For the next little while, I am going to blog about my kitty. We had to make the difficult decision to put her to sleep a week ago today. It was devastating for our little family. I know she's "just a kitty" but she was our kitty. And she came into our lives a little less than a year after we lost Bub. I have cried many tears with this sweet little fur ball standing watch to make sure I was ok. Bless her little heart. She's a special girl to us. And dealing with grief in another form has been a struggle that has brought back thoughts from the past.
Today I'm going to begin telling the story of her final months and her final day. My sweet friend Amy suggested doing it as a form of therapy. I have struggled with wanting to forget because it was so hard, but never wanting to forget because I loved her so much. So here goes...
We knew she was going down hill. we had lived through a few bouts of kidney failure. and those brought us some added years. Last year at Christmas, my girl and I enjoyed buying her some fun presents. We got her a catnip paper bag and some pop up cubes to rest and play in. We got a book from Amazon and it came in one of those fold out cardboard contraptions, so we laid that in front of her little two room pop up condo and it looked like a sidewalk. Very cute. It provided hours of entertainment for her and for us as we watched her having a good time. But we knew she wasn't well and that it would probably be her last Christmas, so we wanted to enjoy her in it and we did.
A few months ago (I honestly can't remember if we learned this before or after Christmas) we found out she had probable lymphoma. The vet asked if we wanted to pursue treatment. My answer was absolutely not. I did not want to potentially harm us by exposure to harmful drugs. And besides, she already had a long list of health problems. I could not see putting her through any more misery. Just doing the blood draw was so traumatic that she wasn't herself afterwards for days. (I secretly hoped at this point I would never have to do more interventions for her because I felt like she was telling me she was 'done'.) So we did a round of oral steroids. It was cheap and safe. And it bought us a little bit of time.
Early on during the steroids, she acted like a kitten again. She was super playful, was eating and drinking well and gained back a bit of weight. She was so happy and enjoying life. but as it goes with steroids, the dose tapers off. And with the tapering off of the dose, we could see the life and liveliness in her tapering off as well. It was sad. We knew. And I spent a lot of time trying to get our daughter ready for the inevitable. And to get myself ready for what I knew would be the task at hand. One of the most difficult tasks of my life. But that's getting ahead of the story.
We were doing the steroids and trying to make the best of things. Giving our kitty girl extra cuddles and love when she would allow it. Giving extra broth pouches an wet food that I made into a slurry, in hopes of getting more fluids down her and making it into a treat for her. but most of her days were spent hiding, since it was winter. But we had some warm days and she enjoyed playing and we enjoyed watching her.
As we tapered off of the steroids, things started to change drastically for her. she was losing weight. and begging for water. It got to a really bad point on her last weekend. She just wasn't herself. I knew then that she was miserable and not enjoying herself in the least. I was preparing our daughter for the end. And trying to prepare myself for what I knew would be up there on the 'worst days ever' list.
To be continued...
