going to the place to do the thing

***This is a rant...you've been warned. lol***

I have been getting phone calls from the funeral home that did Landon's 'stuff'.  It had always gone to the machine because I wasn't home. And I never called them back.

Well, a few days ago they caught me. Drats! Seems they have new owners now and they wanted me to come by and check on my paperwork and make sure their info is correct bla bla bla. I asked how long it was going to take and they assured me that if I didn't have any questions, it would not take very long. So I made the appointment at a time that I could squeeze it in 'just to run by there and get it done'. Whatever 'IT' was.

Well...I arrived for my appointment a few minutes late. I had to run by the vet to get some stuff for the cat (we think she has cancer..she's 14..it sucks but it is what it is..she's an old cat. Anyhoo..) I walked in the door and my eyes immediately went down the long corridor to the door we walked through to see our baby's little empty shell for the last times.

And lost it. Nice. : /

So I am quietly trying to pull it together, Gertrude and this older lady asked me why I was there and offered to escort me to a small room to wait. She was nice and is very good at handing out condolences so she pretty much insisted on giving me a hug while I am doing all the sucking it up I can get ahold of.

Well...I know..lots of well..a lady and a man came in. Double teamed. Fun. And they chatted a little bit about the plots we own bla bla bla. They also chatted me up about Landon and commented on his stone etc (honestly I was surprised they knew what was on it!)  and I think that helped them have an idea of what all we went through before they ever talked to me. It was sweet but hard talking to them. But really their intent for about 99 percent of the visit was pre-need. Y'all. I was so not prepared for any of that. I wish they had been more honest about their entire intent for the visit. But I guess if they did that, they would have very few people go through the door. But UGH. It took an hour!

So much info and so much to think about. On top of the emotions and the every day stress of being in remission. I didn't say a word about that..they would have been all over it and had me dead and in the ground before I could sign my name. LOL

I finally made it home around 2pm and dumped some veggies and fruit in the Vitamix and dumped a smoothie in an old Nutribullet cup with a lid and ran out the door to pick up someone.

Some days adulting is just hard. 

***end of rant..thank you for listening, my friends!***

Hello, amazon prime? I need boobs.

So..my fake boobs wore out. Yep. I didn't even know that was a thing.  But now I know.

It's a thing. A real thing.

I noticed a bit of cloudiness in the same corner of each one just the other day, and thought to myself that their days were numbered. And then I quickly dressed one day and washed the girls to put them on later in the morning. Which meant I was wearing my glasses.

Well. They weren't just having a little trouble. They were in full on failure. As in I could touch silicone. Y'all..I just wasn't ready for that.

I looked at my flat self in the mirror and started making calls.

I needed a scrip to get them paid for by my insurance. (they aren't cheap and we finally met our deductible..so I know for doggone sure I would like somebody else to pay for it) And there aren't very many days left for that this year. And I called the boob store and they had to order them. Where is an off the rack 'rack' when I need it? Sigh.

Oh well. It will be ok. They will be in before the end of the year and hopefully they are compatible with the brand I was currently using. Nothing is simple, folks. I told my hubby tonight that if it weren't for insurance and all that jazz, I wish we had just overnighted them from amazon or something.

Because I hate to say it, but it's been hard. As in depressing. Very depressing. I hate the way I look flat. I was busty before my surgery and my new girls were cute and perky and just right for my small frame. And now..nothing.

I dread going out the door and people looking at me. Never mind I went around for about seven months like this after surgery. But I guess I was psyched up for that. This came out of the blue and it has taken me by surprise.

Cancer steals so much. And now it's getting another laugh at my expense. I know I am more than the sum of my parts. I get that. But I also get it that I just want to fit in and not be self conscious.

My girl and I even tried to make a temporary set yesterday. That didn't work. I have been looking up crochet patterns to see if we can find something simple enough for her to make (since that is a new hobby of hers).

So yeah..Flat Stanley's very flat sister is on the loose this holiday season. Merry Christmas y'all. : )

holy ground

On that day in 2002, the birds were singing and the skies were a bright blue.  There wasn't a cloud in the sky...just the one that hung over our hearts as we buried our beloved one.

Today was much the same. Except we came in shorts and tee shirts. Holding flowers. For our sweet boy. 

That day was perfect. I know that sounds strange. The weather was stunningly beautiful. The perfect 'no temperature' temperature for a spring day.

Today as we walked up the small incline to his place, I watched my flip flopped feet. My only thought was we are standing on holy ground.

Not because there are lots of headstones and much grief there..and not because my baby's empty shell is buried there. But because of how I met God that day.

He was in the birds singing. And the breezes that caused the wind chimes to play their melodies.

And He was in me. I sat and felt those breezes and knew at that moment, it was Him breathing His Spirit around me and into me when I needed it like never before.

Today, it felt very much like years gone by, but the knowing was even more real. My hand pressed against the cold stone touching a name that is only a spirit now.  My girl and I exchanged knowing glances and she left me just to be for a moment, breathing it all in, touching, listening. It's all the same...yet He is more real. 

Thank you Father for breathing Your Spirit into me every day...but with an extra measure today. 

Happy anniversary, my beloved one.

I'm here

I guess that is a good way to start. I'm here. I am fine. Just sipping my green smoothie of this beautiful Lord's day and so aware of His grace and faithfulness to me.

There are so many things I could talk about. I could tell you about my Vitamix and how amazing it is. It really puts the smooth in smoothie. Or I could tell you how much I'm loving the early spring we are having. We worked out in the yard yesterday as a family and it was so nice. It's making me itch to plant some veggies. : )

But really more than anything, my heart his heavy. There is just so much going on in the world. And in my little world. People around me are hurting. People are finding out they are sick. Dealing with death. Dealing with life. And it's all just hard.

And it is drawing me ever more to the feet of the One who cares for me. The One who knows my heart and knows all that is weighing heavy on it.  The One who delights in my prayers. And delights in me when things are hard and I hardly feel like a delight to anyone. Except the One.

Thank you Father for being the One that satisfies my soul. Bring me to be ever more satisfied with You and less burdened by life and realize where Life truly comes from.

May you have a wonderful Sunday, my friends.

this little piggy went to Walmart

I woke up in the night last night to a weird smell in the house. In my groggy state, it finally hit me...nail polish. She had polished her nails..all of them..right before she went to bed.

What a horrible smell. Worse than that, a VOC!

It got me to thinking. I have read articles and pins about not horrible for you nail polishes, but had yet to take the plunge and purchase any. I have just done without because it's not that big of a deal.

Well. Today it became a big deal. No reason. I was kinda crabby and needed in a pick me up. So thanks to google,  I had a list of possibilities. But one stood out because of it's cute name. Piggy Paint.

The more I read about it, the better I liked it. And they carry it at Walmart.

So this little piggy went to market and got some Piggy Paint!

It is in the kiddie section of health and beauty. (it is also carried in some baby stores and some froo froo boutiques on Main Street in a suburb near me) Walmart carried a two pack of what I would call tester bottles. Very tiny. I got hot pink and really pretty turquoise kinda like color (just go with it). I also got a bottle of remover. All vegan. All no VOC. No smell at all to the paint and very very little in the remover.

I came home and painted my piggies. They are hot pink and oh so cute! It was such a simple thing but it lifted my mood so much to look down past my hot pink tee shirt, and see my hot pink piggies in my hot pink flip flops. Made. Me. Smile.

So there ya go.

(They also have an adult line, a pooch line and a toenail line among other things. Worth checking out. But the kiddie stuff comes in many colors and if I like the wearability of it, I will just stick with it. It's easy and fast.)

Happy piggies. :)

ps..I should add that my girl rarely paints her nails, so it's not like she was exposing herself to these toxins every time she turned around. : )

the root of all sorts of evil

I got a root canal when the girl was in middle school. It never gave me any problems after that (or so I thought) and I never thought another thing of it.

Until I started reading about health. And guess what kept coming up again and again? Root canals! And just how awful they are for your health. Many in the natural cancer treatment community believe root canals are a major contributor.

Well..not good news for me to hear. So I started researching holistic and naturopathic dentists.  And finally I found one that didn't act like I was crazy for wanting to get a root canal OUT rather than putting one in.

So yesterday I got it out. I love this dentist. I think I will be using him for everything (for me) now. But back to 'the story'...he was very kind and listened to my concerns about my tooth and how that I wanted to get it removed. He agreed that we could go ahead and get that thing out. In the back of my mind I kept thinking that I was going to feel real silly if he pulled that thing out and it was 'perfectly fine'. I knew he would be rolling his eyes and I would feel like I had caused myself a lot of pain 'for nothing'.

Long story longer..he pulled my tooth. Oh my word. It was a bit dramatic. He had a hard time getting the crown off and I found myself wishing for knock out drugs about three minutes into the fierce tugging and stretching of the corners of my mouth to get his horrible instrument 'all the way back there' to get it out. But finally he got the crown cover and then the tooth out. Then came the scraping. By this time my brain had calmed down and the mouth stretching wasn't as severe so I 'relaxed' and he finished up the job.

And then he sat back and took of his face gear and told me the story. He said it was a super good thing that I had it removed because it was full of infection! None of it showed up on xrays etc. Remember, I wasn't having any 'problems' with it. He said it certainly wasn't a wasted effort on my part to get this thing out.

So here I sit today. Recovering. I actually feel pretty good. Last night, not so much. I took three Advils twice yesterday but haven't needed anything today. I have a chipmunk cheek on one side, my cheek is sore to the touch and the corner of my lip was stretched enough to crack. That is actually the most sore part right now.  He gave me aloe vera gel to put on the tooth area, arnica cream for the TMJ area of my jawline externally and a scrip for heavy duty pain meds that I haven't needed. I feel half way decent, given the circumstances.

Now for the interesting part..the tooth that I had removed was #2. There is a thing called a meridian chart that shows how each tooth corresponds to a part of the body. Guess which part of the body #2 corresponds to...my right breast. I will only give you one chance to guess where my BC was. Yep! When I figured all of that out, it sent chills down my spine.  And I am so thankful to get it out.

Mainstream doctors annoy me so much! Nothing they do is in unison with the rest of the body in their world but it is. And I think my root canal is proof of that.

So...my .02...think twice about that root canal. It could do more harm than good.

Further reading about the dangers of root canals here, here and here.  And those are just quick links I grabbed. There is a ton of info out there. Just don't ask a regular dentist. ; )

the dynamic duo

I made an appointment to visit a new dr because I had a sinus infection. (see previous post) I thought I was seeing the dr, but there is also a chiropractor in the office. Well, my appointment was with the chiropractor, who is also a nurse practitioner. Are you confused?

So was I! I was so thrown off by the whole thing. Anyway, she explained that they do things a little bit differently, which was welcome news. She prescribed colloidal silver for my sinus infection. The next day I was worse so I went to Sprouts and asked what else they would add to that. She commented that my sinuses were probably hard and needed to be broken up so they could drain. I knew...ew, right? So she suggested I add SinuZyme by Redd Remedies.

And together they are the dynamic duo. Yes, they knocked out my sinus infection in three days.

Unfortunately, I also have so nasty throat cooties going on. So she suggested I keep going with the silver and it should be knocked out in a week. So that's what I'm going to do..and see how it goes.

But if you have an infection..not just sinus..lots of different types of infection...and antibiotics aren't working for you, give colloidal silver a try. It just might do the trick. : )