the gardens

The weather this weekend was just about as perfect as it can get. It was sunny and in the 70’s on Saturday and I think it might have pushed up to 80 today, but very sunny and just light winds.

it was a perfect day yesterday to go to the city’s public gardens. We usually go a few times a year. It’s just so pretty out there…and there is a lot to see.

Plenty of life out there. We got a kick out of these turtles sunning themselves on a log.

We saw this beautiful (and very big) bird. I zoomed in to get a pic, so I didn’t get attacked disturb him.

A mommy duck and her babies swimming in the Japan area of the garden.

More to see in the Japanese area…

So pretty!

And then there’s my girl and I.

And just me. I am usually behind the camera.

Hiding.

But not this time. : )

We had a great time. Even though we’ve gone so often, we know just about everything we are going to see, there are always surprises. Like the turtles. So it’s always a new experience on some level and this trip was no different.

A beautiful day to be outside.

Don’t you think?

a reminder

Because sometimes I need to be reminded…

…of who I am.

where the wild things are

One day last week, I I was getting going on my day…and one of the things I do before time gets away from me is exercise.

I have one of these little dealies and it hooks on the door and I know the things I’m supposed to do every day. (I have a trainer) Anyway, I finished using it and opened the door so I could detach it and toss it in the corner. And then I plopped down on the floor to do some crunches and something else that I have no idea what they are called.

And while I was mid-crunch…I heard it.

And so did that cat.

We both zero’ed in on one spot on the wall right above the place I tossed my equipment when I took it off the door.

Scratching. In the wall.

So I did what any reasonable woman would do who is about to leave the house. I closed the door to the office so we couldn’t hear it.

But I was left with a little problem. I needed to tell the girl what was going on because I put a call in to the bug man to figure out what we needed to do (if anything). And he might call while I was gone. And I really didn’t think he wanted to be the one to tell her there might be something lurking in the walls.

And she might wonder why the door was shut. So I had to tell her. And the conversation with a little bit like this…

Me: So yeah…I heard this scratching a little bit ago inside the wall..INSIDE the wall..not ya know..inside the HOUSE…and um…I called the bug man to see what to do. But it’s not IN the house so don’t freak out {while I’m thinking…I’m freaking out… I hope it can’t get in the house}.

Her: A rodent? In the wall?

Me: Yeah…but it can’t get in. It’s in the wall. We’ve had this happen before and whatever it was figured out how to get back outside. {That sounds like a good story.}

Her: But what happens if it does?

Me: It won’t. I promise. {I really hope it doesn’t get in while I’m gone.}

Her: But what if it does?

Me: It won’t. {I don’t think it can..hm can it?}

Her: But what if it does?

Me: It won’t. {I hope it doesn’t, cuz it would freak us both out.}

Her: But what if it does?

Me: It won’t. I’m going to run my errand and it will be fine while I’m gone. I promise. {I hope nothing happens while I’m gone because I’ll feel like I dog if it does.}

And then I left.

And just so ya know…nothing happened.  And whatever-it-is seems to have figured out how to get out.  Disaster averted.

But maybe I should have just left well enough alone and let the bug man tell her about it. It would have been easier.

For me. ; )

a long {medical} week

Monday I went to my breast surgeon…and finally got released from her. Glad THAT was done.

Tuesday was my onc. I love him. I hate the drive, but I love him so much. I have decided that I will never wear my fake boobs when I go visit him because he can just pull up my shirt and do his thing and it’s a lot less drama than having to change into a gown. So there’s that. So Tuesday I was wearing a Christian tshirt (in my new size, since everything I own is too big) and he pulled it smooth so he could read what it said then asked where we go to church. I told him Bla Bla Baptist and he said “ah, Baptist, I love Baptist!” in his very thick Columbian accent. I wish I had asked him where HE goes to church. I really feel like he is a fellow Christian as well, but I failed to ask. {my bad} But anyway, the first question he asked me was how the meds he prescribed are doing. And so the first thing I had to tell him was that I wasn’t taking them. This…THIS was the moment that had me worried about my appointment for months. I didn’t take what he wanted me to take and I was dreading telling him so. When I read about the drug he wanted to put me on, it freaked me out, so I stayed on the supplement (natural alterative to tamoxifen) I started taking the first time I saw the integrative doctor (before I saw this onc..so I have been on it a long time now..relatively speaking). So I handed him my original blood work and my newest blood work from integrative dr guy and he was impressed. He asked me what I was taking and googled it and read about it while I sat there watching him, scared silly about what he was thinking or might say. Then he said he wishes the FDA would do clinical trials on things like this and that he can’t tell people to take something like that. But he was happy with my lowered estrone (the ‘bad part’ of estrogen) numbers. He was also very complimentary of everything integrative dr is doing and said he is a ‘good man’. Made me feel good that he is happy with the care I’m getting.

I think both my doctors for this are good men. My integrative doctor was very forward about his own faith at my first visit and he and his nurse prayed over me before I left. THAT’s unusual. So I do feel cared for and that’s a nice feeling. : )

I had blood work and then learned that I would find out the next day if something was amiss. So I guess this is how it will go from here on out..have appointment then wait on pins and needles for the following day to pass. Not fun. : /  But I don’t see my onc again for six months. Woot.

Yesterday I took my girl to the ortho…and our favorite girl, L has taken another job. We didn’t even get to say good-bye to her. It was very sad. The  other girls are sweet, but they’re just not ‘L’. I think I am going to try to find a way to contact her somehow.

And today I went to the dentist for a cleaning..and found out I have two tiny cavities. Bleh. 

And with that, my medical week has come to a close.

Hubs just called and he’s not working tomorrow. So the weekend is starting early…and I couldn’t be more ready. Happy weekend, y’all.

a new topper

I’ve mentioned before that I have had a lot of trouble sleeping in my bed since my first surgery. As a matter of fact, I had been sleeping in the recliner until recently.

We have had a sleep number bed for quite a few years. And I thought it was a dream come true until all of this happened. It just didn’t support me correctly. And it caused pressure points in weird places because of all my new stuff.

Enter the memory foam topper!

We bought a memory foam topper from the sleep number store and it has been a dream come true. I can finally sleep comfortably. It is soft, yet it supports my body without putting pressure anywhere. Love love love!

Yes, they smell. But we let it air out for about a week and then put it on the bed. I can’t even describe the difference this thing has made. I woke up this morning on my back…and nothing was hurting.

So! If you’re struggling with your bed…you might try adding a topper. It’s much less expensive than buying a whole new mattress etc. It does make the bed two inches higher and it makes a bigger difference than we thought it would. Thankfully I use Lands End sheets anyway, and they are generous. And my comforter is a bit large too..which is a miracle…they are usually cut so small.

So there you have it. Memory foam. <3

Disclaimer: I bought everything myself and sleep number and Lands End have no idea who I am..except for the other day when I was lamenting to a Lands End rep on the phone because they discontinued my favorite tank top. But other than that, no idea. : )

my radar is a little messed up these days

A friend of mine called me earlier this week to see if I would need distractions today. For a split second, I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about.

And then it hit me. She's talking about April. 5th.

THE day.

The day we lost our sweet boy.

And then I had a pang of guilt. Because even though I always know the date and time, my (radar) attention is focused elsewhere right now. Yes, I had thought of it and then quickly shoved it aside. I struggle with how to handle grief so it doesn't just take over my day...and my body (and mind and spirit). Because even though remembering him is a normal thing, going "down the tube" for a day...or several days...is not good. Or physically healthy for me right now.

Because I'm focused on winning my own battle and everything it takes to do so.

But my sweet one is still with me. Every blood draw, every stitch I nursed, every pill I pop, every shot I give myself (and I did that last night) reminds me of how he fought....and lost...and gained his heavenly home.

So happy anniversary in heaven, sweet boy. You are NOT forgotten. Ever.

my foobs and I…an update

Let’s see…where to start. I have been wearing my foobs some. I didn’t even take them when I went out of town, so there was a stretch of time that I didn’t even touch them. The biggest reason I didn’t take them when I went on my trip was because they were bothering me…ok, hurting…and I just didn’t want to mess with them. And they wouldn’t fit in my suitcase. But mainly the first one.

So recently I’ve had a renewed interest in trying to wear them. But as I said before, they can make me sore. Everything makes me sore. (more on that later) But I’d worked on trying to wear them. I’d have a good day followed by several bad days and it was just disheartening.

I came to the point a few weeks ago of wondering if I’d ever wear them at all. I had to deal with ‘self esteem” and how society views women. It was hard. But I began to see my value and my beauty more from the eyes of God rather than from the eyes of people, and in His eyes, I am beautiful and whole, even though to mankind’s eyes, something is missing. Realizing that has carried me a long way.

But a hard reality is that ladies clothes are not made for a girl that is a D, which I was previously. Nor are they made for a girl that doesn’t have breasts…because either they are low cut, which shows my uneven contours, or they are thin fabric which also shows my uneven contours. (I have started to invest in a few tops that have a busy pattern on them because it helps hide that sort of thing).

Thursday I went back to my plastic surgeon. I was overdue to see her for my last visit and have pictures made. Yep..pictures. In all my flat glory. I decided at the spur of the moment to wear ‘the girls’. And of course, when I had to take them off, she could see them on the chair with my top.

So the conversation began.

And I learned some things I wish I had known from the git go. I learned I am in the “infancy” of my recovery and pain is to be expected since I have scar tissue mixed in with my muscles. Nice, huh?! So that helped explain the soreness that followed the pattern of work out, get sore, rest, get better, wear the bra and foobs, get sore, rest, get better. It was obvious the pain was connected, but still very disheartening when I *expected* to just get used to them and wear them. (I also expected to push hard at working out and progress quickly and that hasn’t happened either..sigh!) So at least I had my feelings validated on that. But I wish I had known that right away so it would have been expected, rather than a frustrating surprise.

She told me the door is still open for reconstruction and that many of the issues I’m having now would be resolved. Implants are much softer than what I’m wearing in my bra now. I know because she told me…and because I touched the samples when I was in the room by myself. That was also eye opening for me. Her other option was to go back to the bra/prosthetic store and talk to them. Maybe a different bra or a different insert would help. So I went over there after my visit and we discussed more options. There are some training wheel prosthetics, for girls that have just had their surgery. They are foam with a fabric cover instead of silicone and much softer and lighter weight. So they are going to order some for me in a couple of sizes and I’ll go back and try those on and see what I think. They might be the stop gap measure I need to get me over the hump until I get all this scar tissue broken up that’s in my chest. (just typing that makes me hurt!)

Another thing about the implants is I really don’t want another surgery..or two..as the case may be. I am just getting started on exercising etc and I don’t want to mess with any of that.

But the implants are on the table so to speak. I have been wearing my prosthetics more since my appointment and I’m doing fairly well with them. So perhaps they will level out soon and then the implants won’t be an issue anymore. We will see.