my inheritance

Yesterday wasn't exactly my dream birthday. But hey...at this age, my dream birthday would be to turn 25 again anyway. Just sayin! I woke up at something like 4:50 something a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. This day is already shaping up nicely.

I really needed to help my dad get some of his 'affairs in order', as they say. We needed to see a lawyer, take care of some money matters and take care of a few odds and ends. Between him and me, we had put this off long enough. I needed to take my hubby with us, as my eyes glaze over about 5 minutes into these sorts of things and I needed another set of ears. He was already planning to be off yesterday anyway, so yesterday it was.

It took most of the day to take care of all that stuff, but I'm thankful to say that for now, it's taken care of. We went straight from the last leg of our journey to school to pick up Miss Boo. Yesterday was their first cooking day in Home Ec. She brought me a cupcake for my birthday that they had made in class. Chocolate. I ate it in the parking lot. Maybe this day isn't going to be so bad after all.

I had already told that in no uncertain terms mentioned I didn't want to cook yesterday since it was my birthday, so I knew I had 'dinner' to look forward to. But by early evening I was so exhausted. I couldn't of cared less, so we ordered Papa Johns. I was thrilled to not have to leave the house. On a Friday night. We aren't 'crowd' kinda people anyway. It worked out.

I didn't waste any time last night getting the day washed off me and getting into my jammies. I was beat. Or maybe just beaten down. I have a thing I made while Bub was sick that has expressions of Jesus on it. (but as Alton Brown would say, "that's another show"...er, post!) One of them is rain upon the mowed grass. I felt trampled and broken by the end of the day, so I just began thinking of Him raining down on my beaten heart last night. Nourishing. Refreshing. Healing. This is better than the cupcake!

Finally God began to draw my heart to the word inheritance. Hadn't most of the day been spent dealing with earthly inheritance? But what is my real inheritance? I began searching the Word last night and ended up in Ephesians 1.. my favorite book of the Bible. I always think of chocolate when I read Ephesians....it's rich and delicious and makes me think mmmmm every time I read it.

5 He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will,
6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.
7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace
8 which He lavished on us. In all wisdom and insight
9 He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him
10 with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens and things on the earth. In Him
11 also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will,
12 to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory.
13 In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation--having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise,
14 who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God's own possession, to the praise of His glory. (NASB)

My inheritance!

do you like it?

Do you like my new 'do'? I made it myself! I've been waiting for a good time to put it up. I asked my hubby to do it for me today since it's my birthday. I needed a little pick-me-up.

I hope y'all are having a good day. (don't forget my other post today with Mr Cuty-Pants' baby pic)

best present ever

Today is my birthday. Woop-T-doo to me! I guess I'm not excited to be a year older like I used to be when I was younger.

But take a look at that face. This is the best birthday present a girl could ever hope to receive. This is a pic of Bub at only a few days old. And no, we aren't this red in real life. We're more like very white.. since translucent isn't really a color. But there he is! All 8 pounds and 6 ounces of him. And y'all... I ain't all that big a girl. And yeah... my girly doctor wouldn't let me carry him as long as I carried Boo since I tend to make my babies on the porkier side. He was in the oven two weeks less than The Boo who weighed in at 8 pounds 3 ounces!


He came out 'backwards' and that set the tone for his whole little life, bless his heart. Um... yeah... he was breech. But he finally got here after an emergency C-section.

I remember seeing him when I finally 'came to' enough to care. (I had to be knocked out. My epidural.. the one that didn't do so hot during labor..well, it didn't do so hot during an awake C-section either!) He was so pink and beautiful and his skin was so soft and he had hair. We had done it again. We had made a beautiful, perfect baby.


Little did we know what his little short life would hold.

drooly julie and a side note

I took the kitty in to the vet today to get her teeth cleaned. This is not like when people go... this is an all day production that includes anesthesia. Of course, just a blood draw would be an all day production including anesthesia for our cat.

But today it was just the teeth.

I took them a perfectly cute, well manicured, fluffy haired baby. What I got back was a nasty haired, glassy-eyed drooly julie. One part of her leg is shaved for the IV. We had to unwrap that when we got her home lest her cute little partly bald leg blow up to the size of her head.

Groovy.

She's locked up in the bathroom because I don't want to step in her slobber. My poor kitty is a mess! Have I mentioned she's real drooly today??? And as a bonus... more pills! Groovy.

On a side note. I had a good day yesterday. I spent it with a friend I hadn't been able to catch up with in a while. She likes to keep me company around this time of year and is the only person that mentions/remembers these special dates actively. Like I said, it was a good day.

the candle and the talk

Around this time of year, I of course, think about Bub's last birthday with us. We had just gotten out from transplant. He had a stem cell transplant.

It's not what it sounds like. These are baby blood cells harvested from his own body. I know... amazing. Anyway, these little cells act like they have homing devices on them and they 'find' the area that needs repair. In his case, the bone marrow, and go there and set up household. Simplified explanation, but pretty much the way the doctors explained it to us.

Anyway, we had not been home from the hospital very long. I think we got out around the 17th or 18th and school started for Boo THE NEXT DAY. Yeah.. a crazy time. And we did TPN at home. TPN is IV nutrition. Yeah we did that. At home. Us. Crazy, huh?! His port was accessed when we left the unit, so we didn't have to stick any needles into him. We put the bag of lipids etc on the counter to warm up and after it warmed, we had to add six components to it. One of them required we break a glass vile and then draw the vitamins out with a filtering needle (in case glass got in it. at least that doesn't scare a mom to death!!) and then putting it into a regular needle to inject into the bag. One of them had to be kept in the dark. One of them this and one of them that. It was a production. But we did it. We hooked up the IV to the pump, did the flushes etc, got it going for the night and kissed him good night. He would sit up in bed every morning and we'd ask him if he 'ate' and he'd say "All froo!" and point to the little flattened bag on his night stand. Soo cute. Of course this required me to get up about once an hour through the night and change his diaper since well... all that liquid's gotta go somewhere. To say I was exhausted during that time would be putting it mildly.

By his birthday, things were beginning to settle down. It seems if I remember correctly, he was beginning to eat a little bit and we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as far as the TPN situation. We couldn't have a party since he was on social isolation, which means we couldn't have company because of germs. And he couldn't go anywhere.. because of germs. Soo... I remember making dinner and then we had cake. I bought a little "4" candle for it. It was very exciting. We didn't know if he'd make it to "4". Some of the kids we were in transplant with died before they got out or shortly thereafter. (I still have his "4" candle. I think a part of me knew I would want to keep it, no matter what his outcome.)

But we made it out. And we celebrated! I remember sitting at the table blessing dinner and just crying because we had made it 'this far' and he was feeling good and we hoped 'all of this was behind us'. (I think back on some of those thoughts and I know I still had a touch of naivete left in me at that point...or maybe it was HOPE.) But I was so overwhelmed at God's faithfulness and provision thus far. It was a sweet birthday.

We found out about two weeks later after they did a BMA (bone marrow aspirate) that his marrow was indeed still diseased. We don't know if he relapsed very quickly or was never 'clean'. It didn't matter. It was over. We ceased treatment. He would feel and act normally for another six months or so. In mid September we had 'the talk' with the doctors and he was feeling well enough by then that the doctors told us to "go and do". They offered us a wish, but we declined. He wasn't much of a 'go-er' and was happiest being at home and just doing his normal stuff, so that's what we did!

eleven

On the calendar for today is a small letter (Bub's initial) and a number "11". We try not to think about it and the day goes by without much mention. At some point today, the hubby and I will exhange glances and that will say it all.

Today is a day that would have been. Today Bub would have been eleven.

I could go on and on about the "he will nevers" in our lives.. he will never be an adolescent. He will never go to middle school. On and on. But there are other "he will nevers". He will never be teased on a playground because he might be slower or less coordinated than his classmates because of his treatment. He will never hurt again. He will never cry again. He will never be sad or scared or afraid of the dark.

A side story: We were talking to Boo one time not too long after Bub's passing and having a discussion on heaven. Remember, she was seven at the time, so it was pretty simplistic stuff. But that's ok, because Jesus wants us to come to Him like little children. Deeply dependant and wide eyed with anticipation. Anyway.. we mentioned that were was no night in heaven... only light. And her reaction... gee whiz.. he always gets to do the fun stuff! I think I was a little stunned by her reaction. I guess I expected more quiet reflection. But anybody that has small children and have experienced a loss can tell you... kids will totally surprise you with their responses at times.

But her words are correct. He does get to do the fun stuff. I saw a picture at the Christian bookstore not long after we lost him. It was a depiction of Jesus holding a little boy. I didn't buy it. I am not very crazy about 'pictures of Jesus' since we don't know what He looks like. But the mental image has stayed with me a long time. My baby, my little deposit in heaven, can sit in Jesus' lap and be loved and cared for with an eternal love that is beyond anything we can experience here. He is where I need to be today. Sitting at Jesus' feet.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy!

buying groceries

I guess you could call this post "an open letter to certain mom's at the grocery store this morning".. but I know that's kinda long for a title. So I kept it short with "buying groceries".

Anyhoo... I always buy groceries on Monday morning. I sit down, work out the menu for the week, make out my list and head out. It seemed like every time I turned around, another mom was on a cell phone. Laughing and really paying attention to what was happening on the other end of the line. All the while TOTALLY oblivious to the small children she had in tow.

To the lady in front of the spices: While the idea of pulling over out of everyone's way to have your phone conversation sounds good in theory... especially if you're in the car at the time.. it loses something when you're blocking the entire spice section. And oblivious to that fact as you chat away. I guess you're also oblivious to the fact that your little four year old darling almost pulled a TWENTY POUND bag of flour onto the floor in front of himself. You wouldn't know because I shoved it back and kindly said no... but you didn't even see it!

To the other lady chatting away: I know I am a very overprotective mother. Everybody who knows me, knows that fact. I also know what can happen if a child falls out of a basket. (not from personal experience.. you know...'cause I'm all overprotective and all.. but I DO know!) You didn't see me turn my back on the mayhem going on in your basket with junior climbing and moving around all over the place inside. You missed the look on my face as I winced at the thought of what could happen to your cute little boy... 'cause you were on your cell phone.

It breaks my heart to see moms of little kids totally disregard them. One day these moms will wake up... if God so desires it.... and their little four year old will be thirteen and they'll hang up from their cell phone conversation and wonder where all the time went.

I dunno. Ask your friend, maybe she can tell ya!