freedom to hear

I am doing BSF this year. I knew from the beginning of the study in the fall that I wasn’t sure if I was going to “make it”. And I was right. It’s HARD and a struggle every week to decipher an answer to the very intricately written book of Isaiah.

So I’ve been thinking about quitting.

Several girls have been wanting me to stay. Don’t go, it will get better. When? I know it’s hard, but it’s good. I think they say that just to sound better. It’s more like it’s hard but we’re supposed to like it so we’ll say it’s good too. I have been struggling with all the different opinions about what I should do.

Sunday the pastor was talking about the Spirit of God. It was like water to a thirsty, dry riverbed. I was so needing to hear what was being said. He was talking about making a decision and going to God’s word and listening to Him speak. And it was like finally I realized that I had been so caught up in what everybody else was saying, that I couldn’t hear anything any more.

You see, in this Bible study situation, there are many voices that are begging to be heard. There is the one in ME saying quit, this is too hard. There are the voices of friends saying stay, it will get better. Pulling me in every conceivable direction. I felt stuck and told a friend just that the other day.

Her response..you’re never stuck when you’re walking with God.

But in this situation, was I walking with God? Or just at war about what I should do. Sunday it hit me that I was simply at war between the girls wanting me to stay and the voice in me saying this is hard. Quit.

But I had neglected to hear the one Voice that is the only one that matters. And when I stopped giving in to what everybody was saying, I had the freedom to really hear.

This study is not where I want you to be.

Yeah I know…sounds exactly like I’m quitting, doesn’t it?

Sorta.

But you know what, it’s not. I’m not quitting. I am following God and what He wants me to do. So there isn’t any guilt. Do you see the difference there? If I just quit because I want to, then I would feel guilty that I am letting somebody down or this one will be upset or whatever. But if I am only out to please the One, and I do, then there is no condemnation.

So I did pull out last week when my leader called to check on me. She knew I had been thinking and praying about it so it wasn’t a big surprise to her. I felt so relieved to be where I was supposed to be!

I wrote two posts a long time ago that never made it up about this very thing…hearing God. But they never saw the light of day. It was never right for me to post them. And now I know why.

God wanted to live it out in me instead.