems like they shipped all of those records to the children's hospital for storage and started over with a clean slate. So I needed to call the hospital and see if they could dig it up.
I called the hospital and after pressing one and six and saying yes and all that stuff I got to talk to a real live lady. She told me that I would have to sign a release of records for her to send me the shot records. ok. Can you fax it or email it? yes. (great..we're getting somewhere and it looks like this isn't going to take all day) Then she said it costs 90 cents for each page of things they have to print out for me. I knew it was just one page. So 90 cents. ok. She said she could bill me. That sounded great too. But then she said she had to receive payment of the 90 cents before she could release the shot records to me and that if we did things through the mail, it could take ten days to two weeks to complete the request, transaction and retrieval of my one piece of paper that has a one shot record on it that costs 90 cents.
You gotta be kiddin' me!
But the school needs this by May 5.
So I decided I needed to go down there so I could pay the
I loved her answer. "The hospital".
Me: (thinking) No duh, lady... I called YOU! "So where at the hospital should I go?"
lady: Have you been here before?
Me: um yeah.
lady: the basement
Me: (surprised) OH! I've never been to the basement before. (probably the only floor I've never been to at the children's hospital... remember this is where Bub was treated. Just the smells bring it all back.) So do I get on the regular elevator in the lobby and take it to the basement?
lady: No. There is an elevator next to the marble stairs. Take THAT elevator down to the basement.
Me: Oh ok.. I didn't even remember there was an elevator there. (duh..feeling pretty stupid because I thought I had every inch of the public places at that hospital memorized... and yes I had walked near those elevators dozens of times and did not remember them. sigh!)
So I got there and found a parking place. I hate parking garages. Even ones I'm familiar with. But I didn't do this one correctly and I ended up in an unfamiliar section (spoken from the girl that parks in the same place at Walmart every time so I can find my car.. ahem!) and I sort of freaked out that I was not gonna be able to find the roof. My ace in the hole is finding the roof to the parking garage and parking there. I know the roof. So finally I found my way up. But not to the section I'm comfortable with..on the roof. But I figured that part out. And remembered where the door was to the staircase that leads down to the skybridge that takes me over the street to the hospital to the marble stairs and the forgotten elevator to the lady named Sheila that had helped me over the phone and was sort of ready for me. I filled out a release. And paid my 90 cents. And then I got my one piece of paper that says she has had this one shot.
And I left. And drove down the maze of the parking garage, told the guy in the toll booth what I was there for (medical records) and he told me I didn't need to pay since I wasn't a visitor. And he raised the gate and I drove home.
But on the way home, I decided I wanted to make a copy of this silly record, because this isn't the first merry-go-round I've been on regarding this ONE shot since she got it at urgent care, it's like it was given in the black hole and I'm forever having to remind them that she got this one shot. Well NO MORE!
I stopped at Office Depot to make one copy of my one piece of paper. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, I had to slide my credit card in a slot on the copier to make one copy that cost 9 cents. And it took forever since this machine kept trying to tell me it was low on paper (like I care at this point!) and insisted that I press a dozen buttons in order to make my one copy. For 9 cents.
So I got my copy and made a run for it. What a day... and it was only 10:30am. So what does 90+9 equal? A big pain in the boo-TAY!
And that was just the little pesky piddly thing I needed to get out of the way before I moved on to the 'main event' type stuff I had to take care of. I finally got home from all of that stuff and ate my lunch around 2pm.
What a day!
a mode change
Yesterday while I was cleaning up after dinner and there certainly isn't anything else to think about I was contemplating all the many things going on in my life right now. Difficult and stressful things. Things that will continue for some time in the future. And I came to realize something I didn't really want to admit.
I have been trying to spiritually coast through these problems. I've been dealing with a large sum of struggles that are interconnected as if they are just one little isolated crisis and when it passed and another came shortly after that one, it bit me on the butt spiritually every time.
If I keep coasting, I'm gonna end upin the funny farm having an even harder time than I've had already had. And more stressed out than I've been in a looooong time.
I realized last night that I need to change out of 'coasting mode' and into 'crisis mode' spiritually. In crisis mode, I spend more time with God because I need it. I lived in what I guess you could call a spiritual crisis mode the whole time Bub was sick. AndI handled God handled in me things that I couldn't even imagine in my worst nightmares. And in some ways, that's where I find myself today. Not necessarily of 'nightmare' proportions, but a time of crisis none the less. And I need more of Him when times are hard. I know that and yet I've been in denial that this is where things are and that this is God's way for me to deal with it.
But it is.
So there ya go... for once I could admit this need without a kind friend having to get in my face and tell me to get with the program. Aren't you glad?
I have been trying to spiritually coast through these problems. I've been dealing with a large sum of struggles that are interconnected as if they are just one little isolated crisis and when it passed and another came shortly after that one, it bit me on the butt spiritually every time.
If I keep coasting, I'm gonna end up
I realized last night that I need to change out of 'coasting mode' and into 'crisis mode' spiritually. In crisis mode, I spend more time with God because I need it. I lived in what I guess you could call a spiritual crisis mode the whole time Bub was sick. And
But it is.
So there ya go... for once I could admit this need without a kind friend having to get in my face and tell me to get with the program. Aren't you glad?
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